Lance Armstrong stripped of cancer victory
ATLANTA, GA-In response to disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong's admission that he had used performance-enhancing drugs, the American Cancer Society announced today that it had stripped Armstrong of his 1997 victory over cancer, and the 42-year-old...
Read full storyBloomberg Picking a Puppet For Mayor
New York - With less than a year left on his tainted third term, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is personally selecting a successor -- auditioning puppet candidates for the mayoral elections that will be held this fall. The lineup of possibilities is fai...
Read full storyUKIPIA 1 - Victory
Banging Ziggy was woken by the sound of hammering on the door. He plodded sleepily downstairs in his thunderbirds pyjamas and opened the door to find the deputy head of UKIP Ted Knacker shouting through the letter box. He continued shouting through the letterbox even though the door was open. "Ziggy we have won". Ted screamed. Ziggy was startled by the flashbulbs from the myriad of photograp...
Read full storyMona Lisa spliff crop circle appears on face of the Moon
Washington - International Space Station crop circle etchers behind a 200ft crop circle near Stonehenge, Wiltshire depicting ET smoking a classic ganja pipe appear to have struck again tonight. Their antics were widely reported in 2011 by QM-News...
Read full storyObama Tells Doctors To Ask If Patients Own A Gun
January 2013 - The President, aka King Obama, is announcing that he and the Administration will (among other things):" "Clarify that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes." (this is actually true) My doctor is gonna ask me if I own a gun? I can see it now ... Me: "Um, doc, I got this real pain in my neck". Doctor: "Do you o...
Read full storyGun Crime Violators To Have Trigger Fingers Amputated
In a bold move President Obama announced today that anyone caught in possession of an unlicensed firearm will have their trigger fingers amputated without any court proceedings. Police in several states have already been issued with special kniv...
Read full storyHungry children more likely to be jailed
For the crime of stealing a packet of hamburger buns, a magistrate ordered 7-year-old Willy Famisht to serve 12 months in juvenile detention. Willy Famisht pleaded he hadn't eaten for two weeks and someone had put a spell on him. The sentence was...
Read full storyLance Armstrong Ordered To Be Oprah's Pedicab Rider
In what many are calling a harsh punishment, disgraced cheater and confirmed liar, bully, twat and complete and utter bastard, Lance Armstrong, has been court ordered to pedal Oprah Winfrey around for 3 months as her personal pedicab driver. Some,...
Read full storyLeft ear better at detecting male lies
To detect whether a man is telling the truth or lying, it's best to use your left ear, according to Dr Tilly Woppa of the Hearing Research Institute, Alabama. In over 75% of listeners tested, lie detection rates were better when listening through...
Read full storySelena Gomez Says Justin Bieber Is History
CHICAGO - Selena Gomez traveled to Chicago to visit an old high school friend. While in the Windy City, she was asked by Hollywood Innuendo's Margarita Mixx how she was doing now that her and Justin Bieber are no longer an item. Selena smiled a...
Read full storyNew Career as Thespian Looms for Manti Te'o
We have always been attuned to the best actors on the sports scene and looking for great roles for them to play on screen. With the emergence of Manti Te'o's acting talent, we have been looking for scripts for him to perform on the silver screen.
Read full storyDear Abby "Ghost" Puzzles Minneapolis Area
(AP) Minneapolis- In a surprise development, an apparition described by many as the "ghost of Dear Abby" has been visiting dozens of Minneapolis homes giving unwanted advice. Pauline Phillips, better known to millions of newspaper readers for deca...
Read full storyDemi Moore Finds Yet Another Boy Toy
BEVERLY HILLS - One thing that can be said about Demi Moore is that the 50-year-old cougar does not seem to have any problem attracting males who are young enough to be her son. Moore, who is still not divorced from Ashton Kutcher, was recently sp...
Read full storyManti Te'o Falls Off Banana Boat
Only now can the shocking truth be revealed. Manti Te'o is a creation of social media. He does not really exist. His play for Notre Dame has been revealed as a giant Photoshop hoax. Most of his game appearances have been labeled photo bombs. CIA s...
Read full storyTeenage pregnancy plummets as Facebumping hits an all time high
Tallahassee, FL- Mike Shoemaker, PR director for the Florida Department of Health, reported today that teen pregnancy had dropped nearly 50% and the rate of STDs have dropped nearly 70% over the last 15 months! The teens of Florida have turned...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Drained and Despondent
LAS VEGAS - Christina flew to Las Vegas to get away from all of the hustle and bustle of LaLaLand. She checked into The The Ali Baba and The 40 Thieves Hotel & Casino, where she had a great time at the roulette wheel. Tittle Tattle Tonight...
Read full storyIdaho has hard time finding stockpile of potatos
Boise, ID - On a day that the air was as crisp an the bacon goodness on grandma's apple pie, Idahoan's found out a disturbing piece news, all their potatoes are gone. GOP representative Raul Labrador was in Boise, ID today to speak on behalf of all...
Read full storyKing Obama? Rand Paul Doesn't Think So.
Everyone knows that I'm an extreme conservative. I'm the type of Conservative who has God sanctioned missionary style sex with my wife while thinking about Ronald Reagan. Today's hero of Freedom is Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. Rand is the son o...
Read full story