A barrel of sweet light crude with every double pepperoni to go says pizza shop owner
Pennsylvania - The owner of a pizza shop whose wood-fired oven exploded last month causing widespread damage in the Green County area has vowed to make it up to customers with his latest giveaway. Pepe Mozarella says anyone ordering one of his fam...
Read full storyBowling Alley Employee Rescues 'Fan-like' UFO from Pin Setting Machine
Reno, NV. - One minute Justin Fardner was about to leave work. The next he was pulling a buzzing UFO from a dangerous apparatus used to reset bowling pins. Fardner, a 69-year-old part-time employee and retired Braille translator, had just ended h...
Read full storyVatican Admits Existence of Nun Special Forces Unit
VATICAN CITY, ROME - A spokesman for Vatican City finally admitted today that, yes, there is a special forces unit operating under the authority of the Holy See. The possible existence of the ecclesiastical unit came to light when an 84 year-old...
Read full storyPrimitive douche bag discovered in New York City Hall
New York - The New York Toast has reported this evening that an old douche bag was found 'in a pile with broken liquor bottles and food tines after being thrown out after a raucous party in Lower Manhattan' tonight. The broadsheet devoted several...
Read full storyNational Collective to Open 'Bowie Helpline'
It has been revealed today that National Collective are to open a helpline to assist its members on how to deal with the devastating news that David Bowie is a Unionist. The group, made up entirely by fuds who are completely up themselves, reacted sh...
Read full storyFeds Declare Gold and Silver Worthless - Set up Scrap Metal Collection Centers
FORT KNOX, KENTUCKY - Federal Officials announced today their determination that gold and silver are worthless commodities which are taking up valuable space in homes and offices across the U.S. Fort Knox Director, Peabody Atkins, explained, "The...
Read full story2014 Burning Man Festival Relocates to Craters of the Moon
ARCO, IDAHO - Burning Man Festival Organizers have announced the location for the 2014 event will not be Nevada's Black Rock Desert, as is usual. "Our Vibe is telling us that we need to acknowledge the Earth's pain," said spokesman Kish Hipscombe,...
Read full storyPot Smokers Banned from Mountain Climbing in Colorado
DENVER, COLORADO - In a special meeting of the Colorado General Assembly, lawmakers decided today to ban pot smokers from mountain climbing in Colorado while under the influence. Despite Colorado's favorable marijuana law, lawmakers are concerned...
Read full storyIn ongoing effort to win the hearts and minds of the Taliban, the U. S. military bombs its own troops
Former U. S. President of Vice, Al Gore, who cannot make up his mind as to whether the planet is experiencing "global warming" or undergoing "climate change," is sure about one thing: the U. S. military is definitely "not the home of the best and the...
Read full storyWyoming Training Bassett Hound Corp
CHEYENNE, WYOMING - The Governor's Office has released a statement that a specially trained Basset Hound Corp is being assembled in Wyoming. The Bassett Hounds which are friendly, docile dogs, will be used to patrol the 8 foot fence along the bord...
Read full storyU.S. Military's New Super Laser Weapon Used to Screw With Cats
Recently the United States came out with the latest technological advance in modern war fare. They have developed a new super weapon that uses a laser to bring down targets. This new laser sounds like something you might see in Star Wars movies, bu...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham has breast implants removed: career over?
In a recent magazine interview, former Spice Girl Victoria ("Posh") Beckham admitted that, since having her breast implants removed, she has "lost quite a bit" of her "allure" and her husband, David, has filed for divorce. In addition, she was dro...
Read full storyI'm not happy, but I'm gay, Putin will reveal at Olympics closing ceremony
Sources characterized as "intimates" of Russian President Vladimir Putin say that he will disclose his homosexuality in a "personal but not overly emotional fashion" during closing ceremonies for the Sochi Winter Olympic Games on Sunday. Russ...
Read full storyGiant sinkhole under Bristol Channel sparks 4.1 magnitude quake
Bristol, UK - The major inlet, also known as the Severn Sea, was designed to separate the UK mainland from hordes of marauding Welsh by harnessing the power of the Severn Bore, a large surge wave in the estuary of the local river. This afternoon t...
