Global 'War on drugs' working just fine, claim U16's

Funny story written by Deafo

Sunday, 19 June 2011


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'Ecstacy, crack, heroin.'

Under 16's in Britain have thrown the full weight of their substance addled minds behind the global 'war on drugs', saying it has never been easier to perpetuate their habits.

The Global Commission on Drug Policy has issued a report calling for the legalisation of some drugs with an end to the criminalisation of vulnerable drug users, leading youngsters to staunchly defend the status quo of glamorising excessive usage through prohibition.

However, 14-year-old Sam Down, believes changing the current arrangement into something legitimate could lead to an unsightly spate of young drug users turning their back on usage as it loses its street cred.

He told reporters at a local school that things should be left as they are.

'At the moment I know I can on to any estate anywhere I like and readily score whatever substance it is I need to wile away the depression of watching my mum inject herself with skag all day long.'

Down feels that taking away that opportunity through thorough regulation which vets the quality of his favoured substance before selling it at a licenced premises just wouldn't feel the same.

'More importantly, they wouldn't serve me, cos I'm only fourteen. But my dealer doesn't care about that, he's only twelve himself.'

Sir Richard Branson, who took part in the study, says the current system is like strapping up a suicide bomber with TNT before giving him a lift to a market place.

'You wouldn't do that would you? 'So I ask myself, why would you put the only half interesting thing left for kids in these communities to do, drugs, right on their doorstep? Anyone would think the government want half mad youngsters terrorising society for their next hit.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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