There were 88 spoof news snippets published in 2005. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Texas passes constitutional amendment barring gay marriage

Governor declares state holiday to celebrate and announces party to beat up "homos" outside of "fag" bars.

written by Jalapenoman, 09 November 2005
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Bill Cosby refutes perceived "groping" of young woman

"I was only demonstrating for her the children's game of 'Duck Duck Goose Goose.'" says Cosby.

written by ej moore, 24 January 2005
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Mayor orders forced return to New Orleans

Residents now living in refugee shelters will be shoved onto a Greyhound bus and sent back to their flooded homes "so they can cook gumbo," mayor declares...

written by Robin Berger, 18 September 2005
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Bush Takes Responsibility for Katrina

"I prayed for God to wipe out shiftless sinners, and he heard my prayers."

written by ej moore, 14 September 2005
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Pope Passes Replacement Pending

Due to the passing of John Paul II, God is being forced to replace his earthly right hand. There is however, no need to replace the "Devine Sphincter", G.W. Bush still has four more years to serve.

written by Chuck the Canuck, 05 April 2005
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Scientists Explain Near Death Experience

Extensive research leads scientists to believe bright glow described by many to be merely a result ambient light shining through cranial orifices. Suggest ear and nose plugs as remedy

written by Chuck the Canuck, 06 April 2005
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New Pope to receive "Java Ring of the Fisherman"

Vatican's webmaster describes biometric authentication device as an "upgrade" to traditional pontificate symbol of power. "It will protect the new Holy Father against identity theft..."

written by Robin Berger, 04 April 2005
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Bush Bans Christmas

Dyslexic President Bush concerned with keeping the evil Satan at bay has decided to ban Christmas for the remainder of his term.

written by Chuck the Canuck, 06 April 2005
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Mars meteorite confirmed; NASA to sell it on eBay

After NASA's "Opportunity" rover found a meteorite on Mars, the space agency said it would auction the rock to pay for Hubble telescope repairs. "We'll ship it to the buyer directly from Mars..."

written by Robin Berger, 24 January 2005
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Gasoline Up, Shellfish Down

Thanks to Katrina, consumers feeling the sting of higher gas prices can rejoice in lower shellfish prices thanks to a gumbo of raw sewage and oil.

written by Jack Van Gump, 31 August 2005
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Hollywood Celebrities Have More Than Most.

Now they have fashionable to put it. Prada to introduce Alligator skin colostomy bag in spring line.

written by Chuck the Canuck, 06 April 2005
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Celebrity Arrested For Sexual Indiscretions

1980's country music star Billy Ray Sirus was recently arrested in a red light district in southern LA for looking for love in all the wrong places.

written by Chuck the Canuck, 08 April 2005
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SpongeBob SquarePants refutes gay lifestyle and sinks into seclusion

"I reproduce asexually as I am of the class Hexactinellida. I only have siliceous triaxon spicules that are commonly fused to form a net or box-like pattern. Box. Square. Get it ?!?"

written by ej moore, 24 January 2005
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Prescott joins BT in new Parcel Delivery Service

John Prescott joined BT in a bid to counter the Royal Mails telephone service. Prescott the 'Jaba the Hut' lookalike said "initially we will deliver pies".
Pie makers say the pies are at risk.

written by StoneCold-316, 03 February 2005
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New Orleans Fratboys, Drunk Chicks Demand Reopening of French Quarter, Blouses

Mayor announces speed-up of recovery in interest of continuing destruction, general lawlessness unabated despite lack of current hurricane

written by The WB, 15 September 2005
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Ted Heath to be New Tory Leader?

