Olympics: David Beckham misses out on Stuart Pearces 'Team GB Squad'
The world of British sport was in shock today when Team GB Olympic Football team boss Stuart Pearce named his squad for the Games and local lad made good David 'OBE' Beckham wasn't on it. 'Pearcy' had to reduce his squad down from 35 to 18, and co...
Read full storyDespite Being Released on a Free Transfer Louis Saha Still Turns up For Training
Former Manchester United, Fulham and Everon striker Louis Saha who was released by Tottenham at the end of the season after just five months still turns up at Tottenham's training ground, wearing his Spurs top and carrying his own ball. The 33-ye...
Read full storyParis Hilton releases her perfume Snatch Paris
Paris Hilton has just released an unusual new fragrance, Snatch Paris, and she is starring in a new commercial for the scent. The commercial shows Paris Hilton in an elevator, spraying the perfume under her wrist. As the elevator moves up, her sim...
Read full storyBob 'Rough' Diamond is the new Rupert Murdoch
London - The Barclays boss is the City's latest fallen idol being cattle-prodded into a Leveson-style public inquiry about endemic rot under his watch. Tonight he's adamant there's no resigning issue in his running of a huge, corrupt, casino-style...
Read full storyGerry Anderson Has Alzheimer's Disease
The creator of Space 1999 and UFO, Gerry Anderson, has revealed he has Alzheimer's Disease. Mr Anderson was diagnosed 18 months ago but has spoken about it publicly for the first time after forgetting he was diagnosed with the disease. The 83...
Read full storyBritish Celebrity Claims She Was Snubbed to Perform at Jubilee Celebrations Because She is Black
A British singer and popular celebrity is claiming that she was not asked to perform at Queen Elizabeth's recent Jubilee celebrations because she is Black. Despite being one of the most popular and recognizable faces in the UK and having topped...
Read full storySebastian Coe Heartbreak after Being Omitted from Team GB
Sebastian Coe has not been selected for Great Britain's Olympic Athletics Squad which was announced today. The 55-year-old former two time gold medal winner of the 1500m said in May he thought he had a "good chance" of running at London 2012.
Read full story'Department of Common Sense' Would Rescue America
Washington DC -- A group of activists, academics and other concerned citizens is calling for the creation of a cabinet-level "Department of Common Sense" to improve the quality of decision-making in the nation's capital. "America is in near crisis...
Read full storyLady Gaga dated Jenny Shimizu
Jenny Shimizu described an intimate relationship she had with Lady Gaga, claiming that Gaga would fly her to destinations across the world for sexual liaisons. "I was her secret 'booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex s...
Read full storyDavid Beckham: "The Olympics are cancelled!"
After tirelessly campaigning to bring the 2012 Olympic Games to London, David Beckham was distraught today when it became clear he had not been picked for the British Olympic football team. Stuart Pierce who has been charged with putting the team to...
Read full storyKevin Garnett: No Shades of Gray in His Retirement Picture
Boston Celtic star Kevin Garnett has found a fountain of youth somewhere, according to friends like Kendrick Perkins and Shorty Rondo. Seventeen years in the NBA would turn a man to dust, but not the amazing Mr. Garnett. He became the Boston Celti...
Read full storyAn Upskirt Photo of Kate Gosselin Appears on The Internet and Boyfriend Russell Brand Is Not A Happy Camper
LA BREA - Russell Brand and Kate Gosselin were having dinner at the famed La Brea Tar Pits Diner when Russell went into his laptop and saw a photo of Kate on the Internet. The picture clearly showed her getting out of her car in a short plaid skir...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Shocked At The Zac Efron Marriage Rumors
LOS ANGELES - Taylor Swift was sitting in her luxurious suite at The Mrs. Teddy Roosevelt Hotel in West Hollywood when she heard a comment on one of the local radio stations. The disc jockey had said that country music artist Taylor Swift and movi...
Read full storyHideous patterned cardie as Pippa Middleton does Wimbledon
London - "Did you crochet it yerself, love?" was one linesman's quip as the pointless social climber arrived at Centre Court's royal box today. "Ooh, with so many clashing geometric lines it's bound to f++k up the Hawkeye functionality," another a...
Read full storyCaptain Janeway's USS Voyager-themed crop circle wows Alton Barnes
Wilts - Straddling the wheat near an ancient White Horse chalk carving its 350ft 'contrail' of circular disks snakes the local Delta Quadrant that is Alton Barnes rapeseed fields. This morning's materialization of the Intrepid-class starship is th...
Read full storyStudent May Not Have Been Forced To Read More Than Headline
A girl often seen on the 120 bus was caught reading more than the headline of a Daily Mash story. Apparently. iPhone owning student Beany Goodstate seemed to be engrossed in the shocking news that Kermit the Frog is the lead singer of the band Fl...
