Waste collections to be based around lunar cycle

Funny story written by Deafo

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

The government has admitted it is powerless to prevent councils from basing their refuse collections around the lunar cycle, despite earlier promises suggesting weekly collections would remain in place for the foreseeable future.

Communities secretary Eric Pickles had hoped to include weekly removals in a new waste strategy proposal but was forced to include local council's preference to force householders to leave their rubbish out during the 'waxing gibbous' phase of the moons cycle, with removals occurring on the day of a full moon.

Pickles told reporters outside the Houses of Parliament that although the scheme was not what was originally intended, there were a number of unheralded benefits to the new plans.

He was quoted as saying, 'Despite my initial reservations surrounding local councils plans to use the light of the moon to gauge the best day for waste removal, further discussions with councillors across the country has somewhat swayed my opinion.'

'Firstly, the environmental benefits.'

'They are huge.'

'The 'waxing' phase of the moon, is second only in its provision of light to a full moon.'

'This means tax payers can take there rubbish and leave out the front of their houses in natural light, rather than utilising an outdoor one of their own, not only saving them money but saving the nation vital supplies of electricity for other frivolous activities, like being an MP.'

'Additionally, it is well known that people lose the plot on full moons. That undoubtedly means people will inevitably attack left out rubbish in fury and making a right mess of the place, which means councils wouldn't actually have to pick it up, as it wasn't technically in the bag, or designated recycling trays.'

Householder, Sheila Watts, was concerned at the shift in policy.

'What next?'

'Re-cycling to be conducted only on the summer solstice?'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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