Written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

image for Justin Timberlake Won't Bring the Sexy to Elton John Role
The Classic Elton John Stage Hat.

Justin Timberlake has agreed to play the iconic Sir Elton John in an upcoming movie about John's life, but will not be allowed to apply his natural talent for suggestive body movement in the role.

Timberlake was warned by producers before film contracts were signed, that control over his hip movement and pelvic thrusts would be closely monitored. "We're not looking for Timberlake's to make a stage oriented, N'Sync interpretation of this British national treasure", says assistant producer, Boris Tadeff. "Sir Elton had considerably more class than that and didn't require something as juvenile as hip gyrations to win his audiences over".

Tadeff, who coincidently was the same age as Timberlake, admitted that he had never seen one of John's earlier performances live. "The stately Mr. John likes to wear a modest but slightly fancy dinner jacket once in a while, so what", added Tadeff.

Reportedly taking the Timberlake stage interpretation threat seriously, movie producers have retained the services of former British Marine Sniper, Eton Sharpton, to watch over Timberlake during filming. As soon as Timberlake rolls a hip, bobs his head, thrusts a pelvis or grabs his crotch, Sharpton is reportedly instructed to shoot Timberlake in the testicles with an air powered BB gun. "That will straighten him out", said Sharpton.

In the spirit of historical accuracy for Elton John stage performances, Tadeff added, "Poor Elton was a brilliant musician, but not much of a dancer. The word 'sexy' never really comes to mind while he's wearing a feathered boa, Alice in Wonderland top hat and carnival glasses. I mean, the bloke does a nice leg kick out from the piano bench once in a while, but that's about it really".

Timberlake could not be reached for comment during the early filming, apparently taking time between takes to soak his nut sack in a bowl of ice water.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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