Spoof news snippets from 2009
There were 19,568 spoof news snippets published in 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin Speaks Out!
Puts bumper sticker on her Suburban reading "My daughter is faster than your honor student." She probably didn't think that through too well.
Madonna Tells Press Alex Rodriguez has 12" Penis
"See, they don't call him A Rod for nothing." Madonna tells reporters, "Though his balls are tiny and he has a hairy back."
Madonna Tests Positive For Steroids
The pop star reportedly blamed it on Alex Rodriguez's "secret sauce"
Michael Jackson Dead
NAMBLA observes moment of silence
Michael Jackson Dies of Heart Attack
In other news, NAMBLA is searching for a new spokesman
Jackson's Death Rocks Business World
Lojack© Corporation says it will discontinue its Lojack For Kids© program
Jackson's Death: Oh Ye of Little Faith
Estimates show that as many as 23% of atheists now report a belief in a higher power
King of Pop Dead
Children all over Iran heard to be chanting "Allah Akbar"
Authorities Discover Incomplete, "Disturbing" Jackson Family Photobook
Police decline to comment on the pictures of Jackson with his children, except to say that the working title was "Hop on Pop"
Michael Jackson Busted!
Pays ultimate price in a cosmic episode of "To Catch a Predator"
Michael Jackson's Death Leaves Aftershocks
CEO of Fox Broadcasting Company announces they will be canceling their newest reality program, "Touched by a Jackson"
Psychologists Say Jackson Misunderstood Golden Rule
Jesus did not mean that he should do to little boys what he would like them to do to him.
Sarah Palin's Consignment Shop Changes Name
Out of the Closet owner Ellen Arvold changes store name to Second Run, "We needed to change our name to protect our identity- we are in the business of selling vintage clothing-not snake oil."
Grim Reaper Tries To Make Ammends
His press secretary says to make up for the death of Farrah Fawcett, he decided to take out two scourges on society:Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays.
Michael Jackson Autopsy Shockers
Officials say they literally found the little boy in Jackson. Not sure how he got there, doctors estimate the young child asphyxiated inside the pop star at some point in the 80's
Governor Sarah Palin Resigns
In response to her functional illiteracy becoming public knowledge, Palin steps down. Governor's press secretary disputes this, saying she is resigning "cause Jesus told her to"
Michael Jackson Rocks Google!
The site reports that since his death, web searches for "dead pedophile" have gone up over 130,000%.
Glenn Beck shocker
Tells the world he has a "deep seated hatred" of intelligent people.
Fox News is Number 1!
Among people with extreme mental deficiencies.
Flynt, Francis request injection of federal money
With the American economy gone limp, sex drive in the United States has also decreased. Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have requested $5 billion to supplement flaccid DVD sales.
Joe Wilson "Obama IS dithering, I looked it up!"
"dithering heights has always been one of my favorite books, too."
Writing on Wall for M & S
Finance gurus claim they saw the writing on the wall for Marks & Spencer belt-tightening the day when they started charging 5 pence for a previously free carrier bag to carry their overpriced tat.
BBC plans for their new Dr. Who to be a female suffered a setback yesterday when it was discovered that number one choice Jade Goody has a snatch that's actually bigger than the inside of the Tardis.
Bea Arthur died of swine flu?
After learning more about the disease, Bea Arthur's family admits fib about cancer. Said they were afraid people would assume she had been intimate with a pig.
Two Jags warned by Doctors
Porcine Labour MP for Kingston-on Pies, John 'Two Shags' Prescott, who was recently told by doctors to lose four stones of belly fat or die, today lost four stones.
Puss in Boots?
Celebrity fashion designer Jimmy Choo-Choo comes under fire from feminists for his new line of men's footwear made from the vulvas of female African sloths: They fit like a glove and never wear out.
Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean sign movie deal
Will remake "Where the Heart Is." Prejean plays Novalee Nation, 17, abandoned by boyfriend. She moves into a Wall Mart, gives birth there, becomes media darling, is taken in by Sister Husband (Palin).
The classic boardgame gets a modern twist. New "Chance" card reads, "Congratulations! You've just won 8 Oscars!" at which point you lose; communities are leveled and all properties returned to bank.
Now that's using your common cents...
San Francisco homeless man selling pennies by the pound as scrap copper. Since no one takes large numbers of pennies anymore, he says its easier, and he gets more money that way in today's economy.
Dolls Hit Top Xmas Toys for 2008
The hit list of top toys for Christmas 2008 were the Barbie and Ken Bondage set followed a close second by the Mrs. Beasley's Abortion Clinic.
