Euro 2012: No pain in Ukraine as England avoid Spain
England fans partied into the night after the hard fought 1-0 victory over hosts Ukraine which secured them a place in the quarter-finals of the tournament. There was even more reason to celebrate when news filtered through that France had been b...
Read full storyIf Asteroids Can Be Weighed from Afar, So Can New Yorkers
According to NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg, that is. He was reading an article, "Asteroid weighed from millions of miles away," on Softpedia.com, when he began jumping up and down for joy. Not satisfied with his plan to limit the size of sugary drinks...
Read full storyOral sex ban at Druids' Tooting Bec Lido summer solstice esbat
London - Mayhem surrounds Druids' planned solstice festivities at the London lido made famous by Brad Pitt's boxing scene in the movie Snatch. Refusal to use compulsory non-pagan issue rubbers from the onsite vending machines is causing schism am...
Read full storyMitt Romney Highlights Credentials for His Running Mate
As speculation mounts that Marco Rubio, the senator from Florida could be a possible running mate for Mitt Romney it has been revealed that Romney has compiled a list of requirements, he feels essential, for the role of Vice President. Number one,...
Read full storyEuro 2012: Germany refuse to give Greece credit
Germany coach Joachim Low today stoked the fire in the hotly anticipated quarter-final clash with underdogs Greece by refusing to give them credit for getting to the knock-out stages. Low explained his comments at a press conference today "We were...
Read full storyAmerican Fans' Fury as England Gets To Host Wimbledon...Again
American tennis fans are up in arms, some furious even, after England was once again chosen to host this year's Wimbledon tennis tournament the 80th time in a row that London has been selected to host the tournament, some calling the decision...shame...
Read full storyNude Vampire Meets Nude Werewolf Who Then Has Sex with Nude Witch, Nude Fairy Then Has Sex with Nude Sheriff.........Future True Blood Scripts Hacked and Leaked Online
True Blood, HBO's alarmingly predictable Vampire show has been subject to a hack attack. 24 scripts, of the next 24 shows have been released on line, thus spoiling the plot for millions of viewers. Spoiler Alert: If you do not want to know what...
Read full storyCop Tasers naked eighty-year-old woman in Stop and Frisk!
In a story that Tampa, Florida police are attempting to keep quiet, an eighty year old naked lady was Tasered by a local constable late yesterday. According to media reports, the deputy stopped the woman in a "stop & frisk" operation. No one could explain, why? The media respecting the woman's privacy is withholding her name. Reporters were allowed to question the arresting officer after he...
Read full storyDickens busts loose at CERN! Glorious scandal! Harley Street Chiropractor Already in Jail!
Hilarious statement made by Offenbach's top gens d'arme! Hoppity Hooper to flip when he hears this! "Un be lucking fleebable!" 'tis a great day for underemployed prosecutors everywhere because the lorries are lineing up to haul them away from...
Read full story"Don't Snitch" Culture Creeps Into American Government - We Now Have Ghetto Politics
The culture of "Don't Snitch" that has blighted African American neighborhoods, where citizens refuse to cooperate with law enforcement or authority, either due to fear or a misconceived fear of the law has at last crept into our constitution, thanks...
Read full storyRajon Rondo Versus Tyson Chandler: Scavengers at Large
For those who missed the late-night hijinks, Chandler Tyson and Rajon Rondo engaged in an online scavenger hunt for the Jimmy Kimmel Show. With surprising good grace and good humor, the two NBA superstars were faced with causing their own embarras...
Read full storyHow to get a free cup of coffee at Starbucks
How to get a free cup of coffee from Starbucks From the Staff of dc Lampoon Times are tough and coffee ain't cheap! So we here at the dclampoon.com have come up with some sure fire methods for you to get your free cup of morning Joe from non-participating Starbucks. The origins of free coffee The origins of free coffee can probably be traced back to some loin cloth wearing native starv...
Read full storyJulian Assange's Biggest Leak: Wets Himself and flees to Ecuadorian Embassy In Panic Pleading for Asylum!
The Australian cyber slut accused of leaking hundred's of thousands of confidential emails and sensitive government documents resulting in the untold misfortune and possibly death for hundreds of confidential government informants, and the embarrassm...
Read full storyReporter kicked off the campaign trail by Mitt Romney
NASHUA NEW-HAMPSHIRE - I'm sitting down at the "Happy Pig" lunch counter café in down town Nashua New Hampshire, nursing my tenth cup of coffee while waiting for Mitt Romney to arrive. The short order cook is busy in the back flipping over egg's and bacon on a hot grill as Sally, the lone waitress in this joint, is carrying plates in both hands and serving it up to two burly looking steel workers...
Read full storyGravy Man, Ken Mither Wins Coveted 2012 Olympics Food Stand Concession
Yorkshire gravy champion, Ken Mither, recently described in media circles as the 'Gravy Man' has announced that he has been awarded a much treasured official food concession stand, outside the Olympic Stadium in Stratford, East London. "Mither be...
Read full storyJohnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis split up because Johnny loves his pirate parrot too much!
After 14 years of attempting to build a relationship Johnny Depp and his Vanessa have decided to split up mutually. The reasons for the split were plain to see because Johnny was never at home; he prefers a life on the seven seas and loved his parrot...
Read full storyMichelle Obama's Irish Roots Linked to Loathing of Mashed Potatoes & Mushy Peas!
