Man's Terrifying Dreams Come True

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 1 July 2018

image for Man's Terrifying Dreams Come True
The mind - it's strange

A man in Battambang awoke in a cold sweat this morning after a restless night during which he had several nightmares, but this was only the start of his torture, as the disturbing things he had experienced whilst asleep, began to reveal themselves as reality in the cold light of day.

The man, Moys Kenwood, retired to bed at around 9pm on Tuesday evening, after a particularly stressful day at work. He soon slept, but was perpetually bothered by subconscious thoughts.

First, he dreamt that he was at work, and everything was as normal. This hideous scenario made him sit bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely, as Mel Gibson does in 'Mad Max' when he's had that dream, and the camera focuses on his bloodshot eye.

Next, after he had managed to relax again and drift off to sleep, he dreamt that he was a pillion passenger on a motorbike driving through Battambang, a city where everyone rides their motorcycles as if today were their last day on Earth: nobody wears a helmet, 'correct side of the road' is an abstract concept, pulling out at a junction is done without a glance in either direction, and Road Rules are not actually 'rules', but more like amusing suggestions. When he woke, however, he realised that he had dreamt this dream because he hadn't been able to rid his mind of the aforementioned 'road terrors' that he'd experienced every day in Cambodia. Once his heart rate had started to return to something like normal, he drank a glass of water, and settled down again for more nightmarish activity.

After the previous horrors he'd dreamt of, he tried to distract himself from his worries by thinking of something pleasant, and chose football. England had qualified for the quarter-final stage of the World Cup, and would play Colombia. He began to feel sleepy...

...England race into an early 2-0 lead, through two Harry Kane penalties, the second one a header. Kane completes his hat-trick just before halftime when a cross hits him smack in the face, and flies into the bottom corner of the net like a bullet.

The Colombians start to look worried, but the second half proves a different story. A Harry Macguire headed own goal from halfway makes it 3-1. A perfectly-executed bicycle-kick by the Colombian goalkeeper from his own 18-yard box gives the South Americans real hope at 3-2, and, in the very last minute of normal time, an exact replica of the Mexico 1986 'Hand of God' goal - with an aging Maradona in a Colombia shirt - levels things at 3-3!

Three minutes of injury time are added, and in the 93rd minute, England concede a throw-in deep in the Colombian half. The referee touches his ear - a message from the VAR! There is confusion as everyone waits to see what could have happened. Finally, he awards Colombia a penalty and sends off the whole of the England team. An imaginary player called Maradonito misses the penalty, but the ref rules that England fans in the crowd behind the goal moved, and the kick must be taken again. This time Maradonito scores - 4-3!

Kenwood woke up, and tried to gather himself. What a night!

The Englishman faces a tense wait until Tuesday - with three more difficult sleeps to endure between now and then - to see if this particular nightmare becomes reality.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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