Spoof news snippets from 2005
There were 88 spoof news snippets published in 2005. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Texas passes constitutional amendment barring gay marriage
Governor declares state holiday to celebrate and announces party to beat up "homos" outside of "fag" bars.
Bill Cosby refutes perceived "groping" of young woman
"I was only demonstrating for her the children's game of 'Duck Duck Goose Goose.'" says Cosby.
Mayor orders forced return to New Orleans
Residents now living in refugee shelters will be shoved onto a Greyhound bus and sent back to their flooded homes "so they can cook gumbo," mayor declares...
Bush Takes Responsibility for Katrina
"I prayed for God to wipe out shiftless sinners, and he heard my prayers."
Pope Passes Replacement Pending
Due to the passing of John Paul II, God is being forced to replace his earthly right hand. There is however, no need to replace the "Devine Sphincter", G.W. Bush still has four more years to serve.
Scientists Explain Near Death Experience
Extensive research leads scientists to believe bright glow described by many to be merely a result ambient light shining through cranial orifices. Suggest ear and nose plugs as remedy
New Pope to receive "Java Ring of the Fisherman"
Vatican's webmaster describes biometric authentication device as an "upgrade" to traditional pontificate symbol of power. "It will protect the new Holy Father against identity theft..."
Bush Bans Christmas
Dyslexic President Bush concerned with keeping the evil Satan at bay has decided to ban Christmas for the remainder of his term.
Mars meteorite confirmed; NASA to sell it on eBay
After NASA's "Opportunity" rover found a meteorite on Mars, the space agency said it would auction the rock to pay for Hubble telescope repairs. "We'll ship it to the buyer directly from Mars..."
Gasoline Up, Shellfish Down
Thanks to Katrina, consumers feeling the sting of higher gas prices can rejoice in lower shellfish prices thanks to a gumbo of raw sewage and oil.
Hollywood Celebrities Have More Than Most.
Now they have fashionable to put it. Prada to introduce Alligator skin colostomy bag in spring line.
Celebrity Arrested For Sexual Indiscretions
1980's country music star Billy Ray Sirus was recently arrested in a red light district in southern LA for looking for love in all the wrong places.
SpongeBob SquarePants refutes gay lifestyle and sinks into seclusion
"I reproduce asexually as I am of the class Hexactinellida. I only have siliceous triaxon spicules that are commonly fused to form a net or box-like pattern. Box. Square. Get it ?!?"
Prescott joins BT in new Parcel Delivery Service
John Prescott joined BT in a bid to counter the Royal Mails telephone service. Prescott the 'Jaba the Hut' lookalike said "initially we will deliver pies".
Pie makers say the pies are at risk.
New Orleans Fratboys, Drunk Chicks Demand Reopening of French Quarter, Blouses
Mayor announces speed-up of recovery in interest of continuing destruction, general lawlessness unabated despite lack of current hurricane
Ted Heath to be New Tory Leader?
"Look how popular Elvis has become since dying." Said Tory leader Michael Howrd. " Death could old Ted's best career move and work wonders for the popularity of the Tories!"
Anakin = Darth... who knew? James Earl Jones requested not to be credited for his voice work of Hayden Christensen's "whiney, effeminate" Darth Vader character in Revenge of the Sith.
NCAA Asks Obscure Division III Teams To Change Names
League suddenly notices non-football-playing schools like Brandeis, NYU, Connecticut College; finds team names insenstive to jurists, botanists, desert transports
Iranian President Elect.....
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was present when both Arch Duke Ferdinand was assasinated in 1914 and JFK in 1963
I was on the Grassy Knoll
A sometimes reliable scource inside the Vatican has revealed startling information regarding the dying words of Pope John Paul II
Google have today launched ........
.....a new Ecclesiastical Toolbar with direct links to The Pope, God, Jesus and the Venerable Bede as welll as other Religious Stars
Reality Show Announced
Fox will offer The Paris Hilton Dating Game. Contestants will field her questions: why date a bubblehead millionaire slut?
The winner will be featured in a sex video with a Paris Hilton look alike.
It has been confirmed that Julia Roberts has been signed by Garry Marshall to star in Runaway Bride II, The Jennifer Wilbanks Story.
Ashley Simpson turns down MTV's Unplugged
MTV was suprised to hear the negative return response to host Ashley Simpson as thier next performer. Ashley's agent declined to comment on what based her discesion.
Okey, she's my best friend Olivia. She's sometimes mean to me in stuff like that. You know what I think it was a month ago okey and she tried to kick me because Luke told her too.
Canada's Hockey players jobs to be outsourced.
In a shocking development. Hockey Canada has decided to outsource future team members to Mexico.
Manchester United Windows Broken
"We've got the Glasers in." Confirms Spokesman.
Deep Throat Coughs Up!
W. Mark Felt today coughed up news that he is "Deep Throat". While eating with his attorney, Mr. Felt choked on his bagel. Using the Heimlich maneuver, his attorney disgorged this news onto the table.
