Jennifer Aniston found a surrogate
Jennifer Aniston has denied rumours of looking for a surrogate to carry her baby. However a close friend of the family (Courtney Cox) has spilled the beans on the surrogate mother. She is none other than Ana Ward. Jennifer and Ana met last wee...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Shits Pants on Meeting Robert Redford?
After the premiere of Camp X-Ray last week, director Peter Sattler and the cast members Kristen Stewart, Peyman Moaadi and Lane Garrison stopped by a whole group of us to talk about the drama which is about a Guantanamo Bay prison guard. The cast...
Read full storyElephant Saunters into NY Starbucks
What for, you ask? To buy his morning coffee, of course. On a break from a nearby zoo, the elephant munched peanuts and chatted with startled customers as he waited for his order, two dozen Skinny Mochas. He said he was watching his weight; s...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Diary Hacked By The NSA #4
Dear Diary, I didn't see any of my last diary entry in the newspapers or entertainment mags or on TV so I guess it's safe. I did not like that kardashian woman on that photo session. I say right here, I was afraid she would want to pose in my lap. I would have said no and there was no way I was climbing into hers looking like a ventriloquists dummy. Kim Kardashian's ass is like a sepa...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Diary Hacked By NSA #3 (Cute Ass)
Dear Diary, How can people get stories from my diary? Something funny is going on because they knew how I feel about terrorists and our oil purchases. OK. Let's see if this gets out. I try to stay in shape but I'm a little guy with a lot of energy but still I exercise..all but my ass. It takes care of itself. I don't even see it unless I back up to a mirror and the way my diary stories ge...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Diary Hacked By NSA #2
Dear Diary, What gives with these television commercials saying that if I buy an SUV or big truck, I'm supporting the terrorists? I bought my big truck and it supports the oil companies of Saudi Arabia and Qatar. Are those on the terrorists list? We have terrorists here. If I buy American or Canadian products am I supporting terrorists who have slipped into this country! It's getting s...
Read full storyItalian nun gives birth to baby boy and names him Pope Francis
Reiti, Italy - (Ass Mess): A 31 year old nun from Reiti's Convent of the Immaculate Deception has named her baby boy Pope Francis after suddenly going into labor on the church's Feast of the Ass, a holy day of obligation. Sister Dolores Concepcion...
Read full storyDuck Dynasty Clan to Move to Iran
Phil Robertson, star of the reality TV show Duck Dynasty, said today that the whole Robertson clan will move to the nation of Iran. "We just think we'll be more comfortable there" he said. "They're not right-wing fundamentalist Christians like us,...
Read full storyPot Smoker at Sperm Bank and Clinic Admits to Replacing Human Sperm With That of Jackass
A worker at a Sperm Bank and Clinic in Minnesota has been caught in the act of replacing sperm donations with other sperm while he was smoking marijuana. "Jerry was left by himself and has been a faithful employee and earned his job", state spokes...
Read full story..........."laddies and gentlesmen it gives me great pleasure, and why not?"
Apparently a number of so-called British comedians including, Michael McIntyre, Sarah Millican, Alan Carr and Lenny Henry, to name but a few are up in arms with part-time Prime Minister Dave 'wait-for-it' Cameron for beating them at their own game.
Read full story"That's Magic" Paul Daniels' house not flooded
The Thames Riviera home of top Magic Circle magician and Illusionist Paul Daniels has not flooded like almost every other nearby property. Paul and Debbie told our reporter. "The bureaucratic idiots will not give permission for me to pay for what...
Read full storyManned Mars mission arrives back before it is launched
A splashdown in the Pacific Ocean by a manned Mars space capsule has occurred three years before it was due to be launched, NASA announced this morning. A spokesperson said "Boy I think we were going to use too much nitro on that baby! This is al...
Read full storyIs Hadron Collider covered by a collision waver payment?
Calls to shut down the L.H.C. because the newly verified Higgs-Boson particle doesn't "do anything" have been gaining momentum. Additionally insurance companies have admitted that their collision waver supplement clause is so flawed in this instance...
Read full storyPublic bored with DJs and C list celebrities being taken to court
Recent Media "overkill" featuring "has been" celebrities going to court has led to cries of "Let's have a 'Strictly' style sudden death televised phone in" to let the public decide if they are to be punished or not. Ideas for what punishments to dish out include: - Forced watching of Soaps with multiple choice tests afterwards for soap haters. - 3 year sentences of football match highligh...
