'Department of Common Sense' Would Rescue America

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Thursday, 28 June 2012

image for 'Department of Common Sense' Would Rescue America
Wise up, America.

Washington DC -- A group of activists, academics and other concerned citizens is calling for the creation of a cabinet-level "Department of Common Sense" to improve the quality of decision-making in the nation's capital.

"America is in near crisis as the result of several nonsensical decisions that were made in recent years," a spokesperson for the group said.

"For instance, deciding that Wall Street speculators should take the lead in economic reform is like putting Jerry Sandusky in charge of the boys' shower room. You know from the start that no one is going to come clean, and everybody's going to get screwed again in the end."

Moving on to the broader picture, the spokesperson pointed to an alarming 65% decline in the Common Sense Index (CSI) in the US since the '90s.

"It turns out, we were exporting too much of our common sense to places like China and Brazil," he explained. "Now, those nations are going to the moon, while we grapple with setting the legal size of a Big Gulp."

According to the spokesman, the precedent for a Department of Common Sense dates back to America's revolutionary beginnings.

"Thomas Paine got the Revolution going with a pamphlet titled Common Sense. A follow-up piece called for the creation of a Common Sense Bureau, but was shelved by Paine's editor, Dr. Benjamin Rush, who objected to its healthcare provisions."

Significantly, healthcare is still at the top of the list of common sense issues. "The government protects the intellect of the people by providing compulsory education. Shouldn't the government protect their lives as well with compulsory healthcare? Common sense says you can't learn too much if you're not breathing."

Asked what he thinks are the odds of the Department of Common Sense being created, the spokesman gave the initiative a 1 in 3 chance. "It all depends on Congress giving the president permission to tap our Common Sense Strategic Reserves. It's either that or Red Bull."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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