Deep Throat Identified
91 Year old Giraffe tells all
Flock of Seagulls upset over US policy
Members of the 80's pop power group are upset that the US State Department is backing off attempts to confront Iran. "We are missing out on thousands of DJ's playing our one hit" drummer explains
Today's Top Stories
at the funersl service today, Sanra Oconnor described William Rehnquist. to hold the reigns on individuals, O’Connor, a well known bondage freak, lamented the court will miss “Master Rank” for years.
Cruise Outs His Love
"Ever since I met Katie, I've been a Holmosexual," said Cruise.
Scientist's find cure for cancer!
UK scientists have won the battle for cancer as they have created a new drug that targets cancer cells and wipes them. the pill is set to cost around 90 billion and will go on shelves in the year 2013
Magician Saves Woman's Life
After some sort of horrible mishap, a woman who had been sawed completely in half was miraculously put back together again - according to witnesses.
Rumsfield's Identity Briefly Stolen
Donald Rumsfield's identity was returned late Sunday evening after being stolen twenty-four hours earlier. Thief confesses, "The dude's nuts, man... I don't know how even HE stands being him."
hurting for some more
white male finds out what happens when you pick a fight with a man named big'N more as it comes to us
Michael Jackon Sick
Judge brands Singer "sick" during child abuse trial
Peter Pan nabbed for child kidnapping, labour and molestation
Peter Pan, famed for his appearance on children's classic fairy tales, was caught red-handed by the police while breaking in to a school to 'save the children'.
Senate may confirm John Bolton...
Democrats say they'll approve him if he just shaves off that stupid mustache...
New Bin Laden Video Released
...challenges the United States to monkey bars competition against Al Qaeda
Red Alert in U.S. after terrorist threat
A terrorist has sent an email to the White House threatening an "invasion" of the U.S. if it continues to refuse UN WMD inspections. The President vehemently denies the man's so-called "intelligence".
US Deploys Task Force to Assist in UN Career Relief Efforts
President Bush has ordered aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln to the waters off Michael Keaton's career. Recent years have dealt Keaton's career dual blows by Typhoons Jack Frost and First Daughter.
Pakistan test fires first Inter Continental "people" missile
Scientists claim it will help reduce pressure on Airport facilities and provide cheaper air travel for the masses. India promises to respond with its own in 2 days.
Hussein was to pilot 4th 9/11 flight
A pilots' training course certificate and tickets for a flight to Washington on 9/11/01 were found in the lining of one of Saddam Husseins coats. U.S. analysts "aren't surprised".
Bin Laden warrent for fashion misdemeanor recinded
As of 5:59 this morning, the fashion police released Bin Laden on bail for wearing white after Labor Day. "It doesn't matter wether you do or don't wear white after labor day," said Sergent Yowanie.
Schiavo 'will die' - Top Medic
American Medical Assn chief notes that brain-damaged woman will die at some point, soonish, whatever, "so what's the fuss?"
Microsoft to Update Internet Browser
Microsoft announced IE7 on Friday. New features? An updated 'About' dialog box, a new logo, and new features available in every other web browser. CSS has been fixed, but HTML rendering been removed.
Queen Camilla? "Over my dead body" says HM
Her Majesty is said to be "furious" at the news that Camilla will take the title of Queen when Prince Charles succeeds to the throne. "Queen Camilla? Over my dead body," she is reported as saying.
God finally apologises for naming his son after a swear word and for joking with George. "I didn't think he's take me so literally" he said
Chocolate Cures Cancer
In a recent study conducted by doctors in Switzerland, results show that consuming pure swiss chocolate on a regular basis can kill cancer cells in the human body. More to come as this develops.
No care for Cross
LOS ANGELES -- The music industry announced today that it doesn't care if Christopher Cross makes a comeback or not.
Wacko Jacko Forgets Jim jams
Official Wacko Michael Jackson went to court yesterday 2 hours late wearing nothing but his bright pink bunny rabbit boxer shorts. One lawer was quoted saying "wow i have a pair like that"
YORK, England -- Descendants of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater claim Peter had a wife but couldn't eat 'er.
Real name discovered
ATLANTA, Ga. -- In his just released biography, newscaster Wolf Blitzer reveals his real name is Dog.
Old Ventures tank
TOKYO -- Famous 1960s instrumental group The Ventures collapsed on stage while playing one of their signature songs. Each Venture is now over 70.
Irish Record Breaking Robbers Apprehended
The perpetrators of last year's record breaking heist in Northern Ireland have been arrested. They were caught after one of the gang telephoned the Guiness Book of Records and asked to be entered.
New show title
NEW YORK -- Pat Robertson announced that his "700 Club" program is losing money and will change its name to the "600 Club."
Same doc lifted faces
OKLAHOMA -- Rumors continue that actor/director Robert Redford had a facelift by the same doctor that worked on Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger's face.
