Britain to lose its binge drinking capital of Europe badge
Germany is threatening to take the Number Binge Drinkers spot from Britain. Latest survey results show that Germany now has more alcoholics per population than Britain. "This is down to two factors," said Hans Shakin, German Alcohol Minister. "Fir...
Read full storyJames Cameron hunts the Borg Queen deep down the Mariana Trench
Western Pacific Ocean - He's plunging seven miles down a marine crevice named after Mariana of Austria/Queen of Spain's fathomless snatch. A custom-built one-man sub called the DeepSeat Challenger sees the dive heading almost 'where no man has be...
Read full storyKnickers on the net
Cabinet minister Theresa May has been pleading poverty again and is using it as an excuse to sell her severely soiled knickers on the internet using the slogan, Theresa's Teasers. In justification for her latest moneymaking venture she complains...
Read full storyInquiry into Spoof Corruption
After it was alleged that contributors to the Spoof were misleading the public with untrue stories it has emerged that a public inquiry is to be set up to look into the matter. Former Lord Chief Justice, Oliver Snooty, has been asked by the Govern...
Read full storyFood Is A Lie
Multi-million pound companies have been accused of forging 'place of origin' labels to put on their produce to seem more upmarket. It has been discovered they invent whole countries just to avoid putting "made in Slough" on a packet of spam. Back and...
Read full storyNew library book officially opened
After two years of planning and six months of construction, Bolton has finally got its own library book. Entitled 'Bolton's Library Book', it is a gripping account of Bolton's pioneering library book project. Five thousand potential readers have a...
Read full storyDavid Cameron is descended from Greta Garbo
London - Forensic accountants are poised to publish the results of a 20 year probe into David Cameron's sudden rise to megabux wealth. Citing 'inspired' creative probate techniques from her 1990 Last Will & Testament they reckon a big chunk of...
Read full storyKazakhstan issue fatwa on Borat because of spoof national anthem!
Provocative comedian and disguise expert, Borat, has upset Kazakhstan so much that they have issued a fatwa against him. He managed to get his own version of their national anthem played at a medal ceremony in Kuwait and this is roughly what it say's...
Read full storyViagra Overdose In Goosey Holler, Kentucky! (Bluegrass #11)
Ralph has spent most of his Crazy Check the first weekend in November and is badly hung over Monday morning at the Cement Garden Ornaments Emporium when Melvin drops by and toots his horn! "Melvin! Quit that! My head's gonna splode!" "I know that look! You went out with Sarah Jean and spent all yore money Saturday night didn't you?" "NO! Oh my head. NO I didn't spend ALL of it. I got enou...
Read full storyWild Church Service At Goosey Holler, Kentucky (Bluegrass #10)
(Pete's store, 1949) Abe and Sally Foreside come in the front door of Pete's Country Store fanning dog pecker gnats. (Pete) "Doggone it! Those things follow you two around. Wish you would leave them at home. I had to spray for two hours the other day." "It's Abe and his coonhounds under the porch. We'll start going out the back door. Did the Liberry Truck leave the books?" "Yeah. Picke...
Read full storyBoston Loves That Dirty Journalism
Boston media is in a quandary, which they frequently identify as duck soup. Players came to Boston for the dirty water, but find only dirty media members. We hesitate to call them journalists. Once again, a free agent deadline has passed in NB...
Read full storyAnna Wintour Laughs And Yells "Dance Monkey Dance"
Women in general get way too excited about new trends. The euphoria seems to somehow make her forget the difference between ugly and stylish just because Vogue tells her "it's the latest thing". Now I'm not under the illusion that people have enough will power to go against the grain but it still bothers me when I have to bear witness to a 351lb man in green spandex. Luckily Vogue kept that lovely...
Read full storyNational Anthem to replace all run out tunes
With 2012 being the year of the Olympics and the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, it has been decided by the FA that every single football club in the country will ditch their current, and in some cases, iconic, run out tunes and replace it with the National...
Read full storyTory Financial Scandal Sting Exclusive
We can reveal the truth about Tory Party funding as a result of a sting operation we secretly carried out at the offices of Tory Vice Treasurer, Sir Toby Twister. You can see the sting operation by viewing our exclusive video www.torystingwasp.web...
Read full storyLocal Expert In Frame For Top Arts Job
A local art historian and critic is among the names being touted to be the next chair of Arts Council England. Proserpine Gainsborough-Halfwit will be up against television presenter, political pundit and former Tory MP Michael Portillo, and TV mo...
Read full storyPennines are to be moved back
Only weeks into the project of moving the Pennines thirty miles east, it has been decided to move them back again. However, due to the nature of the move, the Pennines will have to be completely moved thirty miles east before moving them thirty miles...
Read full storyMy Senior Moments - W/E Sunday 25th March 2012
My Senior Moments This Week Monday 19th March 2012: * Went on the 99p shop, carefully limiting my spending to under £5. 1x Air spray, 2x bird seed, 1x Nougat (for the girls at the blood centre on Tuesday) and 1x Disinfectant. When she asked me for £7.98, I foolishly paid her then realised something was amiss! I did not leave the checkout, but while waiting for hwer to serve other custome...
Read full storySelected Political News for W/E 25th March 2012 - with comments
This Weeks Selected Political News Monday 19th March 2012: Topic: Immigration - Benefits "Foreign-born jobless and sick can claim benefits in 165 languages." Source: The Sun They include Nigerian Pidgin, a variant of English used by just two per cent of Nigeria's population. The array of lingos emerged as benefits bosses were last night blasted for spending millions hirin...
Read full storyNottingham News for W/E 25 March 2012 - with comments
Monday 19th March 2012: Topic: CRIME "Students capture burglar who attacked them with a cleaver" Source: Nottingham Post A group of students captured and held a burglar in their home after he attacked them with a meat cleaver. They disarmed Jason Fisher, sat him down in a corner and hemmed him in with chairs until police arrived. Jason Fisher 27, had injured two of them with the...
Read full storyRon Paul Vows To Do Away With Those Invasive TSA Airport "Pat Downs" Or As He Prefers To Call Them "Feel Ups"
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana - GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul was speaking to a crowd that had gathered at Shreveport's General Stonewall Jackson High School. He told the crowd estimated by Jo Jo Spamaficki, owner of Spamaficki's Hardware Store, to...
Read full storySimon Cowell Is Thrilled That Britney Spears Has Finally Agreed To Be The New X-Factor Judge
HOLLYWOOD - In true Tinsel Town fashion, Simon Cowell, owner, producer, and judge of X-Factor stood in front of the Hollywood sign and announced that he has gotten his wish and Britney Spears has agreed to be the new judge on X-Factor. The man who...
Read full storyPolar Bear Found Dead At Barrow, AK is Latest Victim Of Obama's Junk Food War
A polar bear found floating in the icy shallows of Purdue Bay at Barrow Alaska is the latest victim in President Obama's junk food war. The bear clad only in a red scarf and clutching a can of cola in his frozen paw is thought to have been the famous...
Read full storyDick Van Dyke Smashes Marriage Age Gap Record
Former Hollywood star Dick Van Dyke has entered the OFYC Club record books! The club, whose initials stand for "Old Fart-Young Chick," says the 46 year age difference between the ex-"Diagnosis Murder" actor and his new bride, 40-year-old Arlene Silv...
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