"Look how popular Elvis has become since dying." Said Tory leader Michael Howrd. " Death could old Ted's best career move and work wonders for the popularity of the Tories!"

written by Monochrome, 22 July 2005
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Star Bores

Anakin = Darth... who knew? James Earl Jones requested not to be credited for his voice work of Hayden Christensen's "whiney, effeminate" Darth Vader character in Revenge of the Sith.

written by bkkRon, 23 May 2005
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NCAA Asks Obscure Division III Teams To Change Names

League suddenly notices non-football-playing schools like Brandeis, NYU, Connecticut College; finds team names insenstive to jurists, botanists, desert transports

written by The WB, 20 September 2005
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Iranian President Elect.....

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was present when both Arch Duke Ferdinand was assasinated in 1914 and JFK in 1963

written by Bertram Chapley, 01 July 2005
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I was on the Grassy Knoll

A sometimes reliable scource inside the Vatican has revealed startling information regarding the dying words of Pope John Paul II

written by Blunder_Down_Under, 09 April 2005
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Google have today launched ........

.....a new Ecclesiastical Toolbar with direct links to The Pope, God, Jesus and the Venerable Bede as welll as other Religious Stars

written by Bertram Chapley, 23 August 2005
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Reality Show Announced

Fox will offer The Paris Hilton Dating Game. Contestants will field her questions: why date a bubblehead millionaire slut?
The winner will be featured in a sex video with a Paris Hilton look alike.

written by Woody Pulps, 26 December 2005
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Jennifer Wilbanks

It has been confirmed that Julia Roberts has been signed by Garry Marshall to star in Runaway Bride II, The Jennifer Wilbanks Story.

written by f_dawson, 02 May 2005
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Ashley Simpson turns down MTV's Unplugged

MTV was suprised to hear the negative return response to host Ashley Simpson as thier next performer. Ashley's agent declined to comment on what based her discesion.

written by Kyle Emall, 28 January 2005
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Olivia

Okey, she's my best friend Olivia. She's sometimes mean to me in stuff like that. You know what I think it was a month ago okey and she tried to kick me because Luke told her too.

written by Mercedes, 21 May 2005
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Canada's Hockey players jobs to be outsourced.

In a shocking development. Hockey Canada has decided to outsource future team members to Mexico.

written by Cooker, 02 September 2005
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Manchester United Windows Broken

"We've got the Glasers in." Confirms Spokesman.

written by Monochrome, 26 May 2005
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Deep Throat Coughs Up!

W. Mark Felt today coughed up news that he is "Deep Throat". While eating with his attorney, Mr. Felt choked on his bagel. Using the Heimlich maneuver, his attorney disgorged this news onto the table.

written by f_dawson, 31 May 2005
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Deep Throat Identified

91 Year old Giraffe tells all

written by Bill Huffman, 31 May 2005
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Flock of Seagulls upset over US policy

Members of the 80's pop power group are upset that the US State Department is backing off attempts to confront Iran. "We are missing out on thousands of DJ's playing our one hit" drummer explains

written by Charlie Van Horn, 05 February 2005
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Today's Top Stories

at the funersl service today, Sanra Oconnor described William Rehnquist. to hold the reigns on individuals, O’Connor, a well known bondage freak, lamented the court will miss “Master Rank” for years.

written by Rickman, 08 September 2005
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Cruise Outs His Love

"Ever since I met Katie, I've been a Holmosexual," said Cruise.

written by Shirley Knott, 05 June 2005
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Scientist's find cure for cancer!

UK scientists have won the battle for cancer as they have created a new drug that targets cancer cells and wipes them. the pill is set to cost around 90 billion and will go on shelves in the year 2013

written by Neo, 07 June 2005
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Magician Saves Woman's Life

After some sort of horrible mishap, a woman who had been sawed completely in half was miraculously put back together again - according to witnesses.

written by Shawn Parks, 11 June 2005
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Rumsfield's Identity Briefly Stolen

Donald Rumsfield's identity was returned late Sunday evening after being stolen twenty-four hours earlier. Thief confesses, "The dude's nuts, man... I don't know how even HE stands being him."

written by Rob Norman, 19 June 2005
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hurting for some more

white male finds out what happens when you pick a fight with a man named big'N more as it comes to us

written by numbah_one_fan, 22 June 2005
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Michael Jackon Sick

Judge brands Singer "sick" during child abuse trial

written by The Liberator, 16 February 2005
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Peter Pan nabbed for child kidnapping, labour and molestation

Peter Pan, famed for his appearance on children's classic fairy tales, was caught red-handed by the police while breaking in to a school to 'save the children'.

written by ryms, 17 February 2005
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Senate may confirm John Bolton...