Schiavo has Pope's Nasal Tube Removed
Michael Schiavo states "this is what the Pope wanted". Vatican legal teams are trying to have the tube reinserted; however, the Pope is not expected to make it through the night.
Rain in Cornwall..........
The sudden rain has sent many holiday goers home without their caravans and tracksuits.
God Snubs Pope - Prior Engagement
God has confirmed he will not attend the Pope's funeral if it clashes with Prince Charles and Mrs Parker-Bowles’ wedding. “Fair’s fair – Karol should have checked the date with me before snuffing it”
Pope Snubs God – Chooses Caribbean
Late Pope John Paul 2nd has decided to spend eternity in the Caribbean instead of Heaven, saying it is “warmer and less old fashioned”. His soul can now be reached on the beach at Barbados.
George W. Bush caught in golf lie
Bush conceals ball drop, critics say it's par for the course.
BBC MUSICAL STORM
The BBC are to make a musical in the next available storm according to the weather centre.
JUDY MILLER TO JOIN FOX NEWS TEAM
According to a source speaking on condition of anonymity, Miller said, "Fox rocks!!"
BUSH TO STAR IN REMAKE OF WIZARD OF OZ
Bush to star as Cowardly Lion, and to take lead vocal in "Follow the Yellowcake Road."
Eggs May Not Be!
Eggs may not actually be eggs claim top scientists in london today, and thats as sure as eggs are eggs!
Randy Moss Fined for Distracting Hair
The NFL, which is still deciding whether to discipline the Viking's wide receiver for his moon dance, slapped him with a $10,000 fine for "hair that creates a distraction to opposing players."
Bruce Willis-Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape Surfaces!11
Only weeks after reps for the two denied that Bruce Willis and Lindsay Lohan were making out at a nightclub, a videotape of them having graphic sex has been found on the set of their new movie.
ROYAL WEDDING WISH WOES
Frantic efforts are being made to find Prince Charles' piece of string in time for today's fairytale wedding.
Butlers & footmen are searching warm, dark places in the hope of retrieving it.
ISNA to Take Action
The International Satirical Newspaper Assocation will take action against association newspapers for being too accurate.
New Pope To Complete The Quartet
Cardinals gathering in Rome for the forthcoming conclave to choose the next pontiff have at least agreed on a name – George Ringo I ‘to carry on from where John Paul left off’
Michael Jackson's Accuser's Mom Breaks Down
Michael Jackson's accusers mom breaks down and tewlls everyone that MJ was like a dad to her kids and she loves him very much!
Blair outlines new anti-terror measures
Tony Blair has today outlined new anti-terror measures which would allow the police to indefinitely detain anyone they suspect of having terrorist links or just being a bit foreign looking.
Not a Nazi, Chomsky Says
Linguist Noam Chomsky has responded to accusations of association with neo-nazis. "I can explain everything," he says, "our cat had earmites so my wife suggested that I contact a veteran aryan."
Britney's Done it again
after alot of speckulation, Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband, if you could call him a husband. (Note 2 Kev: GET A JOB YOU MONEY GUSSLING LEACH, AND LEARN TO SUPPORT YOUR KIDS).
Jocasta Commits Suicide!
Survived by husband and son.
Cardinals Caught Playing Texas Hold 'Em During Conclave
An inside source from the conclave currently in progress to elect a new pope has discovered that the cardinals are simply playing poker.
...this site may slighy misrepresent important news stories and other factual materials.
Big Box Store begins selling big boxes
In a move lauded by literalists worlwide, Costco Wholesale began selling big boxes in the big-box stores late last week.
Jim Morrison Really Isn't Dead!
Haha, just kidding. He is.
Or is he?
INAUGURATION SOMEHOW DOESN'T STOP WAR
PERHAPS UNAWARE OF THE EVENT’S BEAUTY, COST, IRAQI INSURGENTS, U.S. TROOPS KILL EACH OTHER
Woody Allen has change of heart
After years of insecurity and self-doubt, Woody Allen is "feeling pretty proud" and has been seen with his chest puffed out and walking with pride.
Site Sales Soar
ABCDE-Bay.con, "Ghostbusties" devoted exclusively to the sale of haunted bras, announced record sales in the Victoria's Secret catergory this week. Details to follow...
CONDI RICE: SHOPPING FOR WHITE HOUSE
Condi Rice was on Fifth Avenue today buying a heart for Dick Cheney, courage for Donald Rumsfeld, a brain for President Bush, and many pairs of ruby slippers to be sent to American troops in Iraq.
Cold Fusion Confirmed
Researchers at MIT have published results of a 4 year study, confirming that when you place a cup of water in the freezer, the liquid fuses together into a solid. “It’s the Holy Grail of science.”
Prescott on warpath...again
John Prescott is set to lash out again...in Skippy the kangaros direction. In the latest match in the celebrity boxing series, Prescott is said to have accused the kangaroo of being 'too right wing'
Millenialist Cults Angered By Slow Progress in Global Warming ...
Demand increased CO2 emission by industrialized nations so Apocalypse can "hurry up and get here".