Nation given right to sue midwife who delivered Joey Barton

Funny story written by Deafo

Wednesday, 4 January 2012


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The British public should be granted the legal right to sue the mid-wife who successfully cleared the airways of the newborn Queens Park Rangers midfielder, Joey Barton, according to everyone polled.

100% of the population asked whether they agreed with NHS employee, Sheila Holdsworth's decision to extend life to the 8lb 2 oz Barton immediately after his birth felt her performance merited retrospective censure in a Court of Law.

Geoff Fleck from Humberside was adamant the UK's inhabitants had due cause to seek financial recompense just for having to share the same shit forsaken plain as the former Newcastle man on a daily basis.

He told us, 'It's quite an aberration to think it's taken almost 30 years for such a move to be proposed, especially when you consider his record of unsavoury behaviour both on the football field and in City Centre's across the country.'

'But then some might argue the bigger transgression was imparted upon us by his reckless midwife, Mrs Holdsworth, when choosing to give Barton a stab at becoming the obnoxious oaf he has gone on to become when she stuck her fingers down his throat.'

'What's equally surprising is that he didn't get up and head-butt her there and then when the doctor's head was turned.'

Former Premier League referee Graham Poll admitted he had already contacted a 'No-Win, No-Fee' solicitor with a view to prosecuting the nurse for her misdemeanour.

'At the very least she should be demoted to delivering newborn Scotsmen for the next month.'

'But in my opinion, it's a triple yellow card offence that should see her sidelined to umbilical chord duties.'

An NHS spokesman said midwife's were barred from discussing their performance post-birth.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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