Written by Bureau

Sunday, 25 March 2012


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image for Wild Church Service At Goosey Holler, Kentucky (Bluegrass #10)
Brother Sparadime in meditation before service.

(Pete's store, 1949)

Abe and Sally Foreside come in the front door of Pete's Country Store fanning dog pecker gnats.

(Pete) "Doggone it! Those things follow you two around. Wish you would leave them at home. I had to spray for two hours the other day."

"It's Abe and his coonhounds under the porch. We'll start going out the back door. Did the Liberry Truck leave the books?"

"Yeah. Picked up the ones here too. That Liberian left purdy mad. Joe Linseed can't have no more National Geograffics cause he drooled all over some of the ones he had borrowed."

"Don't know why he likes them naked pigmies."

"These had topless and saucer-lipped women natives."

"Well, old Linseed has some money. Might pay a young lady around here to begin stretchin her lips!"

"Let's see. "Inspector Manholes & the Hairy Hotdog Murders", "Shit-On-Wheels Buys Back Manhattan" and "There I Sat, Glued To My Pants".

"What about 'How To Pass The Flagman's Test For State Workers?"

"She said that one waz popular but she'd have it back in two weeks."

(Edith Snotgrass coming in the door.)

"Knew you two would be here. Saw the dog pecker gnats. Why weren't you in church Sunday night, Pete?"

"I meant to go but laid down after a big after-church dinner at Brother Sparadimes, come home and didn't wake up in time. I open at 5AM on Mondays. Woke up with two sleepy cats on me and I still had my Sunday-Go-To-Meetin" clothes on, all wrinkled and haired over."

"Wail...you missed hit! Brother Sparadime waz really preachin and when the prayer time came, old Lady Smith-the big fat one-waz down on her knees when her dress come up over her back and her bloomers read "Martha White Is Good Flour!" on them. Then that half-wit son of hers, Dorfmere, jumped on her back and began beatin her ass with a hymnal." (snort).

"THEN, Brother Sparadime gave a invitation and hyar come Luther Lacefield, drunk as a skunk. Drinks all week and heads up front on Sunday nights. He waz up there and Brother Sparadime told us., "Let's all sing 'The Old Ship Of Zion'!"

Aweeel! All over sudden here comes Luther's wife just a screaming and carrying on and Brother Sparadime asked what was wrong. "We waz just beginning to sang 'The Old Ship Of Zion'."

Then Murdy, Luther's wife say "Oh...I thought you said the old shits a dying!"

"So you can imagin how me and Peckerwood...Peckerwood Elmore, we was about three pews back, felt. We waz both about to bust a gut."

"Next thang Brother Sparadime cut lose on sinners. He said that "People are always in a hurry. I got to watch the clock there in the back so I won't preach too long. Well, Brothers & Sisters, it was the same with the disciples back in Bible times. Where John was always taking his time and listenin, Peter was runnin around trying to walk on the sea and busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy! And that's the trouble with TODAY'S world! We got too many Peters and not enough Johns!"

"Peckerwood immediately looked away cause we waz going to laugh despite trying to think of something sad. But when we looked down, we saw Blindboy Philpott had one black shoe and one brown shoe on!"

"Pecker put his hand over his big mouth and runned outside whar I could hear him laughing. I stayed but caught my hand over my mouth and I guess all that pinned up air had to go somewhar so I cut the loudest fart you ever heard, Pete!"

(Pete) "So you got up and left too?"

"Yes, but not before that big idiot Dorfmere heard the blast, tried to outdo me and shit all over his Mama's back!"

"So will Brother Sparadime allow you back?"

"Yep. But I got to play the ass in the Christmas play."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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