'In your dreams!' Jessie-J tells Will Loomis as copyright suit turns horrid
Newport, California - A legal spat between the lead singer of Loomis and the Lust and UK songbird Jessie-J says her latest single Domino is a direct rip-off from a track in his 2008 smash hit music video Bright Red Chords. It sees musician Will Lo...
Read full storyCelebrity heart transplant patient ready to leave hospital
Mr Alf Fosset has made a speedy recovery after undergoing a heart transplant last month. The 55 year old Slather Polisher from West Ham had undergone extensive tests before the procedure could go ahead. He had been waiting two years before gettin...
Read full storyThe Bob Diamond Jubilee stung with record £290m fine
London - The longest running scam of the decade has finally been caught out, following a stellar 60 year run. This morning City regulators fined the mendacious bastards in charge of the scam £290m ($450m) for willfully bollocking a gullible public...
Read full storyWorld's Most Expensive Hat Comes With Car
Complimentary services and products have long been used to intensify consumer interest. The added value of something free with something you pay for has been used to market high end products and as seen on TV junk alike. Although this is nothing new,...
Read full storyPope Launches 'Moses': New Holy-Tasking Tablet for Catholics
Vatican City - Dressed more like Steve Jobs than St. Steven, Pope Benedict XVI introduced the Catholic Church's answer to Apple's iPad today, devoting his audience in St. Peter's Square to the global launch of the Moses Multi-Task Tablet. "Anyone...
Read full storyJohn Travolta Says That He's Had It With All of These Gay Rumors and Says He's Moving To Mexicali, Mexico
WEST HOLLYWOOD - John Travolta says that he can take a lot, but it has now gotten to the point of being too much of a lot. He recently spoke with Coquette Eucalyptus of The West Hollywood Flaming Gazette and told her that the rumor mills have now...
Read full storyEuro 2012: Ashley Cole and Ashley Young 'retired' from international football
The Football Association today announced that the two penalty missers from the quarter-final defeat to Italy are both retiring from international football with immediate effect. Ashley Cole had played 98 times for England, and only days before the...
Read full storyArgentinian Catholic Bishop proves there's hope yet; he was caught hugging a bikini-clad woman!
Argentinian bishop, Bishop Bargallo (Not Balotelli) has been caught in an amorous position on the beach and in the water with a bikini-clad woman, shocking! He attempted to deny allegations that he was having sex with her (Not on the beach) and at...
Read full storyMitt Romney To Local Pizza Shop Owner 'So Bad I Wouldn't Feed It To My Dog'
TENNESSEE- Mitt Romney's latest stop on his campaign trail ended in a momentous gaffe, even for Romney. While visiting a local Athens pizzeria called Giovanni De Luca's Amore Pizz-A-Pie, owner Billy Bob Smith handed Romney a slice of his prized '...
Read full storyBarack Obama Feels the "Heats" at a Florida Rally - President Barack Obama swings and misses-again
If you want to find a good parallel to the verbal miscues of the U.S. President, you may want to look at Mayor Thomas "Mumbles" Menino of Boston. He slays the names of the hometown team players. Now for the second time in a week, President Obama h...
Read full storyJersey set to dump the UK as 'Irony Age' coin hoard valued at billions
Channel Isles - A fabulous treasure trove of precious coins is set to liberate Jersey from British Government tyranny. Valued at several times the offshore haven's hidden tax billions the one tonne of Roman and Celtic currency may have been buried...
Read full storySinnicks Clinics - a regular feature by our medical correspondent
This week, Doctor Sinnick discusses the case of a patient with haemorrhoids. Before he came in I'd checked his files - the case notes showing a plague of piles I asked him about his current state, though anything rectal is my special hate. I said to him. "Well, now, let's check your fate. Perhaps it's a scissors job if not too late." Then, for amusement, I said to him, my finger...
Read full storyQuentin Kelp MP - Midweek Update
Dear Constituents I've had such a hectic week and it's only Wednesday. But here's my belated weekend report to all of you, my enthusiastic supporters and Krupton constituents. As expected, the weekend concert of teenage hopefuls hammering on drums and trying to emulate Jimmy Hendrix was a rain sodden mud bath. Fair play to them for sticking it out but who can blame them for deciding enoug...
Read full storyBomber Command nemesis of the IRA handshake Queen
London - A karmic thunderbolt threatens to smite down Elizabeth Windsor on Thursday as she unveils the World War II memorial in Hyde Park. Scenes of her glad handing IRA murderer Martin McGuinness this morning have suck - er...stuck! - in the craw...
Read full storyAre you ready to be a parent?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of th...
Read full storyLady Gaga Addresses The Scandalous Rumors About Her and Heidi Montag
TARZANA, California - Lady Gaga was backstage relaxing after having performed to a sold-out crowd at The Gary Busey International Speedway. The New York City songstress was extremely overjoyed as she had received a total of four encores. She t...
Read full storyHolyrood Cabinet Goes On Tour - Ministers In Fear Of Salmond's Tests
Scottish ministers fear the savage retribution of their leader after their annual summer tour of the country during which they will hold meetings on Skye, and in Renfrew and Orkney. This will be the fifth consecutive year that the Cabinet has emba...
Read full storyMayan Doomsday End of the World Scenario Could Play Havoc with House Prices
Worried estate agents say they fear a housing price crisis should the world end on either the 21st or 22nd of December 2012 as predicted by the Mayan calendar with some estate agents claiming that many properties could be forced into foreclosure as s...
Read full storyPet mis-diagnosed as suffering from special needs
A family pet has become the first animal to be officially diagnosed as special needs after it became trapped in the same place for the eighth time this year. The cat, Daley, named after former Olympic Decathlon Champion Daley Thompson, once again...
