Isle Of Wight News: Tourist Information Centre Manager "Optimistic" About The Summer
The summer holidays are just around the corner, and the Island's tourist attractions are girding their loins for yet another bumper season, writes Tourism, Philately, Lacrosse, Bingo, Psychiatry, Indo-Chinese Drama and Phrenology correspondent, Herbert Ffountaine. I spoke to Eric Ladle, General Manager of the Island's Tourist Information Centres, yesterday. We had a jolly interesting conversati...
Read full storyCongressman Anthony Weiner To Change His Name
It's a little unfortunate for Congressman Anthony Weiner that he got caught out doing that thing he did, even more ironic when you consider that his surname has a direct link with a euphemistic term commonly applied to the male reproductive organ.
Read full storyFull Details of Joss Stone Robbery Bid Revealed
The full details of a robbery attempt at Joss stone's Devon home have been revealed by the Chief Inspector of the Cornish Constabulary. He said the robbery is believed to have revolved around some particularly nice scones. Joss baked the scones...
Read full storyWeiner Attorney Prepares Pro Bono Defense For Tony "Look At This" Weiner
BALL BUSTING NEWS RELEASE: New York attorney, Isadore Benvenudo, announced today that he is willing to provide a pro bono defense for the alleged depiction of the XXX rated photo of Weiner's weiner that has been displayed on the Internet. Agreein...
Read full storyBirmingham residents told to be on look out for 'The Scarlet Spoofer' named so because he was seen wearing Man.United kit
The residents of Birmingham have been told by the Police to be extra vigilant in locking up their homes and cars. Apparently a peeping tom, has been reported peeping through bedroom and bathroom windows. The peeping tom has been dubbed by police 'T...
Read full storyFilipino Yob pegs his puppy on washing line, he'd wet himself!
A Filipino yobbo and "animal lover" decided to hang out his puppy to dry after he had wet himself and peed on the floor. He pegged it to the washing-line and thinking nothing of it, put photos of the pegged, hanging, flying puppy on his Facebook s...
Read full storyMass public sector strike to have no impact on their output
The 750,000 person co-ordinated strike action public sector workers are preparing to take part in later this month over pension changes, job cuts and a pay freeze are likely to have absolutely no impact on their overall level of output during this pe...
Read full storyGoogle working on 'Quantum Search'
Following their announcement earlier this week that Google is to roll-out both voice and picture-recognition searches to computers, Buster Gonad, an insider explained that the company has something 'much bigger, much clever-er' up it's sleeve. 'We...
Read full storyLeBron James and Dwyane Wade Finally Apologize To Dirk Nowitzki For Making Fun of Him When He Had A 102 Fever
MIAMI - Well it took them long enough but the losers of the NBA finals LeBron "Prince" James and Dwyane "The Court Jester" Wade have finally apologized to the 2010-2011 NBA Champion MVP Dirk "Mr. Class Act" Nowitzki. LeBron, who has since been tra...
Read full storyMarv Albert To Weiner: You Should Have At Least Worn Panties
Before the arrest of Marv Albert in 1997, he was at the top of his professional career, working for NBC doing NBA and NFL broadcasts. The end for Albert came when he picked up the morning paper and saw his name attached to the following words; panti...
Read full storyFran-Tique Answers Your Questions
Hi, dahlings! It is I, Fran-Tique, the mega-talented socialite, celebrity watcher and closeted Murder, She Wrote fan! I must start by saying many thanks to you for your ongoing support and sickening love. Anyway, to the issue at hand. I've received literally tons and tons of mail from you, my sycophantic fans, so my management team has decided to allow you to post your questions and I'll a...
Read full storyLose Weight Red Indian Style
The world's fattest man, native American, He Who Must Be Fed, has revealed he wants to lose weight. "I'm sick of being called a fat bastard," said Mr Fed 45 stone, a member of the fat belly tribe in Wyoming, USA. When I travelled to his reservation to speak with him, he told me, "I have struggled with my weight since childhood. It's all the fault of the white man. If he hadn't killed all of...
Read full storySwarming NYC killer bees 'go mental' ahead of lunar eclipse
New York - Millions of bees are converging on New York ahead of Wednesday's lunar eclipse. Swarms have been spotted flying in bizarre geometric formations likened to crop circle patterns seen in the UK's Wiltshire/Hampshire UFO beltway. Yesterd...
Read full storyOld People To Be Moved To Prison Ships
As concerns grow for elderly residents of care homes, new proposals have been advanced suggesting that placing the elderly on board strategically positioned prison ships will ease the burden on the taxpayer. The idea appears to be gaining support...
