Selected Political News for W/E 25th March 2012 - with comments

Written by Inchcock

Sunday, 25 March 2012


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Selected Political News for W/E 25th March 2012 - with comments
The House of Ill Repute... nepotists, liars, fiddlers, and spoon-in-the-mouth Gits!

This Weeks Selected Political News

Monday 19th March 2012:

Topic: Immigration - Benefits

"Foreign-born jobless and sick can claim benefits in 165 languages."

Source: The Sun

They include Nigerian Pidgin, a variant of English used by just two per cent of Nigeria's population.

The array of lingos emerged as benefits bosses were last night blasted for spending millions hiring translators to help foreigners claim handouts.

One translation firm billed the taxpayer for £3.5million in a year.

The Department for Work and Pensions used translators 271,695 times in 12 months, figures show.

East Europeans used them the most.

Poles needed translators 51,240 times and Slovaks 22,592 times.

Tory MP Priti Patel said: "Once again, hard-pressed taxpayers are having to pay for people just so they can claim benefits. It's also an awful disincentive to people to learn English. The Government should look at this urgently."

Comment: Want to claim benefits but speak only Nigerian Pidgin? You may be in luck.

The Department for Work and Pensions has hired a translator who speaks Pidgin, a variant of English, despite only 2 per cent of Nigerians using the dialect.

It means a claimant who tells Jobcentre staff: 'I wan go job but I no well', would have his words translated to 'I would like to work but I am sick'.

Millions of pounds in taxpayer's money is being spent on paying interpreters to help foreign-speaking nationals claim benefits. Daily Mail

Tuesday 20th March 2012:

Topic: Budget 2012

"Delay tactic 'to cost Treasury billions in tax'"

Source: The Times


Top earners are already seeking advice on how to defer income, bonuses and dividends until 2013 in anticipation of George Osborne's Budget on Wednesday.

Instead of deferring the measure, the Chancellor should reduce the top rate to 45p immediately - or risk losing tax revenues, incurring higher borrowing costs and compounding the 50p tax fiasco, the accountants warned.

Many 50p tax payers could perfectly legally defer income - for example, decide not to take dividends, bonuses or salaries from their businesses - for a year to wait for the lower rate. The Chancellor would lose substantial tax revenue in 2012, which would need to be replaced by borrowing. The economy would also miss out on substantial spending and investment; 50p tax payers are big spenders and investors - so that could hurt the recovery.

He knows what he's doing alright!

Wednesday 21th March 2012:

Topic: Transport - Economy

"David Cameron blasts off - turning our roads into hyper-highways!"

Source: The Guardian

The prime minister is boyishly enthusiastic about renewing roads, bringing 'engines of economic growth' (cities) ever closer.

David Cameron outlined his plans for Britain's infrastructure. This new infrastructure is going to cost a fortune, but hey, infra penny, infra pound. I always enjoy Cameron speeches. They are a blend of jargon which is as up to date as an iPad3 or this season's Maclaren car, together with a sort of mad boyish enthusiasm we recognise from the Just William books.

Comment: A grand idea to build more roads, bigger roads... How is anyone expected to afford the fuel to use them? And what products do we produce in the UK any more that needs transporting anywhere?

Thursday 22th March 2012:

Topic: The Budget

"The Effect of the Budget"

Source: The warped limited mind of Inchcock


Cigarettes up 37p a pack

That will mean more killer tobacco & fags smuggled in, illegally produced in council houses protected by armed gangs with fierce dogs, more deaths, more crime... good idea!

New 20% tax on gaming machines

Another stealth tax!

A new Stamp Duty Land Tax rate of 7 per cent on properties worth more than £2 million

This will have them dancing for joy in the Job Centre Plus queues!

Top earners tax rate Down to 45p

The pensioners will be leaping with happiness as they queue up for their pensions"

An Extra £100 million of improvements in the accommodation of our armed forces and their families.


Personal allowance up to £9.205*

This will probably mean the end of the Occupy Nottingham camp!

Child Benefit Allowance raised to £60.000

Just what we need to encourage more immigrant families with 8 children to join their 3⅞m relatives already here!

Corporation Tax down to 24%

This will no doubt stop the increase in food prices that Ministers of the Government do not worry about, but the proletariat do?

Saturday 24th March 2012:

Topic: Government Nepotism & Fiddling

"Tory co-treasurer Peter Cruddas quits over cash for access claim"

Source: The Telegraph

Peter Cruddas, who runs an online trading company, allegedly told potential donors that gifts of more than £200,000 would get them into the party's "premier league."

This would be enough to get donors invitations to dinners with the Prime Minister and George Osborne, the Chancellor, it was alleged. Mr Cruddas was apparently filmed making the offer to undercover reporters.

He was filmed apparently telling reporters posing as businessmen that making a large donation would be "awesome for your business" and that "things will open up for you".

The party immediately launched an "urgent" amid signals from senior sources that Mr Cruddas's future as co-treasurer was being immediately reviewed.


The favouritism, biasses, discrimination, inequity, nepotism, corruption, breach of trust, bribery, depravity, exploitation, extortion, fiddling, fraudulency, dishonourableness, dis-reputability, ignominiousness, unscrupulousness, flagitiousness, and the immorality of our MPs is astounding in its magnitude and persistence!

Sunday 25th March 2012:

Topic: Coalition Plans

"Plans drawn up for troops to drive petrol tankers in event of strike"

Source: The Telegraph

The result of a strike ballot among drivers in the the Unite union will be announced tomorrow (MON) with sources on both sides of the dispute believing they will vote in favour of action starting from 3 April.

Ministers are ready to use police to prevent striking drivers building blockades and will begin putting together a squad of up to 300 qualified army drivers to man trucks in place of tankers drivers.

Francis Maude, the Cabinet Office minister, called on Unite to avert the sort of industrial action that brought Britain to its knees when lorry drivers staged protests across Britain in 2000 when Tony Blair was prime minister.

He said: "Widespread strike action affecting fuel supply at our supermarkets, garages and airports could cause disruption across the country.

"The general public should not and must not suffer from this dispute and strike action is manifestly not the answer."


'The general public should not and must not suffer...' this from the Conservative Party Chairman?!?!?! He has the nerve to say that after his party has done so much to denigrate the proletariat voters?

'Bollocks Maude... and your two-faced selection of imitation humans in the House if Commons and Lords with you! Gits!

Oh, and will he be using the dead bodies of soldiers sent back from Afghanistan? Or recruit mercenaries from the thousands of force members his party has made redundant?


Sorry about that, I got a little carried away there!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more