Read full storyMLB Cheating: As American as Apple Pie and Hot Dogs
The hidden ball trick has gone to the ultimate level. When New York Yankee outfielder Dewayne Wise did not catch the ball after going over the short wall in an effort, the umpire Mike DiMuro ruled it was a fair catch. The Wise guy faked the n...
Read full storyState merger proposed
In a bid to simplify the teaching of the states, a new proposal has been put forward to merge some states. "Why do we need a North and South Dakota?" asked Dee Sentrale, head of a Californian PR firm. "So we will be merging them into just Dakota.
Read full storyDangerous drivers to get an unusual punishment
The Department For Road And Transport have come up with an unusual way of punishing dangerous drivers, in an attempt to rehabilitate them. "Simply fining and locking up dangerous drivers does not alter their driving style," Mike Penning, minister...
Read full storyQueen - McGuinness Handshake Rehearsal Fiasco
As the world watched Belfast today in anticipation of an historical handshake, details emerged of unsavoury scenes during preparations for the event. During Her Majesty's Jubilee visit to Northern Ireland she was expected to shake hands with Deput...
Read full storyA True Diary of Woe - Part 58 - Going to Work
A diary of one man's (Using the term lossely) utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947 Chapter 102: Going to work - 1960 I knew of the one-day bus-drivers strike, so set out really early to walk the 8 miles or so to Buwell. Being greeted as I opened the door by the snow and ice I did not expect. I went back in and adorned me well...
Read full storyThe Vomit Will Be Flowing Through the Gutters of Washington DC. Tonight!
What are you doing tonight? "Yea, man, like let's go down to Washington DC par-tay in George Town! I mean, were going to have a great time, have a few brewskis, find some ladies, oh yea, let's go!" The Reality First you go down to George Town and your ride is a geeky friends 1991 Volkswagen rabbit. You sit in traffic for an hour to get into George Town and then you can't find a parking sp...
Read full storyThe Robert Pattinson - Kristen Stewart Relationship Appears To Be On The Rocks
HOLLYWOOD - The couple that Joan Rivers called one of the happiest couples that she has ever seen; since Dick and Liz, appears to be heading straight for Rocksville. A source close to both R-Pattz and K-Stew stated to Bedroom Pillow Talk that the...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Is Furious With Brad Pitt At His Suggestion That They Have A Double Wedding With Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux
NEW YORK CITY - Brad Pitt and Angelina visited the Big Apple with their brood of half dozen kids. The couple had been wanting to have them visit the Statue of Liberty, Central Park, Madison Square Garden, and the apartment building where Madonna l...
Read full storyLord Cameron To Outlaw Poorlessness
Tory leader, Lord Cameron of Snooty, announced the largest shake up of welfare reforms this week since Hitlers' rise to power in 1930's Berlin. In a speech, clearly designed to appease the Conservative Right, Lord Cameron launched a blistering at...
Read full storySpider-Man Ousted from NYC Gym
To many, he's the amazing Spider-Man. But he's not that amazing to the owners of a gym on the upper East side of Manhattan. They had given him a temporary pass to use the gym facilities, but they're not pleased with his behavior. They've confirmed what was only a rumor: that they've turned down Spidey for permanent membership. These are the reasons they gave: -- Spider-Man refuses to us...
Read full storyEuro 2012: Spain ask UEFA for extended half-time siesta
European Champions and World Cup winners Spain, have asked UEFA to increase the half-time break in their semi-final against Portugal from 15 minutes to 60 minutes as they struggle to overcome tiredness. The defending champs had to play their quart...
Read full storyRoger Clemens Agrees To Appear On The Next Edition of Dancing With The Stars
HOLLYWOOD - Tom "The Sad Face" Bergeron, host of Dancing With The Stars, has just announced that Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens will be appearing on the upcoming season of the reality dance show. The shows producer Bernadette Penderle...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Accidentally Texts Boyfriend Kanye West That She Is Getting Bored With Him
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kim Kardashian has just done the worst thing that a text messager could ever possibly do. She has accidentally sent a text message to her boyfriend, Kanye West, when she meant to send it to her sister Khloe instead. Kim told...
Read full storyEnglish Teacher In Hot Water After Teaching Students How To Make A Millwall Brick
An English teacher living in the Thai capital of Bangkok, is in trouble with authorities at his school this morning after he was reported to have taught his students how to make the ultimate football weapon - a Millwall Brick. Monkey Woods, 49 las...
Read full storyEasy Recipies, Number 4 - Veal Sweetbreads, Drizzled With Lemon & Accompanied By Safron Rice
In this short series of recipes we will teach readers how to prepare snacks, lunches and even 5 course dinners quickly and easily. Today we continue the series with veal sweetbreads, drizzled with lemon and accompanied by saffron rice, a quick snack that kids will love. 1. This dish is extremely complicated to make. You need to firstly obtain veal sweetbreads and at $17.99 a pound they are not...
Read full storyBritish and the World Hoodwinked by Royal Family - Despite The Jubilee Queen and Royal Family Still The Same Old Elitists With Chips on Their Shoulders
News that the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, who will one day be the Queen has been instructed to curtsy to uglier members of the Royal family, simply because she does not have "Royal Blood" has unfortunately shown the Royal's for what they tru...
Read full storyWimbledon 2012: Andy Murray Routs Unknown Russian
British number one tennis player Andy Murray opened his 2012 Wimbledon campaign by producing a near-faultless display during a crushing victory over unknown Russian Davy Denko. Fourth seed Murray dominated Denko with huge serves and beautifully-ac...
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