ANAHEIM, California – (Satire News) – Executives with Disneyland are thrilled to announce that the world-famous theme park is opening after being closed for 14 months, 3 weeks, and 16 days, due to the Coronavirus.
A spokesperson stated that, for one thing, everyone will have to wear a mask at all times. They added that food will not be available for consumption, but drinks of all kinds, including diet water, sodas, beer, tequila, smoothies, vodka, and avocado juice can be purchased.
The park will also no longer allow support animals to enter the park. This regulation has been put into effect due to the kangaroo-kicking incident which occurred last March, in the Fantasyland area of the park.
That unfortunate assault, which was viewed all over the Internet, saw a support kangaroo wantonly kick Winne the Pooh in his crotch.
Disneyland wants to state for the record that the crazed kangaroo was not shot, as Fox News host Tucker Carlson had erroneously reported.
The theme park has also announced that due to several lawsuits, the anthropomorphic Donald Duck, who has always gone pant-less, will now be required to wear loose-fitting blue sailor pants 24/7.
And unlike in the past, effective immediately, anyone caught fondling Snow White, Rapunzel, Moana, or any of the other Disneyland female characters will be arrested on the spot.