Stockport County Sign Danny Rowe to play alongside...Danny Rowe
Stockport County, recently relegated from the league into non-league have signed Danny Rowe on loan from Fleetwood Town, a team from the other end of the Conference National to themselves. "We're near the bottom of the league," said manager Jim "T...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Spanks Nation's Children - Sends Them To Bed Without Supper
Washington DC - The First Lady has taken further and more drastic action in her efforts to raise everyone's children for them. Michelle Obama, whose work to bring tasteless and crappy food to the nation's school cafeterias was a dismal failure and on...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann Returns to Minnesota after God says "No More"...don't cha know...
Sioux Iowa - Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has suspended her campaign for the White House after her dismal, sixth place finish in Tuesday night's caucuses. "I have heard the word of the Lord and he has told me to stand aside,"...
Read full storyRumours of 'cracks' in the royal marriage after Kate hears Russel Brand single again
Sometimes even the life of a princess is not enough for some girls, and a source close to Wills and Kate confirmed that the ex Miss Middleton's 'heart skipped a beat' when she heard that wild child and botherer of pensioners' answerphones, Russel Bra...
Read full storyParanoid 'Shovel Face' Eludes Mental Health Team In Burnley Cemetery
The woman known only as 'Shovel Face' last night eluded a mental health team in a Burnley Cemetery, and once again fled screaming into the night. Ted Tenter, of the local mental health team told reporters: "We're desperate to contact this indiv...
Read full storyApple to Patent Steve Jobs
It is the ultimate accolade for any individual, when the company they founded applies for a patent on them. The Late Steve Jobs has received such an honour from Apple Inc. "We feel that Steve was so unique, that we want to ensure that he stays...
Read full storyUS Military Rationed To Fighting One War At A Time
In a shock move from Washington, it has been announced that the US military will be strictly rationed to fighting one war at a time for the foreseeable future. The reason given was that in the current dire economic climate, the USA can no longer a...
Read full storyCockneys tell more porkies than Scousers and Taffies
Cockneys tell more lies than Scousers or Taffies, according to a local survey. The Londoners score an average of seven porkies a day, with Scousers achieving five and the hapless Taffies managing only four little fibs. Both the Cockneys polled...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Plays with Dead Father So All Know He's Real
AP - Rumors recently surfaced that the new North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong Un, has secretly removed his father's body and has been playing with him nightly and signing lullabies. Jong Un's palace forces have kept the secret since Kim Jon Il's death;...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann Drops Out of The GOP Race and Says That The Alleged Matt Damon Sex Tapes Were Not The Reason
DES MOINES, Iowa - After being on the political campaign trail for 205 days and 205 nights Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has announced that she is suspending her GOP presidential run. Bachmann speaking before a crowd estimated to be 91...
Read full storyVinnie Jones shows the world how to apply CPR and then GBH to cardiac arrest patients!
Ex footballer (cough, cough), thug actor and general hard-man, Vinnie Jones, has been chosen for an advertising campaign showing people how not to kiss people whilst having cardiac arrest, but to apply CPR with the hands and when that doesn't work, a...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann quits presidential race because she has no time for her botox injections!
US presidential candidate for the Republican party, Michele Bachmann, has announced she is pulling out of the race, but not because she had a bum result in Des Moines, Iowa. She's pulling out because she fears the presidential race is too intensive a...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie Announces That She Is Pregnant - Brad Pitt Says He Will Not Be Dumping Her After All
PROVENCE, France - Angelina Jolie has just learned that she and her partner of seven years Brad Pitt will soon be having their seventh child. Jolie, 36, had recently been having some major bouts with intestinal rumblings as they call it in New Jer...
Read full storyDozens of loan sharks stranded on beach
Dover was closed yesterday as emergency services tried to rescue nearly 40 huge loan sharks left stranded on the beach after massive downfalls in the U.K. economy. Many of them had been over-whelmed with high-interest credit and were unable to cop...
Read full storyBarton to sue ref
QPR captain Joey Barton is contemplating (mmm - that's quite newsworthy in itself!), well, 'considering' legal action. He reckons he could sue the referee for his actions in last week's game against Norwich City. "It's the way he flashed hi...
Read full storyKerry Katona spitting nails at New Years Honours snub
A glaring omission from this years New Years Honours list has seen tv celebrity/former 'singer' and media ho Kerry Katona express her disbelief yesterday. Speaking from the star studded gala that closed the 'Save a Chav for Crimbo' charity campaig...
Read full storyJustin Timberlake Won't Bring the Sexy to Elton John Role
Justin Timberlake has agreed to play the iconic Sir Elton John in an upcoming movie about John's life, but will not be allowed to apply his natural talent for suggestive body movement in the role. Timberlake was warned by producers before film con...