Read full storyNo stories about immigrants and scroungers in Express and Mail
Recent coverage of missing children and bad weather has led to readers of the two main National fish and chip wrappers forgetting to rant about immigrants and benefits claimants. Aima Moron from Chipping Sodit in Oxfordshire said, I sat down with...
Read full storyPensioner de-frocked 500 priests. I am sick of paedophiles, he rants
Pensioner Pope Benedict XVI de-frocked 500 priests while in office, Vatican sources admitted. Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi initially said the AP report was rubbish. The latest statistics reveal the number of priests defrocked in 2011 and 20...
Read full storyPot Shop Owners In Colorado Report That Women Who Smoke 3 Joints A Day Can Increase The Size of Their Boobs
BOULDER, Colorado - On January 1, 2014, the state of Colorado made it legal to purchase and use marijuana. And now several marijuana shop owners have come forward and stated that they have found that women who smoke an average of 3 marijuana joint...
Read full storyThe Cucamonga Chapter of The Hells Angels Is Relocating To Colorado
CUCAMONGA, California - The director of the Cucamonga Chapter of The Hells Angels motorcycle club, Clyde "Vroom-Vroom" Stefenko, has informed the news media that his group will be leaving Cucamonga and relocating to Denver, Colorado. Stefenko stat...
Read full storyPresident Obama: America Is Fed Up With The Spoiled Brat Antics Of Justin Bieber So I Am Acting To Have Him Deported Back To Canada
WASHINGTON, D.C. - If President Obama gets his wish, little Justin Bieber will be sitting in his mom's Canadian home by Valentine's Day. The president has stated that he is sick and tired of getting thousands and thousands of complaints from good,...
Read full storyMany Colorado Hotels Have Installed Marijuana Dispensing Machines In Their Hotel Lobbies
COLORADO SPRINGS - The Colorado Springs Chamber of Commerce has just announced a new marijuana-related business venture. Pixie Dizzdickens, 43, with the Colorado Springs Chamber of Commerce stated that she has just learned that a total of 13 Color...
Read full storyKathie Lee Gifford Says Lesbians Need To Get Back In The Closet
NEW YORK CITY - Talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford has once again gone and stuck her size 10 shoe in her size 8 mouth. Gifford talking with avowed lesbianite Jodie Foster said that she likes her and other lesbians like Melissa Etheridge, Robin Robe...
Read full storyNew York Democrats Want The Statue of Liberty Painted Blue In Honor Of New York Being A Blue State
NEW YORK CITY - Senator Lenny Loopinski [D-New York City] has just informed the news media that he has received thousands of emails, text messages, and phone calls from his constituents. The senator, who is distantly related to Vice-President Bide...
Read full storyThe Burger Miss Restaurant In Denver Is Making A Killing Selling Potburgers
DENVER - The Burger Miss Restaurant is a fast food hamburger franchise chain that is based in Sausalito, California. Company Spokesperson Bernie Butterbrick has just announced that one of the four Burger Miss Restaurants located in the greater Den...
Read full storyA 71-Year-Old Geography Teacher Wins $100,000 In A Twerking Contest
NEW ORLEANS - The Louisiana Department of Festivities has just announced that a 61-year-old high school geography teacher from Lafayette, Louisiana has just won first place in the 1st Annual Louisiana Twerking Contest. Noranelle Grainquist was the...
Read full storyDavid Letterman Buying A House Up In The Rocky Mountains
NEW YORK CITY - The host of Late Night With David Letterman has decided that he is going to buy a home out in The Marijuana State of Colorado. Letterman recently told his studio audience and his audience at home that he is simply fascinated with t...
Read full storyNew York City Mayor Bill de Blasio Says China Wants To Buy The Brooklyn Bridge
NEW YORK CITY - Mayor Bill de Blasio has stated that his goal is to figure out ways for the city of New York to get back on its feet financially. He recently stated to a group of delicatessen owners that he wants for New York City to become the ex...
Read full storyLocal Bachelor Prefers Drinking Milk of Froot Loops Over Milk of Coco Puffs
VALDOSTA, GA - Early this morning, local bachelor Logan Green made a startling discovery as he slurped the last drops of milk from his morning bowl of Froot Loops. "I think I like this milk more than I like the Coco Puffs milk," he said, before takin...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Injures Pelvis On Wrecking Ball!
Something went wrong with Miley Cyrus big show-ending finally Friday night when she was riding a wrecking ball, swinging naked but covered by swinging on it sideways. That was until the wrecking ball, which was not real but still heavy, went too f...
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