In recent genealogical revelations first lady Michelle Robinson Obama has been tied to an Irish immigrant named Andrew Shields who fought in the Revolutionary War after becoming a citizen of the slave owning state of Georgia. Exhausting investig...
Read full storyVice-President Joe Biden Comes Up With A Brilliant Idea For President Obama To Bring In The Voters and Their Cash Donations
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama has named Vice-President Biden to be the chairman of The Let's Bring In The Voters Committee. The vice-president suggested to his boss that one way to bring in voters plus voter contributions would be for the pre...
Read full storyU.S. Obesity Epidemic has Porn Industry Scrambling
The makers of sex movies in the United States are in panic mode as their pool of women with hot bodies dries up amidst the country's exploding problem with fat people. "Let's face it, when two thirds of your population is overweight, you're just...
Read full storyKevin Garnett Plays It Close to the Vest-and Heart
If you want to know what Rajon Rondo is thinking, ask OKC Thunder center Kendrick Perkins what he is thinking. If you want to know what Kevin Garnett is thinking, ask his former Timberwolves coach Flip Saunders who worked the postseason as a speci...
Read full storyQuentin Kelp MP - Midweek
Dear Constituents It has been a very hectic start to the week. But the time has gone quickly as I have been discussing the Euro crisis with my MP friend and mentor, Milton Mancini, the MP for Pipstock. Now as you know, Milton has strong Italian connections although he has been resident in this country since a boy. Milton's father brought him here about fifty years ago to escape the stress...
Read full storyFIFA Boss Blatter Demands Goal Line Technology After England Win
Head of world football, Sepp Blatter, has finally accepted that the time is right to introduce goal-line technology (GLT) into the game following England's progress into the Euro 2012 quarter-finals last night. The FIFA president tweeted that he f...
Read full storyWas the Ball over the Line?
The question being asked after England's 1-0 win over the Ukraine was: WAS THE BALL OVER THE LINE BEFORE ROONEY HEADED IT? Numerous playbacks of the goal from various angles, including one from the top of Rooney's head, left a definite impression...
Read full storyZombie Slam 2016---Get Your Tickets Now.. Presented by WWE
In keeping with the tradition of pay-per-view wrestling events, WWE has decided to give the fans what they wanted. This is an event unlike any other and will never be copied. All of your zombie favorites will be wrestling to their utter destruction a...
Read full storyStories Too Defamatory
On CNN, a reporter was given his walking papers because he gave a report that his superiors thought was too defamatory to its subject matter. The reporter had been reporting on a woman naked eating ice cream in a CVS right after having an accident...
Read full storyTime? Says US Navy-Did We Miss Something?
The US Navy has this problem with clocks. And to be fair, we can't blame the gobs out there chipping the paint. That's navy life. Earlier this month, the spoof scooped the potato, the carrot AND the onion.com's when the International Dateline malfunctioned and the US Navy responded with force to escort June in. The spoof's spook speaks time and again! But would anyone listen? Now it tu...
Read full storyBeauty Contest Between Republican and Democrat Women
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley and Alaska Governor Sara Palin have teamed up and issued a challenge for a beauty contest amongst Democrat and Republican Women. Contestants will vie for a coveted position in politics for their respective part...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Reportedly Caught With 1,000 Placebo Pills In Tijuana, Mexico
TIJUANA, Mexico - Lindsay Lohan told her probation officer that she was going to visit Tijuana, Mexico to buy a special type of huaraches (sandals) that are not sold anywhere in the United States. Lohan crossed into Mexico and wandered around pret...
Read full storyAbba Tribute Act Injured Onstage
A performer with the silent Abba tribute act 'Mime-A-Mia' was left pole axed on stage last night after he collided with a previous act's unfinished introductory joke. The joke, an aborted one liner known as the ' A Man Walked Into A Bar' gag, had bee...
Read full storyMetta World Peace of The L.A. Lakers Launches A Verbal Attack On James Harden Of The Oklahoma City Thunder
LOS ANGELES - Rufus Reno with Sports Balls Illustrated Weeklyy has been covering Metta World Peace ever since the time back in 2004, when during a game (Ron Artest) went ballistic and jumped into the stands and started fighting with fans at a Detroit...
Read full storyLittle Darth Vader wakes up from the dead
Little Darth Vader was taken to the hospital suffering chest pains and diarrhea when he stopped breathing during treatment. The doctors said he was suffering from dehydration and pneumonia. Kim Kardashian, who drove Little Darth Vader to the hosp...
Read full storyThings are looking up for Kirstie's Alley. Battersea Power Station Lowers Alert to Pi. Guards Don't Get the Point of that! What, with the pyramids flying around and all.
After being blown out of Los Angeles on points (or lack thereof) America's gallant answer to Pink Floyd's brilliant metaphor of British Power(lessness) will not be seen flying over Battersea station anytime soon. Instead, she's floating north t...
Read full storyI Thought Kazoo Lived in a Zoo
When I was a kid, everything I needed to know to get through life I had already learned from cartoons before I graduated kindergarten. I learned how to be sarcastic, underhanded and a master of disguise from Bugs Bunny which I felt could come in handy some day if someone tries to serve me with a bench warrant. I learned the importance of being greedy, greedy, greedy and more greedy from Daffy Du...
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