JURESALEM (ABSNN) EXLUSIVE TO THESPOOF-At long last it seems that The Almighty God and His Fallen Angel Satan have reconciled. After 6,000 or more years (millions according to Satan's right hand man, Frankie the J), the two have reached a rapprochement, an understanding that promises no more mythological conflict. Just how this news was given to this humble Religion Reporter is a story for another time. Suffice it to say, we were shocked to learn that talks had been underway for more than 200 years.
"I was approached by Satan's minions several times before I even considered speaking directly with him. He is so vain, or rather he was so vain I couldn't stand to be in the same universe with him," God to thespoof. "Ultimately he tempted me far better than he did my Son, the golf pro," he said.
"For my part it was time I stopped being such a pain in God's ass," said a smiling Satan, who requested I call him by his preferred name, Lucifer. "It all started with a miscommunication back before God created Adam."
"I should never have allowed the Prince of Light to take on such responsibility," said God shaking his head. "He did fairly well in other universes I had made; I thought this one would be a piece of cake."
"You see," said Lucifer, "I started out with dinosaurs, but they were so cold blooded with not one bit of artistic flair. So God sent an asteroid to wipe them out leaving only the cockroaches and these tiny furry mammals. I found them to have so redeeming qualities. I mean mammals had tits, and I've always been a tit man. God is more a leg man."
"Well, I think you had a great career ahead as an anthropologist," said God. But after Homo erectus, you kept upgrading the product until you came up with the Neanderthals. Then you went 'native' on me and I had to take over and make Homo Sapiens Sapiens. Then we argued!"
"Well, I told you giving human beings free will would end up causing you no end of grief. The Garden of Eden was cool. Adam was OK on his own, but that first woman, Lilith was a hand full. I told you so. You wouldn't listen. You got rid of her and made Eve. Then that serpent came along and who got the blame for that? Me!"
"It's all water over the dam, my friend. I have grown to see the light. But then, I made the light and found it good. Now you're back where you belong and we will see it through, together," said the Almighty.
"Yes sir," said Lucifer.
Seeing how all these changes might affect humanity, I asked the two what plans they had for mankind now that the feud was ended.
"Mankind has had all the chances it will ever get from me," said God. "I am through with watching such pissants destroy themselves and each other, especially in My name," said God. "I haven't had a thing to do with them since they killed my kid."
What will come of the churches, your Chosen People the Jews, I asked.
"What will be will be," God stated with some thunder.
"Easy there, Big Guy," Lucifer said soothingly. "Let's go have a couple of drinks and play a round of gold with the kid.
The two left arm in arm.