Read full storySantorum Celebrates Caucus Win with 2 Week Old Chicken Fetus
Rick Santorum, gitty from last night's Caucus win in Iowa asks a local farmer to provide him a chicken fetus to sing songs to and cuddle over night in hotel room. J.R. McDonald, 92 yrs old Northern Iowa farmer, was taken aback at first when Rick m...
Read full storyBBC omits King George V's euthanasia jab in latest royal cover-up
London - The lethal cocaine/heroin cocktail was injected directly into the dying King's jugular by royal physicians working the late shift. Last night the Beeb's King George and Queen Mary: the Royals Who Rescued the Monarchy hatchet job suffered...
Read full storyNation given right to sue midwife who delivered Joey Barton
The British public should be granted the legal right to sue the mid-wife who successfully cleared the airways of the newborn Queens Park Rangers midfielder, Joey Barton, according to everyone polled. 100% of the population asked whether they agree...
Read full storyIowan Eight "Mitt Romney voters" wake up with hangovers and recant - "He's a Pratt!" hits the morning papers
Mitt Romney's Mormon Holy Quest to lock down the 2012 Republican presidential nomination was sharply undercut this morning when eight Iowans who had apparently participated in caucus while under the influence of various dance club substances woke up...
Read full storyFormer IMF chief to test breast implants
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former International Monetary Fund (IMF) leader, and serial sex-pest, has volunteered to do testing of silicone breast implants. "When I heard that the French company PIP was selling sub-standard prosthetics to the worl...
Read full storyBBC replace Football League Show with Hackney Marshes 'kickabout'
The BBC Football League Show featuring all the goals from the championship, league one and league two has been axed by the BBC over ongoing budget cuts to the corporation, which led to the Christmas and New Year editions being cancelled. "HELLO TO...
Read full storySandringham cops search for 'massive suitcase' amid Shergar tip-off
Norfolk - Detectives probing the unexplained death of a woman found on the Sandringham estate's pheasant potting range have been tipped the wink about another unexplained RIP. It's said to be 'so astonishing' that ground penetrating radar may now...
Read full storyWendy Deng Twitter account fake
Operators of the popular social networking site Twitter were apologetic but believe had mitigation for their part in the Wendy Deng bungle. Wendy Deng is the 43 year-old wife of uber-rich media magnate Rupert Murdoch, who despite his 80 years, obv...
Read full storyRupert Murdoch & News International apologise for Charlotte Church 'Countdown Clock'
News International newspapers and Rupert Murdoch today made an unreserved apology over the Charlotte Church 'Countdown Clock'. The countdown clock for the scrumptious welsh childhood star was placed in the newsroom of News International newspapers...
Read full storyDavid Walliams and Alesha Dixon named as 'Britains Got Talent' judges
ITV today announced the new judges line-up for 2012 and how to apply to appear on the show. Out go Michelle Milkytyre and Darius Hassletoff replaced by Bitty Britain star David Walliams and Strictly Corn Dancing judge Alesha Dixon. Simon Cowell wi...
Read full storyUrine Sales Face Recession
The Euro zone faces recession as bond sales of special urine packages are going badly wrong. A leak from a urine sample in Germany has upset the market and caused quite a stink. British urine is standing up well and the city is betting on a decent...
Read full storyBradley Johnson of Norwich tells QPR brat Joey Barton his 'breath stinks'
WHILE Joey Barton took to Twitter last night to hit out at Bradley Johnson, the Norwich star found a novel way of responding. The pair clashed as the Canaries beat QPR at Loftus Road on Monday with Barton being sent off for an alleged headbutt.
Read full storyPremiership vs Bundesliga players Match Arranged for 2012
The match is to take place at the Wembley Stadium, owned by the FA, through their subsidiary Wembley National Stadium Ltd (WNSL), to which many MP's are shareholders and advisors, later in 2011. The inspiration for such a competitive match came fr...
Read full storyThe Reason Why The Statue of Libety Is Being Moved From New York City To Washington D.C.
NEW YORK CITY - Mayor Bloomberg is pretty upset at a text message that he has just received from Vice-President Joe Biden. The vice-president has informed the mayor that the Federal Historical Department, which is headed by Biden, has just voted 4...
Read full storyIt's Official! X-Factor's Rachel Crow and Drew Ryniewicz To Tour With Selena Gomez And Demi Lovato
HOLLYWOOD - A spokesperson for Selena Gomez has just announced an upcoming concert tour that will feature Gomez, Demi Lovato, and two of this year's youngest X-Factor contestants Rachel Crow, 13, and Drew Ryniewicz, 14. The 37-city tour is being p...
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