Angry Liverpool Management Complains to DVLA As Mourinho Parks Two Buses
Jose Mourinho was unapologetic following his team's victory at Liverpool after which he admitted to parking two buses in front of the Chelsea goal. However Liverpool's management was apoplectic at the unorthodox tactics used by Mourinho claiming tha...
Read full storyNew DSM V Disorder: Gun Fetishist's Separation Anxiety
The new DSM V categorization of psychiatric disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association as a new description of separation anxiety and a new category of fetishes. In the DSM IV these disorders related only to people. But now they h...
Read full storyThe Doctor Will See You Now
The most noble doctor of good standing and wealth you should see once a month if you're in bad health. He'll knock out the lights and just in one word instantly removes your vision with worms. He'll put you in a trance make you water his plants and whilst operating he'll play music and dance. All manner of disorders including head and the brain are dealt with quite easily in excruciating pain.
Read full storyMiley Cyrus To Do New Cover Of Sheena Easton's "Sugar Walls"
Singer and music industry slut Miley Cyrus told Pop Star Magazine today that she is currently in studio doing a new cover of pop legend Sheena Easton's 1980s hit Sugar Walls. "I'm the star to sing this song" said Miley as she clipped her toe nails...
Read full storyDouble-or-nothing Bet On Instant Replay Leads to State's Largest Reported Gambling Loss
Indian Head, OK - A man from Texas lost $424,000 last month after he placed a double-or-nothing bet on the instant replay of a March Madness college basketball game. The man was down $212,000 dollars when he placed the bet. It is the largest gamblin...
Read full storyCliven Bundy Sends Militiamen To Protect Donald Sterling
As everyone knows, L.A. Clippers owner Donald sterling is the object of national outrage over racist comments. He criticized his girlfriend for posting a picture of her and Magic Johnson on instagram. He also told her not to bring black people to g...
Read full storyWalmart purchases Mt. Rushmore, transitions to world's largest Pez dispenser!
A news conference was held this morning at the Mount Rudhmore National Monument in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Accompanied by two hundred paid "volunteers," bussed in from Chicago, a spokesman for Walmart announced that the site had been purch...
Read full storyHundreds of scuttled DeLorean DMC-12s discovered at Atari 'ET Urban Legend' rubbish dump
Alamogordo, New Mexico - Diggers rummaging around the notorious Atari landfill site that swallowed up five million copies of the 1982 video game are set for a rare additional treat according to the US Department of Antiquities and Archaeological Stuf...
Read full storySpielberg Denies Jinxing Bacharach Biopic
Hollywood- Steven Spielberg denied reports that he placed a curse on the Burt Bacharach biopic and brought the project down incongruous and financially ruinous side-roads. "Nobody gets Burt Bacharach more than me. Listen, I grew up with his songs...
Read full storyGiroud "4th is OK for Arsenal, and so is Miranda!"
After stating to ESPN that fourth place is good enough for Arsenal this season, Olivier Giroud has also revealed that he is fine with a cheese sandwich instead of a steak, and would settle for watching Miranda instead of Monty Python. Olivier also...
Read full storyClegg - "All Drivers Are Garbage - Except You That Is!"
The Government is to disband the DVLA, and therefore the need to obtain a driver's license, to ensure that your opinion that everyone else on the road is shit at driving except for you is valid. The Government have decided to follow through with t...
Read full storyBoulder Man Found Not Guilty With Defense of "I Forgot"
Boulder, CO - The jury for a misdemeanor case before the 20th District Boulder County circuit court has found a Boulder man not guilty based on his defense of "I forgot." Eric Lewellen of Boulder was arrested on April 19th after a Boulder police...
Read full storyPenicillin Ineffective For Computer Virus
Silicon Valley - Despite its well-known effectiveness against some viral diseases such as syphilis and bacterial infections caused by staphylococci and streptococci, Penicillin is completely ineffective against computer viral infections. This fa...
Read full storyBrangelina on the brink of divorce over Fargo incident!
Brangelina, Hollywood's most famous couple, are on the brink of divorce as Angelina was spotted by Brad giving herself an inward two finger salute watching her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, in Fargo. Fargo, a TV adaptation of the regularly overrated mov...
Read full storyAaron Jesus
The Israelites had been slaves in the land of Egypt. God sent Moses to Pharaoh to let the Israelites, God's people, go. Pharaoh did not consent. God sent terrible plagues upon Egypt. Finally Pharaoh agreed to let Moses take the Israelites out. They reached the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses climbed the mountain to meet God. Israelites became restive. Gathering around Aaron, they asked him to make them...
Read full storyRoad Accident Paramedics Replaced By Rapid Response Aromatherapists
Under new E.U. directives, teams of alternative medical "paratherapists" have been set up by the government. To comply with the new regulations people trapped in burning cars or requiring on the spot life saving surgery can request alternative helico...
Read full storyCritics rave as Eastenders nails the cycle of life
The BBC has been showered with accolades after the screening of the Eastenders episode handling the Beale Bereavement last week. Torquil Faversham, Head of Gritty Plot Lines explained, 'We knew we couldn't expose the nation to the terrible loss of an...
Read full storyBritish submarine collides with MH370
HMS Tireless, a Trafalgar-class nuclear submarine, was recently despatched to the Indian ocean to help in the search for the lost Malaysian aircraft, MH370. The Royal Navy has a proud history of 'finding' submerged objects such as other submarines an...
Read full storyBBC Top Gear special 'Pope my Ride'
In honour of canonising Popes John Paul II and John XXII, the BBC are advertising, every hour on the hour, seemingly forever, a blockbuster Top Gear special to be screened this week. The job-lot of saints John are to be celebrated with an action-packed epic of irreverent and barely legal japery. With His Holiness Pope Francis as the star guest, the team undertake an engineering Health and Safet...
Read full storyText Walking to Become New Olympic Sport
Rio de Janeiro - Text walking will become the newest sport to be part of the Olympic Games starting in Rio in 2016. The act of texting while walking has never been considered a sport but since so few people get killed while performing the act, Olympi...
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