Now THAT'S a lot of hot air
Rush Limbaugh admitted to Hanging Chad Memorial Hospital in Pepticolon, Florida with 2nd degree burns on lips and tongue.
Susan Boyle to be fleeced of armpit locks, to be auctioned off for Jade Goody Reality Star Fund. Also up for grabs: The gigantic beige doily and white heels worn on Britain's Got Talent appearance.
Lots of surprises for Susan Boyle who, upon meeting Ann Coulter for the first time, reportedly said, "Gol', she's a scary lookin' one, ain't she?"
Plan revealed to secretly raise Bristol Palin's baby, later tossing her into Mount Redoubt's fiery calderon in attempt to appease fire gods and stop Alaskan permafrost from melting.
Not so paranoid, after all
Conspiracy theorist shocked to find it was all an elaborate hoax to make him THINK there was a conspiracy.
That explains everything...
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hospitalized after injury in collapse while inspecting damage at Cowboys practice stadium. Surgeons discover he has primitive 3-chambered reptilian heart.
Craigslits gets the hits
New Internet site craigslits.com reporting mega-traffic and exponential subscription increases after Craigslist decides to drop "erotic" services.
Swine Flu Epidemic Traced to Fabled Chupacabra
Ramon Payaso of El Campamento, Mexico sighted beast 3 weeks ago. While inspecting its porcine victims, he exposed himself to swine flu virus, now believed to have originated in the chupacabra.
TheSpoof.com writer goes Green!
First, he recycles The Onion, passing off their spoof stories as his own work. He then recycles the newspaper a second time, using it to line his birdcage!
Stumped, adolescent Pinocchio asks Gepetto why he keeps getting stiff in his "private area." Gepetto not surprised - has noticed the boy sniffing Figaro and Cleo a lot lately.
Boy, Are Our Faces Red
Dozens of protesters arrive in Fargo, North Dakota to find the "big dike" they were after is actually a giant flood barrier being constructed to protect downtown area from flooding Red River.
Ann Coulter as Friend to Environment/Politics?
Sending the Ice Queen to Italy-Switzerland border might refreeze glaciers thawed by global warming, making planned redrawing of political boundary unnecessary.
Three Little Pigs Dead
Production halted at Grand Rapids, MI company after 3 swine found dead of human flu virus. Families of pigs will be provided for by Arnold Ziffel Foundation, founded by Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1971.
A Little Too Late...
George W. Bush kicked in the head while re-shoeing a horse. Now reportedly able to solve complex mathematical equations, etc. in his head.
Current Event Horizon
While ingesting large quantities of matter at lunch today, Rush Limbaugh attained critical mass, collapsing in on himself to become a black hole. Physicists predict a right spin of -1 for the object.
Honesty not always best policy...
Prompted by, "Are you at least 18?" while visiting adult website, Dylan, 17, clicks on "No," causing local Providence, KY mainframe to crash, followed by electrical grid. 280,000 still without power.
That would have been a horse of a different color
Experts on lighting and photography prove photo of Michael Phelps shooting up on cover of British tabloid is a fake. Kell Logg products still too high in sugar.
"Pitchman" Sullivan Child Labor Scandal
His infomercial features Ima Lourde, West Palm Beach, FL, who makes good on claim that Swivel Sweeping 3000 is "so easy a child can use it." Arrested on child labor charges involving the device.
"Will Work For Weed"
Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps, having lost celebrity endorsement contracts, seen walking the streets in tattered clothes with a cup for change and this pathetic message scrawled on cardboard.
Remember When You Were a Little Kid and Used to Blow Bubbles?
Well, he's in town looking for you.
There Go His Legal Briefs
Lawyer checking into hotel on Times Square has to chase down homeless man who broke into his suitcase and ran off with an armload of underpants.
"Phew! I needed that!"
President Obama briskly brushed past secret service agents today, toward main White House kitchen, where he entered a walk-in refrigerator. Faint sounds of screaming emerged for several minutes.
"Nobody asked me what I thought..."
The Almighty, Omnipotent Creator says he thought Miss California's breasts were "just fine the way I made them." Personally, I think she could use a little more junk in the trunk, too.
Swine Flu Hits "Pop" Charts
In light of recent swine flu epidemic, rock band Primus orders recall on "Pork Soda" CD's back to 1993. Warns fans that, keep listening and "[Your] Name Is Mudd."
Article printed by The Garlic Press last week contained passage stating "Paris Hilton is a real bitch." Was supposed to read "Perez Hilton is a real bitch." We apologize for the error.
Burger spokesman Jack returns after a phony accident has him hospitalized for several commercials as once great advertising department flounders, grasping at hack formulae and recycling oldies.
