MEXICO CITY – (Satire News) – Mexico’s national news agency El Ole News, confirmed that the reason Mexico decided to cancel this year’s national Cinco De Mayo festivities was due to the nation-wide tequila shortage.
Humberto Roberto Del Centavo, spokesperson for the government of Mexico, said that the extreme droughts in the states of Jalisco, Tamaulipas, Michoacan, and Tatananachachacha have caused lots of the tequila-bearing maguey plants to become totally dry inside.
Many of the maguey ranchers have had to ask the government for government handouts known as Stimulusianitos Paquetitos.
One long time maguey rancher, Manolo Mandolin, III, living in Puerto Enchilada, Tamaulipas, said he had to sell his ranch, and he and his wife and 12 of their 13 children are planning on moving to Beverly Hills, California, where they will operate a sushi and tofu tacos food truck.
Meanwhile, Mexico’s secretary of state Bobby Billy Zazapillipi, has told El Ole News that the Republic of Mexico will probably lose about $47.2 million dollars (U.S.), which they hope to recoup by implementing a 3% tequila tax on bullfight tickets, bullfight souvenirs, and jalapeno sales.