Kim Kardashian to become a Novice in Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity
CALCUTTA, INDIA (ABSNN) - In an unexpected and wholly surprising move to the life of a religious nun, Kim Kardashian and Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity announced jointly today that Ms. Kardashian will become a Novice in the Order as of April...
Read full storyMI5 Restaurant a surprising success
MI5's Oxford Street restaurant has proven to be a massive and amazing success, but the owners, John and Joan Smith, cannot for the life of them explain why. "We are a real restaurant," said Joan Smith. "We have ten covers, and the restaurant can s...
Read full storyLady Gaga's New Easter Outfit Provides a Peeps Show
Make no mistake. It's not a "peep" show. Take your mind out of the gutter and see that we're talking about peeps. Y'know those soft marshmallow candies (yellow chickens and pink bunnies are the most popular) that folks either love or love to h...
Read full storyRoyal Wedding merchandise floods eBay
Large handled mugs, mismatched saucers, too small plates, celebratory foot muffs and Wills and Kate wigs are just some of the items that have been appearing on eBay over recent weeks. All of the items have one thing in common, they are Royal Wedding...
Read full storyLook Out, Small Fry! The Big Tuna Returns
Fans of the NFL coaching turnstile may want to check the expiration date on that can of Old Tuna sitting on the shelf since the Dolphins started to rebuild. Yes, reports are now circulating that the Big Tuna himself, Bill Parcells, is about to go...
Read full storyPrice For 'Dinner With The PM' To Be Reduced!
The Prime Minister has announced that the £50,000 per head price being charged to have dinner with him at 'Number 10' is to be reduced to just £20,000. The decision to significantly reduce the dinner prices follows adverse publicity over the weeke...
Read full storyBank of America Announces New Customer Offerings: "Daylight Savings Account" and "Accelerated Affluence Attainment (AAA)" Securities
Bank of America sustained a number of blows to its public reputation over the past year, most recently in a class action lawsuit by defrauded customers, which resulted in a settlement of $410 million. Nevertheless, in a press conference yesterday in...
Read full storyAll Our Yesterdays: Revolution!
Cliveyenko Sergeyevich Dantonov alighted from the train and looked at his watch. He was a little early but he had expected crowds. If not for him, then surely to greet the great man who would lead the workers to freedom. So, time to kill. Here we were at last - a day that would go down in history. And he was part of it. No longer would he be the butt of practical jokes - not he, Dantonov. Hence...
Read full storyWoman Loses Touch with Reality after Watching Weeklong Reality Series
TOPEKA, Kansas - A local woman was transported to KVC Psychiatric Hospital Sunday evening after neighbors called 911 to report a crazed woman trying to build a "doomsday bunker" in her back yard. Norma Lee Fein, 58, was busy using a chainsaw t...
Read full storyThree dead after taking the water cure at Hog Jaw, Arkansas
HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN)-Three people are dead today following their consuming the waters at the recently opened Hog Jaw Hot Springs according to state officials. Apparently, the waters are just for bathing and not at all meant to be drunk.
Read full storyRon Paul said to be victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion!
DALLAS, TX (ABSNN)-Ron Paul, Texas Congressman and Republican Presidential also-ran, burst into flames this morning while awaiting an interview with Today's Matt Lauer. His body was completely consumed while sitting in a make-up chair prior to the 9...
Read full storyDavid "Pratt" takes his head out of Mancini's butt to play mind games!
Assistant Man City trainer, David "Pratt", actually removed his head out of Manager Mancini's butt to play mind games with "mastermind", Sir Alex Ferguson. David, in all of his innocence thought it would be a grand idea because having his head stu...
Read full storyHitler makes come-back as shampoo model!
Notorious Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler has been reincarnated and can now be seen modelling Turkish shampoo! He decided to turn-over in his grave once more because the product, Biomen, is for real men and not for "fairies". Also his fee was pretty hot,...
Read full storyGod's and Satan's reconciliation finalized!
JURESALEM (ABSNN) EXLUSIVE TO THESPOOF-At long last it seems that The Almighty God and His Fallen Angel Satan have reconciled. After 6,000 or more years (millions according to Satan's right hand man, Frankie the J), the two have reached a rapprochem...
