Chimps Demand Retirement Party
It happened as soon as the National Institutes of Health announced this week that "...310 chimps will be retiring from medical research over the next few years..." One of the chimps said, "Throwing us a party, it's the least they can do, we've put in our time." And the chimps weren't at all shy about exactly what kind of a party it should be. Here are a few of the things they demanded: --...
Read full storyLooking After Your Pets
Animal rights groups have brought to BATTL news attention that due to financial constraints more and more people are dumping their pets. This is despicable treatment of a living creature that relys on us for love, support and sustenance. Aren't we as humans supposed to be inventive and adaptable? Weren't we the ones who put a man on the moon and invented Velcro? If we are this all conquering,...
Read full storyDeen and Gee to Merge Talents
Paula Deen and Dr. E. Gordon Gee, met today in New York City. Their meeting was the culmination of an intense, one day, "think tank" meeting they had with Don Rickels, Don Imus, and Jim Tressel, the once credible football coach at Ohio State, and a p...
Read full storyVicar Leads Funeral Flash Mob
Recently deceased Trevor Endeavor got his loved ones dancing in the aisles by putting a twist on his traditional funeral service. Fun-loving Trevor found the perfect partner to make his dreams of a Thriller-themed funeral come true - The Rever...
Read full storyTraditional Values Still Alive as Texas Celebrates 500th Execution
Texas cemented its place at the top of the leader board for number of executions per state on Wednesday, and the general atmosphere is one of joviality as Texans revel in their dominance of the capital punishment stats. Bill Delacroix, an executio...
Read full storySlippin 'n sliden at Wimbledon
A shocking day at Wimbledon saw many of the top seeded players literally fall by the wayside. Slips and falls were prevalent during the day of upsets. One top seeded player was severely reprimanded for wearing shoes with red soles. A smiling Perce...
Read full storyThe true story of Marvel Comics' Daredevil
Born in 1964, Daredevil, "The Man Without Fear," is the son of Stan Lee and the late Bill Everett, and a half-brother to Everett's son, by parthenogenesis, Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner. Daredevil also goes by the alias of Matt Murdoch, pretending to be the son of wealthy Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News and may other alternative or underground media. Daredevil (aka "Matt Murdoch") is one of M...
Read full storyWorld Records 2013: Texas Executes Its 500th Prisoner
On Wednesday, June 26, Texas executed death row inmate Kimberly McCarthy, making her the 500th prisoner Texas has executed since 1982, and allowing Texas now to enter the Book of World Records 2013 for the most people executed by a sovereign state in...
Read full storyCurse of orange panties and trainer soles hexes top seeds Maria Sharapova and Roger Federer
Blushing Meadows, NY - "Serena Williams beware," an International Sartorial Tennis Association stylist said today, "those orange shorts/panties just gotta go or your Grand Slam dreams will end up tits-up." The women's World No 1 seed was being bee...
Read full storyMutant Crabgrass Threatens Corn Crop
Special to Spoof - Farmers in the Midwest have been plagued by a mutant strain of crabgrass that threatens to reduce the annual corn harvest by 50 percent or more in coming years. The species, Digitaria sanguinalis, is found throughout the world.
Read full storyAaron Hernandez of The New England Patriots Arrested - Gisele Bundchen Is Furious
NORTH ATTLEBORO, Massachusetts - Well like the saying goes, You can run but you can't hide. Police have arrested Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez and charged him with suspicion of murder. Hernandez told Rufus Reno with Sports Balls Illustrated D...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Says She Is No Racist
READING, Pennsylvania - Kate Gosselin sat in her home shaking her head as she read story after story on the Internet about her so called slant-eyed impression. Gosselin spoke with Tilapia Frisbee a reporter with The Right Coast Revue. She explaine...
Read full storyKim Kardashian and Kanye West Both Want To Appear On Next Season's Dancing With The Stars
AVOCADO HEIGHTS, California - New mother Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Kanye West were enjoying dinner at The Silly Sardine Seafood Diner while Mama Kardashian (Kris Jenner) watched little North West back at her home in Beverly Hills. As Kim an...
Read full storyThe Very Sexy Heidi Klum Says Tattoo Removal Is A Real Bitch!
HOLLYWOOD - Heidi Klum, one of the judges on America's Got Talent, has learned a very valuable lesson - marriages might not be forever but tattoos are, or at least until one spends lots of money and goes through a lot of needless pain to get them rem...
Read full storyPaula Deen To Matt Lauer - No Matt, I Am Not A Member of The KKK!
NEW YORK CITY - Matt Lauer is not exactly known for being a compassionate individual and in fact Vice-President Joe Biden has compared his cold, dull personality to that of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Lauer interviewed Paula Deen on the Tod...
Read full storyMadonna Comments On Her Alleged Charlie Sheen Bikini Line Tattoo
NEW YORK CITY - Madonna is certainly one individual who has been around the block a few times so she is definitely no stranger to the world of rumors. She was asked by Vodka Vermicelli with iRumors about the story circulating around that she has a...
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