Read full storyFive Fun Facts About Millicent Morgan DeVille
1.) The much celebrated British stage and screen star of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70, 80s and 90s, was born while her mother was hanging out the washing in a small village near Bournemouth, UK. 2.) She had a much-publicised feud with Canadian actress Jeanie Crawford. The Canadian's overbearing nature was partly to blame, but it was mostly due to the sexual advances made by Crawford to Morga...
Read full story"Footballers? - They're All At It!" - Says Top Agent
It seems that no matter how much football's governing bodies attempt to sanitise and paper over the yawning cracks in the moral aspects of the beautiful game, philandering footballers are here to stay. As are dirty tricks, backhanders, corruption,...
Read full storyWaste collections to be based around lunar cycle
The government has admitted it is powerless to prevent councils from basing their refuse collections around the lunar cycle, despite earlier promises suggesting weekly collections would remain in place for the foreseeable future. Communities secre...
Read full storyDoncaster Doctor Only Ever Prescribed Valium GMC Told
Appearing before the General Medical Council, Doctor Amor DeFreitas, who works as a GP in downtown Doncaster was accused of only ever prescribing valium to patients, regardless of their medical condition. The matter first came to light when a loca...
Read full storyVilla fans urge Premier League inquiry into McLeish tapping up
Aston Villa fans have made a complaint to the Premier League pleading for an immediate 'employment threatening' investigation into their clubs apparent rule breach after reportedly tapping up former Birmingham manager, Alex McLeish. The Premier Le...
Read full storyTop Judge gives Cockney 'life' for small willy joke.
A petty crook has been sent to prison for life after belittling a Judge's manhood. Willy Scrote, of Hampton Wick, had originally received a "modest fine" for exposing himself in front of the Royal Box at Ascot on Ladies' Day. The jurors were to...
Read full story"Save the Realm!" Cpt. Cameron Announces HMS Victory to Be Refloated and Sent to Falklands!
Britain's Bathtub Admiral, and just half of the nation's dysfunctional Coalition, David Cameron, announced today that the HMS Victory, the World's oldest commissioned warship, will be re floated and activated in order to protect the nation's interes...
Read full storyBBC TV Centre Sale - Audacious Bid By Local News Service
An unexpected bid has been made for the BBC's iconic Television Centre, which is up for sale after 50 years in operation. The sale is part of the BBC's efforts to save money and to 'de-Londonise' operations. Opened in 1960, the 14-acre site - i...
Read full storyAlan Shearer Will Not Take Reins At Cardiff
Talks between Alan Shearer and Cardiff City have proved 'unsuccessful' and the Geordie favourite will not manage the nPower Championship club. The former Newcastle boss said: "I can confirm that I was one of the candidates that the club spoke to a...
Read full storyWet Paper Bag Collapses and Nearly Suffocates Republican Candidates!
It was like a wet version of the Hindenburg being broadcast on CNN live in New Hampshire. Romney sparred with Pawlenty, but suddenly they kissed and made up. Bachman turned to overdrive, but sputtered her water all over Gingrich. Then it came as...
Read full storyThe Playboy Wedding Is Off - Hugh Hefner's Fiancée Crystal Harris Dumps The 85-Year-Old Geezer
HOLMLY HILLS - Well it was billed as America's Biggest Wedding of The Year. But Crystal Harris, the fiancée of the Playboy mogul has unceremoniously dumped the Playboy relic. And the wedding was to have taken place this Saturday at the famous Play...
Read full storyNY is Now Only the FIFTH Dirtiest City in U.S., Slobs Get Special Invite to Visit
Last year it was Number 1. But this year, NY has fallen to fifth place. Mr. Clean may have been at work. That is, if you have faith in the results of a survey done by Travel + Leisure magazine. It shows that this year, New Orleans is the Numb...
Read full storyKirstie Alley Has Gained 12 Pounds In Three Weeks and She Blames It On Maksim Chmerkovskiy
AVOCADO HEIGHTS - Kirstie Alley sat all alone at a corner booth at a local Tacos, Tacos, and Mucho More Tacos. She looked rather dejected and somewhat bloated as she polished off the fourth of five Eva Longoria Beef Fajita Tacos. One of the patron...
Read full storyAlliance To Target Over Sixty Fives
The government has announced plans to reduce the number of pensioners nationwide. This is the latest in a long line of initiatives to reduce the national debt. Pensioners, they say, are a drain on national resources. Not only do they drain billion...
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