Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 2 July 2018

image for The Secret England Footballer: Belgium Gone, Bring on Colombia
Gabby says "no"

Well, I've been basking in the glorious defeat that was the Belgium match, just like the rest of the lads. One thing is spoiling it. No, that's not right...two things are spoiling it...no booze and no birds. I ask you. "Mr. Southgate" still wouldn't let us off the bloody leash whatever.

Oh, I nearly forgot, still no game time. Bastard. Only one or two of the lads now hasn't got any match minutes and I am one of those select few. So effing annoying but then Gabby Logan asked me to do a live BBC TV interview to let me tell how it feels to be one of the forgotten few and to find out how I keep myself motivated.

Unfortunately, she decided against it when I suggested that we do it in the hotel Jacuzzi. I mean what's the matter with the woman? I told her she could wear a bikini and I promised to keep my trunks on. That's while the camera was running of course. She looked at me as if I'm a piece of dog poo, stuck up tart, and suggested that maybe Clare Balding should do it. F*** off. Clare Balding? I was paying Gabby a compliment wasn't I?

I suppose I had better write something about the Colombia match now. Well, from what I have heard this is the match for me. They've got their injury prone star playmaker by the name of Rodriguez something or other and he needs to be taken out pretty early. Cometh the hour cometh the hatchet man is what I say and that's yours truly. If he's that fragile, it only needs one of my crunching, slightly over the top two footers and he'll be back in the showers before half time.

So come on Mr. Southgate, see sense and let me loose.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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