Read full storyGifted Student Can't Enter Gymnastics Because of Big Bulge in Front
Stuart Hawkins of Boonesborrough, Kentucky is a very talented 14-year old that is one of the country's greatest gymnast as a high school student but refuses to compete. Whenever anyone asks why, he just says that it's personal. However, our rep...
Read full storyAttempt By Justin Bieber To Skydive Without Parachute Ends In Disaster
Midwest, An attempt by annoying pop sensation Justin Bieber to become the first person to jump from an airplane and successfully land safely WITHOUT the use of a parachute has ended in disaster with hospital staff ruling out any possible public comeb...
Read full storyMexico Announces They Have Developed A Nuclear Weapon
MEXICO CITY - Word coming from South of the border is that the Republic of Mexico has just joined the elite group of nations who possess nuclear weapons. Mexico's Las Maracas National News Agency is reporting that the weapons of mass destruction h...
Read full storyItaly Agrees To Take Down All of The Anti-Gay Signs Within A 4 Block Radius of The Vatican
ROME - El Vino, Italy's national news agency is reporting that the Italian government has agreed to a compromise with Pope Francis. The pope who says he has no problem with gays or lesbians and has actually attended parties in their honor recently...
Read full storyPlayGuy Mens Magazine Offers Olympian Jackie Chamoun Seven Figures To Appear In A Nude Layout
CHICAGO - Lebanese Olympic skier Jackie Chamoun is poised to become a very wealthy young athlete. The Turnstile Review has stated that Miss Chamoun has just been offered a seven figure contract to pose in the nude for PlayGuy Magazine. If the b...
Read full storyPresident Obama Hints That Some Residents of Panama Could Be Eligible For Obamacare
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama sat in the Oval Office talking with his right hand man (or rather left hand man) Vice-President Biden. The two had been talking about the tremendously high-scoring NBA All-Star game in which the Eastern Conferenc...
Read full storyChina Wants To Buy The Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks
HONG KONG - Sports Balls Illustrated Daily has just learned that the Republic of China has expressed a desire to purchase the newly crowned Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks. Rufus Reno with SBID stated that the NFL team's owner multi-billionai...
Read full storySiberia Site of 2030 Extreme Winter Olympics
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - Olympic Committee Members confirmed today that they have chosen Oymyakon, Siberia as the site for the 2030 Winter Olympics. Oymyakon, a village of 500 residents in northeast Siberia, is considered to be the coldest permanently i...
Read full storyRussian Root Vegetable Parade to End Sochi Olympics
SOCHI, RUSSIA - Russian Olympic Officials announced today they are adding a special parade to the closing ceremonies of the winter Olympics. Alexi Grasmik, spokesman for the organizers said, "To honor Mother Russia and show the world the strength...
Read full storyObama to press Ctrl Alt Del on Monday to reboot Earth
President Obama is to reboot the earth on Monday and load the latest version of Windows. The planet's hard drives are running slow and the Middle East keeps crashing. A genuine copy of the creation software has been obtained. Original Dvds of "T...
Read full storyOlympics Save Money By Giving Out Fake Gold Medals
In an attempt to curtail expenses the Olympic Committee has taken the measure of exchanging 1st place gold medals with ones made out of fool's gold, the famous mineral often mistaken for gold by enterprising miners. These pseudo statues will be given...
Read full storyJustin & Friend Get Old Grouch Back
After the great trick Justin Bieber pulled reported to us by a friend, we just had to go back and ask about others. "There was this sour old man and his little dog in the neighborhood who hated kids and tried to keep us even from walking a sidewal...
Read full storySir Patrick Stewart undergoes sex change
The X-Men's Professor X, Dame (formerly Sir) Patricia (formerly Patrick) Stewart, has undergone a sex change, following the (at-the-time) false report in the United Kingdom's premiere newspaper, The Guardian, that the former actor is "a post-operativ...
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