Written by Gee Pee

Thursday, 20 February 2014

The X-Men's Professor X, Dame (formerly Sir) Patricia (formerly Patrick) Stewart, has undergone a sex change, following the (at-the-time) false report in the United Kingdom's premiere newspaper, The Guardian, that the former actor is "a post-operative male-to-female transsexual."

"Either we live in a universe that is subject to divine design, as the contestants on Project Runway contend, or we are accidents," Stewart said. "I do not choose to consider myself to be merely an accident. Therefore, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and, when I saw the report that I am transgender, I knew that God was speaking to me. I had no idea, until I read the headline, that I am really a woman, rather than a man, but, obviously, I am. That's why I have transformed into Patricia Stewart."

The newspaper also claimed that Stewart praised Juno starlet Ellen Page for her courage in "coming out" as a lesbian in a recent speech to her former fans. "I hadn't done so, at that time," Stewart admitted, "but I have since, many times, as, once again, God obviously intends me to support all the members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community; otherwise, The Guardian would not have reported my celebration of Ms. Page's confession."

Stewart isn't sure, she said, whether her recent sex change could "hurt" her career as a Trekkie, but she knows how to find out: "Check The Guardian."

Meanwhile, Stewart said, her wife, jazz singer Sunny Ozell, whom she [Stewart, not Ozell] wed in September 2013, before God told her [Stewart, again, not Ozell] that she [Stewart, still, not Ozell] is gay, is suing her [Stewart, not Ozell] for divorce.

"I wish I'd known I was a transsexual before I married Sunny," Stewart complained. "Then, I could have included a pre-nuptial agreement as part of the deal, so that, in the unlikely event that I discovered that I am a transsexual, she'd get zilch. However, God works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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