NAZIs to Promote Dyslexia Awareness
In an apparent effort to re-brand itself for the second decade of the twentieth century the National Socialist German Workers Party, or, as they are more readily known, The NAZI Party announced today that the organization is spearheading a global eff...
Read full storyThe Reason Why Nathan Lane Will Not Be Portraying Glenn Beck In A Movie Based On His Life
LOS ANGELES - Nathan Lane is reportedly devastated at the news that he has been rejected as the lead in The True Unsugarcoated Story of Glenn Beck. The self-avowed gay actor who has appeared in such film classics as The Birdcage Newspapers, Gays a...
Read full storyBurnley Man Admits Being Sasquatch
Mild mannered Burnley family man Alvin Topping 52 has come forward to local officials and turned himself in as the elusive Bigfoot alias the Sasquatch and Yeti. Topping, an actuarial by trade and clean shaven, seems an unlikely candidate for Bigfo...
Read full storyWeiner Stands Erect Dispite Soft Support For His Hands On Approach To Hardline Politics
Politician Anthony Weiner has announced he will be pulling out of office because he has become impotently flaccid in regards to the deeply penetrating issues laid before the Government. Weiner has recently become the butt of jokes around the Capi...
Read full storyGovernment Introduces New "Wear A Funny Mask Day"
The government has introduced a new holiday called "Wear A Funny Mask Day" in order to boost the country's morale. Even government ministers will be wearing them. Earlier today we saw Minster for Education Michael Gove come in to No. 10 wearing a...
Read full storyFluorescent woman commits suicide by taking her own light
A fluorescent woman, known in her community as 'the fisherman's friend' for her unerring ability to attract flies, has reportedly committed suicide by taking her own light. Felicity Hue, from Sweet Haven, is said to developed severe psychological...
Read full storyGlobal 'War on drugs' working just fine, claim U16's
Under 16's in Britain have thrown the full weight of their substance addled minds behind the global 'war on drugs', saying it has never been easier to perpetuate their habits. The Global Commission on Drug Policy has issued a report calling for...
Read full storyOlympic Games 2012 results now available!
Olympic HQ, Stratford: Results are now coming for the Games of the XVZWV Olympiad. In first place, 5,000 tickets for Britain's richest man worth £29.8billion. In second place, 1,000 tickets to Gaddafi's eldest son Muhammad, as head of Libyas' Olympic committee. Currently blocked by the International Olympics Committee (IOC). In last place, 000 tickets [NIL] to see the Olympic games, are...
Read full storySmoking Ban To Extend To Drinkers
The smoking ban in UK pubs has been such a success that the government now intend to extend it to include drinkers. The Department Of Health say that since the ban was introduced in 2006 and 2007, thousands of lives have been saved. "What the B...
Read full storyThe ugliest woman in the world
Who is the most ugliest woman in the world? Hollywood would have presented her to us. Maya Angelou, Beyonce Knowles or perhaps Pearl Bailey. Who could it be? Correspondent Andy Jackson reports the woman who currently holds the title, at least acc...
Read full storyGingrich's Breakfast At Tiffany's
Clutching a jam filled croissant in each fist, trice married presidential contender Newt Gingrich was spotted early in the morning standing in front of a window at Tiffany's, wearing black sunglasses and humming Moon River. He was savoring both the c...
Read full storySyrian Government Release Report Highlighting the many Benefits of Being Shot
New York, NY - A report released today by Syrian scientists reportedly will stress the various health benefits of being shot. The report said aid groups may be an attempt to blunt the political firestorm created in the aftermath of numerous media rep...
Read full storyMy Favourite Slut Walks by Sir Digby Herring-Bone Sweater No 24. Croydon-On-The-Lash
Each week we join Sir Digby Herringbone-Sweater as he takes us on one of his famous Slut Walks. This week, Sir Digby discovers the cultural high watermark that is Croydon-On-The-Lash and its environs. I step off the rickety tram (a charming hallmark of a bygone era) alighting on the outskirts of East Croydon station, wondering what sights I will behold on this, my latest Slut Walk? I can barel...
Read full storyMore Letters To The Editor By Mad People
Dear Sir, having read your august journal now these past 30 years, I am writing my first letter. I would not normally put pen to paper but feel moved to speak of the shortage of butlers these days. There was a time - or so my father tells me - when butling was considered a noble calling. But sadly, the advent of the television, with its celebration of selfishness and petty materialism, had p...
Read full storyA Group of Wealthy Ohio Businessmen Want To Purchase The Miami Heat and Move The Team To Tegucigalpa, Honduras
CLEVELAND - Businessman Leander W. Gollyheimer, who heads a group of investment brokers in Ohio says that his attorneys are negotiating to buy the Miami Heat of the NBA. The Heat lost to the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals four games to two.
Read full storyFootball world in shock as manager takes somewhat one sided view about decision directly affecting his team.
The world of football was stunned last night when, tired, stressed and under pressure, a football manger made a slightly one-eyed and ill-judged comment. Bill McBain, who had just seen his team lose two points in a crucial relegation battle follow...
Read full storyOutrage As Farmer Shoves Goose Up Anus
It seemed impossible. Many people thought they were dreaming when they heard it. But it happened, and it happened on a farm in Somerset. David Powkin is 56. He has been working on Randunlend Farm for 40 years now having taking over from his father...
Read full storyWimbledon 2011 - Andy Murray Vows Not To Disappoint Fans
Scottish tennis sensation Andy Murray today vowed not to disappoint the fans at this year's Wimbledon Championships, saying that he'll probably go all the way before he totally capitulates to Nadal or Federer in the latter stages of the tournament.
Read full storyBritish Scientists make Big Spud!
British scientists have produced a new genetically modified potato. Called 'The Lonely', each plant can only produce one solitary spud, it will be available for us to buy in Britain's greengrocers and supermarkets later this year. Producing just o...
Read full storyBad heir day as Cameron in Father's Day weasel words rant
London - The daft tosspot's Father's Day lecture has fooled no one, a single mother commented today. "Show us the DNA print out about your own parents, Dave," mother-of-five Ms Mildred Mildew of Tooting Magma told Sunday Smearer reporters at lunch...
Read full storyRory McIlroy 'A Bag Of Nerves' Ahead Of US Open Final Round
Rory McIlroy, the brilliant young Northern Irish golfer, appears to have the US Open Championship in the bag, going into the final round of the prestigious Major at Maryland's Congressional Country Club with an eight shot lead and fourteen under par.
Read full storyDemocracy is "undemocratic"
Left wing think tank Jizzmop have released a report in which they say that modern democracy is not compatible with the ideals of modern democracy. Spokesman Leonardo Jizzmop explained that the problem lies with majority rule. "In a democracy, the majority can out-rule a minority, and that's really unfair on minorities." One example Mr Jizzmop likes to give is that of Hitler, who was democrat...
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