Read full storyGovernment woes mount as Nick Clegg caught whining and dining Party sperm donor
London - Apparently the donor is notorious for his awesome deposits the bulk of which are held on seven day call at the First Coalition Sperm Bank of Westmonster. This morning Nick Clegg said he'd done nothing wrong after getting caught feasting w...
Read full storyWomen Who Love Cleaning
A third of women secretly love cleaning, a survey has revealed. The results of research by pharmaceutical manufacturers, Thornton and Ross, show that many women find giving the house a once-over "satisfying" or a "therapeutic" expererience. But...
Read full storyNo Smell of Beer or Chicken on the Breath of Bobby Jenks
Bobby Jenks apologized to the Red Sox organization and his teammates for his deplorable overindulgence and bad judgment. He stated how he did not have a sip of alcohol. Police acknowledged that they found neither beer, nor chicken wings, in his c...
Read full storySantorum's "The First Book of Rick"
SCRANTON, PA --- A staffer to Republican Party presidential primary candidate, Rick Santorum thought it was only an Etch a Sketch he accidently left in a cab. Only, after entering the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company where his boss was to give a speech did he realize it was Santorum's entire 'playbook' for what he would do if elected President of the United States. Taxi driver, Julian Assange (no r...
Read full storyPsychology Professor creates new syndrome in his lunch break
I'm sitting in Starbucks sat opposite the man of the moment - Martin Gamble, Professor of Behaviour, Undestanding and Motivation at the University of Redbrick. Martin has a unique gift, he is able to create a new Psychological Syndromes in his lunch break I ask Martin how he does it? Martin laughs and throws back his lustrous brown hair. He has a warm laugh. It's like taking a bath in rich crea...
Read full storyCows are Evil
They look as innocent as babies in an advertisement for starving children. Large, moist eyes sit unblinking over lips as flat as the Midwest horizon. Flies buzzing about their heads fail to visibly perturb them, as if they are so resigned to their plight that their last, best revolt is to remain stoic and not give the flies the satisfaction of letting them know they are annoying. They are Zen-li...
Read full storyIt Looks Like Miley Cyrus' Lap Dancing Days May Be Over As Her and Boyfriend Liam Hemsworth of "The Hunger Games" Are Talking About The "M" Word
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Miley Cyrus and on-again, off-again, on-again boyfriend Liam Hemsworth appear by all accounts to be engaged and heading for wedded bliss. Liam Hemsworth the 22-year-old Australian star of The Hunger Games stated that he really fe...
Read full storyTeachers who shouted 'STOP IT' to a pupil sacked.
A teacher who shouted 'STOP IT' to a pupil was sacked from the school she had been teaching and was given a 12 month prison sentence. Jane Harding, 47, was told by a Liverpool Court that just because the pupil was dealing drugs on school premises...
Read full storyThe Reason Why Ricky Gervais Turned Down Simon Cowell's Generous Offer To Be A Judge On X-Factor
LOS ANGELES - Now that Simon Cowell has filled one of the two available judges positions on X-Factor with Britney Spears, the entertainment world is wondering who he will select to take the second vacant judges chair. Names that have been tossed a...
Read full storyRecords Reveal That Dick Cheney Never Received A Heart Transplant, Turns Out He Never Had One In The First Place
The Non-Associated Press released a surgeon's report detailing former vice president, Dick Cheney's "heart transplant". The operation was performed by two of the world's foremost surgeons, Drs. Foster and Schmick who actually aren't surgeons at all...
Read full storyOld Blood And Guts Obama Vows To Remake USA Into North Korea
BILLINGSGATE POST - From the ramparts of Observation Point Ouellette, the closest point to the Demilitarized Zone that separates South Korea from North Korea, Barack Hussein Obama peered through his binoculars at the windswept no-man's land that was...
Read full storyUFO Sighted Over the Nation's Capitol
Washington DC: An extremely bright light was visually observed hovering high over the White House. The light could be seen as far away as Chicago IL, yet area air traffic control RADAR screens were completely blank. The light was definitely identi...
Read full story