Democrats say they'll approve him if he just shaves off that stupid mustache...

written by JJ Alan, 24 June 2005
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New Bin Laden Video Released

...challenges the United States to monkey bars competition against Al Qaeda

written by JJ Alan, 26 June 2005
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Red Alert in U.S. after terrorist threat

A terrorist has sent an email to the White House threatening an "invasion" of the U.S. if it continues to refuse UN WMD inspections. The President vehemently denies the man's so-called "intelligence".

written by cthomson, 28 June 2005
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US Deploys Task Force to Assist in UN Career Relief Efforts

President Bush has ordered aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln to the waters off Michael Keaton's career. Recent years have dealt Keaton's career dual blows by Typhoons Jack Frost and First Daughter.

written by Dan Szematowicz, 03 March 2005
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Pakistan test fires first Inter Continental "people" missile

Scientists claim it will help reduce pressure on Airport facilities and provide cheaper air travel for the masses. India promises to respond with its own in 2 days.

written by MenInGreen, 04 March 2005
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Hussein was to pilot 4th 9/11 flight

A pilots' training course certificate and tickets for a flight to Washington on 9/11/01 were found in the lining of one of Saddam Husseins coats. U.S. analysts "aren't surprised".

written by cthomson, 29 June 2005
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Bin Laden warrent for fashion misdemeanor recinded

As of 5:59 this morning, the fashion police released Bin Laden on bail for wearing white after Labor Day. "It doesn't matter wether you do or don't wear white after labor day," said Sergent Yowanie.

written by Leilani kalani hokalani, 06 July 2005
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Schiavo 'will die' - Top Medic

American Medical Assn chief notes that brain-damaged woman will die at some point, soonish, whatever, "so what's the fuss?"

written by thetowell, 21 March 2005
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Microsoft to Update Internet Browser

Microsoft announced IE7 on Friday. New features? An updated 'About' dialog box, a new logo, and new features available in every other web browser. CSS has been fixed, but HTML rendering been removed.

written by Fortyseven, 22 March 2005
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Queen Camilla? "Over my dead body" says HM

Her Majesty is said to be "furious" at the news that Camilla will take the title of Queen when Prince Charles succeeds to the throne. "Queen Camilla? Over my dead body," she is reported as saying.

written by NickMitchell, 22 March 2005
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God's Apology

God finally apologises for naming his son after a swear word and for joking with George. "I didn't think he's take me so literally" he said

written by Floater, 07 October 2005
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Chocolate Cures Cancer

In a recent study conducted by doctors in Switzerland, results show that consuming pure swiss chocolate on a regular basis can kill cancer cells in the human body. More to come as this develops.

written by Pedro DePacas, 23 March 2005
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No care for Cross

LOS ANGELES -- The music industry announced today that it doesn't care if Christopher Cross makes a comeback or not.

written by Frank Cotolo, 11 October 2005
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Wacko Jacko Forgets Jim jams

Official Wacko Michael Jackson went to court yesterday 2 hours late wearing nothing but his bright pink bunny rabbit boxer shorts. One lawer was quoted saying "wow i have a pair like that"

written by Adam Jones, 26 March 2005
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Peter surprise

YORK, England -- Descendants of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater claim Peter had a wife but couldn't eat 'er.

written by Frank Cotolo, 11 October 2005
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Real name discovered