Read full storyMafia Boss 'Didn't Know'!
Bob 'The Diamond' Banks claims he didn't know his staff were killing anyone who they didn't like. This extraordinary claim was questioned by News International newspapers. In an editorial in the Sun the editor wrote: 'It is about time those in charge of organisations took responsibility for the action of their employees'. In a Government statement David Cameron exclaimed that when someone w...
Read full storyCristiano Ronaldo's Penalty Miss Hilarious Says Expert
A top football expert has branded Spain's progression to the final of Euro 2012 'hilarious'. EIF News & Features sports editor, Thelonious Adidas, was watching the Portugal v Spain semi-final on TV at his home in West Wittering because we refu...
Read full storyRobert Peston To Seek Hollywood Career
Top broadcast journalist Robert Peston has ambitious career plans for when the current world-wide financial crisis ends. The BBC's business editor is planning to take Hollywood by storm and star in a series of adventure blockbusters portraying the...
Read full storyPeeping Tom 'Not Such A Bad Guy' Say Academics
History boffins are calling for the rehabilitation of a legendary pervert who research suggests wasn't such a bad guy after all. Peeping Tom has been the nickname for pervert voyeurs ever since the middle ages when, according to legend, he looked...
Read full storyChancellor writes to Bob Diamond of Barclays to apologise for £290million fine
Thanks to our contacts at the new News International business "Phonetaps'R'Us", located round the back of Fairfax Bus Station, I was exclusively sent a copy of a letter, which my gum-rubbing informant claims was sent to the Chief Executive of Barclays Bank, Bob Diamond, from the Chancellor yesterday. Dear Bob Trusting you and yours are well. Listen mate. Sorry the Financially Stupid Asse...
Read full storyThe Reason Rihanna Cancelled Her Nude Appearance In PlayGuy Mens Magazine
SAN FRANCISCO - Rihanna was in the audience watching her good friend Beyonce perform before a cheering crowd at The Ipso Facto Coliseum. Half way through the show Beyonce asked Rihanna to join her on stage and she did. The two sang the old Beatles...
Read full storyTV Gynecologist Discusses a Woman's (BLEEP) Problems
Washington DC: The US Supreme Court has ruled that the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is not the obscenity police charged with keeping broadcast TV channels free of inappropriate language and nudity. The director of People for Relatively...
Read full storyJessica Simpson Is Still Upset That She Cannot Fit Into Her Bikini Thongs
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - It has just about been two months since Jessica Simpson gave birth to her first child who her fiancé Eric Johnson and her named Maxwell House Drew Simpson-Johnson. Little Max, as Jessica calls him, was born on May 1, and he weigh...
Read full storyBrain Eating Virus Identified - Could Be Responsible For Cannibal/Zombie Attacks
The Center for Diseased Conditions in Atlanta Ga. announced early Thursday that a mutant strain of the dreaded KMA2 nerve virus - which renders individuals incapable of coherent thought, and likely to react violently to things like flies and grey shi...
Read full storyEuro 2012: Germany to be thrown out for ineligible player
An unnamed Italian official today called on Germany to be expelled from the tournament for fielding ineligible players. Germany reached the semi-final by beating penniless Greece in the quarter-final, and won all three group matches, verses Portug...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez Buy 1% Interest In The World Champion Miami Heat
LOS ANGELES - One of America's happiest couples, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, has just become even happier. Bieber and Gomez have just been informed that their request to purchase 1% ownership in the recently crowned NBA champions the Miami Hea...
Read full storyJohnny Depp Dumps Vanessa Paradis and Quickly Rebounds With The Erotically Sexy Amber Beard
NEW YORK CITY - In a rebounding move that any NBA player would be proud of Johnny Depp has just dumped his girlfriend of 14 years, Vanessa Paradis and instantly jumped up and hooked up with the very attractive, sexy, actress Amber Beard. Pico de G...
Read full storyFeminist Nora Ephron meets Jesus
Nora Ephron says she met Jesus Christ in her dreams and she was promised a man in heaven because she couldn't find one on earth. "I got desperate for a man because I was getting old and I was constantly being turned down for dates because of my age," Ephron continues "I had to visit heaven to get my man." Ephron said she hiked Mt. Ararat in desperation to enter the pearly gates to get to he...
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell Gets Extremely Offended At The Sex-Change Insinuation
OGALLALA, Nebraska - Rosie O'Donnell was in Ogallala where she was the grand marshal of The Annual Corn Cob Festival and Parade. She was having breakfast at a local Flat As A Pancake Pancake House with two of the town council members Flora Mimosa...
Read full story