Heavenly Angels Chorale to Join General Alexander Re Defense of NSA
The White House has just announced a new program intended to inform and assuage both the global and US public on the "noble" purposes of NSA surveillance. This adjective "noble" was used recently by General Keith Alexander, Director of the Nation...Read full story
Border Patrol agents to be stationed every six inches along entire southern border, have to stand sideways, arms around each other!
In a compromise this past week between GOP and Democrat Senators the border patrol budget has been increased by approximately one billion percent. According to the office of Budget and Management this will translate into a tax burden of over one million dollars for every man, woman and child in America. "Finally, we have a bi-partisan agreement on something," said Majority Leader Harry Reid. "...Read full story
'Nadal needs to grow a pear' say Wimbledon soft fruit experts
London SW19 - It was hardly all-strawberries-and-cream at Wimbledon today as world fifth seed Rafael Nadal crashed out of the Men's Singles First Round to world number 135 Steve Darcis in a 7-6 (7-4) 7-6 (10-8) 6-4 shocker. Bewildered tennis enthu...Read full story
Tea Party to adopt fugitive from justice Edward Snowden after he promises to publish Barack Obama's 'real birth certificate'
Washington DC - The CIA intelligence whistleblower has become the darling of the US Tea Party movement after tweeting from somewhere in International Airspace his intention to publish the US President's 'real birth certificate' that names him as a Br...Read full story
President Putin Calls Cameron A Nincompoop Over Mountain Misunderstanding!
The Prime Minister is still refusing to leave his home in Downing Street to face reporters following the urgent telephone call he made to President Putin last night when demanding that Russia return Mount Snowdon to Britain immediately. The front...Read full story
Selma Hayek: "My breasts are God's gifts to men"
Mexican actress Selma Hayek prayed nightly to God for a bigger bust. She even visited a church in Cancun, where, allegedly, the Virgin intercedes with God to work miracles. She bathed her chest in holy water and asked God to "make 'em sprout!" Sh...Read full story
Being "blonde" may be catching
GAY PARIS, France - According to a recent scientific study, being "blonde" may be catching. The dumb blonde stereotype, it turns out, may be true, not only of blondes themselves, but also of others who come within 500 feet of them. To paraphrase Shak...Read full story
Budget cuts: Obama recommends dog meat for school menus
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama has recommended adding dog meat to America's school lunch menus and military chow halls. As a child, the president was force-fed Dalmatian steaks that his Indonesian step-and-fetchit transsexual "father" La...Read full story
Obama puts (most) proprietary schools off limits to veterans
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama has put military men and women off limits to predatory for-profit colleges that have traditionally preyed upon the weak and stupid, including veterans of the U. S. Army, the U. S. Air Force, the U. S. Navy, th...Read full story
Canada's new phunny munny
OTTAWA, MANITOBA - Pranksters who work for the Bank of Canada shocked and amused citizens of the northernmost North American Continent nation by infusing the green ink with which its banknotes are printed with lysergic acid dyethylmiode (LSD or, depe...Read full story
Snowden Spotted in Sacramento Cafe
In yet another twist in the PRISM leaks scandal, it appears that Edward Snowden never actually left the United States, and is in fact hiding out in Sacramento, California. Sources are now saying that Snowden only mailed his cell phone to Hong Kong a...Read full story
Mother wins back semi-permanent custody of obese boy
CLEVELAND, OH - An Ohio judge ordered Tommy, an obese boy, returned to his mother, Ima Dick, after she completed a year-long, court-ordered college course in diet and nutrition and the boy shed three of his six hundred pounds. Asked how they plan...Read full story
Junior designer makes her own prom dress
FISHWIFE, MI - Diane McTease, a high school student from the northern Michigan town of Fishwife, had a swell idea for a prom dress as she watched her sexy sex-ed teacher, Ms. Tew Cute, demonstrate the proper way to unroll a latex condom over a cucumb...Read full story
Prison officials defend execution of wrong man 30 years ago
LONE STAR, TEX ASS - "We had good reason to execute Carlos DeLuna," Warden Hank Williams said. "He was the spitting image of the killer, he had the same first name, and was near the scene of the crime at the fateful hour. Besides, he deserved to die.Read full story
University of Tex Ass promotes new academic program
AUSTIN, TEX ASS - The University of Tex Ass at Austin shocked graduates, alumni, and students' parents with its announcement, printed on the school's 2012 Commencement program, of a new academic program that it has added to its curriculum to honor th...Read full story
Atheist converts after Jesus visits her in shower
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, TEXAS - Cheyenna Richards, of Houston, Texas, who admits she's "not all that," nevertheless claims that Jesus frequently joins her in the shower. The former atheist, who now describes herself as "a believer," says that his...Read full story
With Much Fanfare, the NRA Releases Its Version of the New Testament
The NRA today released its new translation of the New Testament, based heavily on the King James Version. Said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre of the new translation: "We believe this new version of the New Testament will more accurately reflect the Second Amendment principles the United States and the nation of Israel were founded upon." What follows is an excerpt from the new translation, called,...Read full story
Aged couple's secret of a happy marriage: transvestism?
FREE LOVE, NEB - After 65 years of marriage, Mel and Joey Schwanke had seen it all - or all they wanted to see - when it came to their bodies. "The thrill was definitely gone," Mel said. "You can say that again," his wife declared. "The thrill was...Read full story
Man buys Kmart just to get rid of its "shoddy" merchandise - Look out, Sears and Nordstrom's: Rankin Paynter plans buyouts for your stores next!
CLARK COUNTY, KY - We've all heard of giving away the store-but Rankin Paynter did just that, literally, when he purchased a local Kmart, lock, stock, and barrel-and proceeded to give away the merchandise! "He's either generous as hell or crazier...Read full story
Ecuador embassy building tops 'DC's most urinated upon' list
Washington DC - The LaFayette Square Historic District's American Piss Society building has lost its leaderboard position as the most urinated upon edifice in the US capital to relative newcomer the Republic of Ecuador Embassy at 2535 15th Street NW.Read full story
The true origin of Marvel Comics' "Inhumans"
Way advanced beyond Homosexuals, even when Homosexuals were still living in caves, the Inhumans were the spawn of a same-sex union between Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, extraterrestrial lovers from Uranus. History (i. e., Back Story) The Inhumans lived in Areola, where the seed of their advanced development was deposited by Celestial Phalli, a race of alien Impregnators. As a lark, and because th...Read full story
Create fantastic fantasy characters and make a million-gazillion dollars!
By using simple, but effective, methods of characterization, anyone-even you-can create fantastic fantasy characters and make a million-gazillion dollars'. If that sentence didn't stir up your midi-chlorines, the Farce is not with you, and you will most likely die an anonymous, penniless death and end up somewhere exceedingly unpleasant. Otherwise, you may be one of the chosen ones for whom the sk...Read full story