ATLANTA, Ga. -- In his just released biography, newscaster Wolf Blitzer reveals his real name is Dog.

written by Frank Cotolo, 11 October 2005
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Old Ventures tank

TOKYO -- Famous 1960s instrumental group The Ventures collapsed on stage while playing one of their signature songs. Each Venture is now over 70.

written by Frank Cotolo, 11 October 2005
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Irish Record Breaking Robbers Apprehended

The perpetrators of last year's record breaking heist in Northern Ireland have been arrested. They were caught after one of the gang telephoned the Guiness Book of Records and asked to be entered.

written by Sir Charles Cheese-Cake, 28 March 2005
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New show title

NEW YORK -- Pat Robertson announced that his "700 Club" program is losing money and will change its name to the "600 Club."

written by Frank Cotolo, 14 October 2005
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Same doc lifted faces

OKLAHOMA -- Rumors continue that actor/director Robert Redford had a facelift by the same doctor that worked on Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger's face.

written by Frank Cotolo, 14 October 2005
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Schiavo has Pope's Nasal Tube Removed

Michael Schiavo states "this is what the Pope wanted". Vatican legal teams are trying to have the tube reinserted; however, the Pope is not expected to make it through the night.

written by Eloquent Prattle, 02 April 2005
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Rain in Cornwall..........

The sudden rain has sent many holiday goers home without their caravans and tracksuits.

written by Ben (in UK too long), 19 October 2005
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God Snubs Pope - Prior Engagement

God has confirmed he will not attend the Pope's funeral if it clashes with Prince Charles and Mrs Parker-Bowles’ wedding. “Fair’s fair – Karol should have checked the date with me before snuffing it”

written by Alistair D, 04 April 2005
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Pope Snubs God – Chooses Caribbean

Late Pope John Paul 2nd has decided to spend eternity in the Caribbean instead of Heaven, saying it is “warmer and less old fashioned”. His soul can now be reached on the beach at Barbados.

written by Alistair D, 04 April 2005
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George W. Bush caught in golf lie

Bush conceals ball drop, critics say it's par for the course.

written by Shirley Knott, 26 July 2005
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BBC MUSICAL STORM

The BBC are to make a musical in the next available storm according to the weather centre.

written by Paul Lamb, 08 January 2005
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JUDY MILLER TO JOIN FOX NEWS TEAM

According to a source speaking on condition of anonymity, Miller said, "Fox rocks!!"

written by Shirley Knott, 24 October 2005
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BUSH TO STAR IN REMAKE OF WIZARD OF OZ

Bush to star as Cowardly Lion, and to take lead vocal in "Follow the Yellowcake Road."

written by Shirley Knott, 24 October 2005
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Eggs May Not Be!

Eggs may not actually be eggs claim top scientists in london today, and thats as sure as eggs are eggs!

written by Phillie Joe Marshall, 06 April 2005
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Randy Moss Fined for Distracting Hair

The NFL, which is still deciding whether to discipline the Viking's wide receiver for his moon dance, slapped him with a $10,000 fine for "hair that creates a distraction to opposing players."

written by Phil Maggitti, 11 January 2005
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Bruce Willis-Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape Surfaces!11

Only weeks after reps for the two denied that Bruce Willis and Lindsay Lohan were making out at a nightclub, a videotape of them having graphic sex has been found on the set of their new movie.

written by AD2005, 06 April 2005
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ROYAL WEDDING WISH WOES

Frantic efforts are being made to find Prince Charles' piece of string in time for today's fairytale wedding.
Butlers & footmen are searching warm, dark places in the hope of retrieving it.

written by Dogooder Dave, 09 April 2005
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ISNA to Take Action

The International Satirical Newspaper Assocation will take action against association newspapers for being too accurate.

written by Dominus Noster, 10 August 2005
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New Pope To Complete The Quartet

