DALLAS, TX (ABSNN)-Ron Paul, Texas Congressman and Republican Presidential also-ran, burst into flames this morning while awaiting an interview with Today's Matt Lauer. His body was completely consumed while sitting in a make-up chair prior to the 9:00 taping.
Dallas medical-legal experts confirmed that Paul was the victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion, a little known but terrifying human ailment.
"According to the tape we received, Congressman Ron Paul suddenly and without any reason just caught on fire. His body, with the exception of two fingers on his right hand, and the toes of his left foot were completely consumed," said one coroner. "You don't get that kind of complete devastation in a crematorium," the shaken official told reporters.
"I was just finishing with a powder to cut down on his skin's sheen. He was an older man and he had very shiny skin," said Erma Lafourche, the makeup artist. "He complained of feeling very hot and asked me to fetch him a glass of water. But by the time I got back with it, he was completely on fire. I threw the glass of water on him but he just sizzled and sizzled," she said.
Rand Paul, the Kentucky Senator and son of the Texas Republican, told reporters that he doubted, seriously doubted that his father had been a victim of Spontaneous Human Combustion. "That old goat hasn't done anything spontaneously in three decades, he said in a press release.
"Besides that, he built an android robot of himself last summer due to the increasing physical demands made upon him by campaigning. I'll bet it was the android; it must have shorted out," said the press release.
Calls to the congressman's home went unanswered this morning. It is not known whether or not Ron Paul or the android has died. We shall keep you posted on developments as we get them.