Cardinals gathering in Rome for the forthcoming conclave to choose the next pontiff have at least agreed on a name – George Ringo I ‘to carry on from where John Paul left off’

written by Alistair D, 13 April 2005
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Michael Jackson's Accuser's Mom Breaks Down

Michael Jackson's accusers mom breaks down and tewlls everyone that MJ was like a dad to her kids and she loves him very much!

written by MJNewsOnline, 14 April 2005
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Blair outlines new anti-terror measures

Tony Blair has today outlined new anti-terror measures which would allow the police to indefinitely detain anyone they suspect of having terrorist links or just being a bit foreign looking.

written by Tom Mallard, 09 November 2005
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Not a Nazi, Chomsky Says

Linguist Noam Chomsky has responded to accusations of association with neo-nazis. "I can explain everything," he says, "our cat had earmites so my wife suggested that I contact a veteran aryan."

written by Select Distinct, 11 November 2005
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Britney's Done it again

after alot of speckulation, Britney Spears has filed for divorce from her husband, if you could call him a husband. (Note 2 Kev: GET A JOB YOU MONEY GUSSLING LEACH, AND LEARN TO SUPPORT YOUR KIDS).

written by Fallen Angel, 14 November 2005
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Jocasta Commits Suicide!

Survived by husband and son.

written by Moby, 13 August 2005
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Cardinals Caught Playing Texas Hold 'Em During Conclave

An inside source from the conclave currently in progress to elect a new pope has discovered that the cardinals are simply playing poker.

written by Vardy, 18 April 2005
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Sources say...

...this site may slighy misrepresent important news stories and other factual materials.

written by Moby, 13 August 2005
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Big Box Store begins selling big boxes

In a move lauded by literalists worlwide, Costco Wholesale began selling big boxes in the big-box stores late last week.

written by Vardy, 18 April 2005
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Jim Morrison Really Isn't Dead!

Haha, just kidding. He is.

Or is he?

written by Moby, 13 August 2005
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INAUGURATION SOMEHOW DOESN'T STOP WAR

PERHAPS UNAWARE OF THE EVENT’S BEAUTY, COST, IRAQI INSURGENTS, U.S. TROOPS KILL EACH OTHER

written by Jerome Halligan, 23 January 2005
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Woody Allen has change of heart

After years of insecurity and self-doubt, Woody Allen is "feeling pretty proud" and has been seen with his chest puffed out and walking with pride.

written by Vardy, 19 April 2005
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Site Sales Soar

ABCDE-Bay.con, "Ghostbusties" devoted exclusively to the sale of haunted bras, announced record sales in the Victoria's Secret catergory this week. Details to follow...

written by Thistleberry, 23 January 2005
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CONDI RICE: SHOPPING FOR WHITE HOUSE

Condi Rice was on Fifth Avenue today buying a heart for Dick Cheney, courage for Donald Rumsfeld, a brain for President Bush, and many pairs of ruby slippers to be sent to American troops in Iraq.

written by Shirley Knott, 27 November 2005
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Cold Fusion Confirmed

Researchers at MIT have published results of a 4 year study, confirming that when you place a cup of water in the freezer, the liquid fuses together into a solid. “It’s the Holy Grail of science.”

written by Alistair D, 20 April 2005
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Prescott on warpath...again

John Prescott is set to lash out again...in Skippy the kangaros direction. In the latest match in the celebrity boxing series, Prescott is said to have accused the kangaroo of being 'too right wing'

written by Nick Carr, 04 December 2005
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Millenialist Cults Angered By Slow Progress in Global Warming ...

Demand increased CO2 emission by industrialized nations so Apocalypse can "hurry up and get here".

written by Jerry Cornelium, 26 January 2005
« 2004 2005 2006 »
January
9
snippets
February
4
snippets
March
8
snippets
April
19
snippets
May
6
snippets
June
9
snippets
July
4
snippets
August
6
snippets
September
6
snippets
October
10
snippets
November
5
snippets
December
2
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