Top 10 Stupid Human Tricks
Regina Lasko, David Letterman's bride, nearly backed out on wedding day because he wouldn't quit doing that thing where he pulls on alternate sides of his tuxedo to make his tie go back and forth.
Just A "Red Herring"
Bruce Willis may have married Emma Herring, but he really wanted Lindsay Lohan. Oh, well. Maybe next time.
Just Tired of the Bickering
Psychologist suspects pilot of plane that crashed, killing 3 vacationing families and himself, may have meant to. He noted the irony of a plane crashing in a cemetery in the vast emptiness of Montana.
Sign of the Times
Man arrested for panhandling in front of a Wall*Mart. He was carrying a sign on which he had scrawled, "PlEEz hElp fiHgt ilitAreAcy.
Ice Age kicks in?
The current January deep freeze has got Global Warming nuts squawking like there's no tomorrow. They now claim our atmospheric CO2 discharge cutbacks have gone too far and kicked off another Ice Age.
Jade Goody Visits TheSpoof.com
"What's all this, then?" she asked. "'Jade Goody to Wed Elephant Man's Remains?' 'Marilyn Manson Offers $20,000 to Sniff Jade Goody's Panties?' Come on, don't you people have anything better to do?"
Scared the sh*t outta me, too!
After having no luck keeping crows out of his cornfield with regular scarecrow, man successfully mounts image of Ann Coulter atop scarecrow's pole (huh, huh).
Misanthrope, or Miss Arthropod?
Ann Coulter reportedly descends upon Barack Obama, wraps him in spun silken threads, and flees with him to the outskirts of Washington, D.C.
Economic Crunch Hits Jokes About Economic Crunch
In view of the deepening crisis, top economic advisors warned American consumers that we can no longer afford to laugh about the economy. Americans were too poor to pay attention.
Sorry for the delay
This snippet should have been posted last week, but I was "slapped into next week," so I have to publish it now. Unfortunately, that took so long to explain, I still can't share it with you.
"No Left Turns"
Though it costs him over $1000 a year extra in gasoline, Rush Limbaugh will only make turns to the right when driving. However, it is reported he turns to the left when receiving a prostate exam.
Bank of Sockland
As the Bank of England cuts public banking interest rates to the lowest point in its 315 year history, people are withdrawing their savings and keeping them under the bed in a sock where they're safe.
Snippet writer, or just a name dropper?
Spoof writer publishes breaking news snippet just to use clever name for ex-smoker. "I don't see what the big deal is," said Nicoretta Jones nervously. "It's just a name."
Susan Boyle is really Mickey Dolenz says Davy Jones
Pint-sized former teen popstar Davy Jones angrily outed Susan Boyle as Mickey Dolenz on the Larry King Show. Davy said "It's a stunt for Mickey's latest album- no-one believes me cos I'm short"
Bush Shoots Dick Cheney In Face
...at Bush's Prairie Chapel Ranch near Crawford, TX. Bush was trying to scare a squirrel and shot into some shrubbery, behind which Cheney was trying to cop a squat.
"We were using rectal thermometers"
Right-wing media figures apologize for misleading reports on falseness of global warming. They say rectal thermometers used to compile data led to mistaken assessments.
Christians Point Out Fire and Brimstone In Iceland
Native Icelanders say it's just volcanic and geothermal activity, not an apocalyptic punishment for electing openly lesbian Johanna Sigurdadottir Prime Minister, as the Christians have suggested.
Man Gets Parking Ticket on Google Maps
Jay Walker had just dropped down to street level and started exploring a neighborhood when he was called away. Leaving hastily, he returned nearly 4 hours later to find a parking ticket on his desk.
Bush holding Republican yard sale
To raise revenue and offset record deficits, Bush will sell items including his Dr. Seuss collection, Schwartzeneggar action figures, and a slinky that's been down every staircase in the White House.
At least his breath is fresh...
Hit hard by economy, a San Francisco valet survives 2 months on breath mints and chewing gum pilfered from clients' automobiles.
"Inflate to 45 lbs."
While trying to pull on a heel that was nearly a size too small, Angelina Jolie loses grip, giving herself a rather nasty fat lip. Friends say they "could hardly tell the difference."
Mickey D's introduces the "Mad Mac"
Not to be outdone, Mickey D's introduces a cheesed-off cheeseburger featuring livid lettuce, pissed-off peppers, provoked pickles, outraged onions. Available with furious french fries and cross cola.
Spoof Writer Changing Name to Jade Goody
"And not the name I publish spoof stories under, either, just in case that's what you're thinking. I'm going to change my REAL name."
Bud Builds Better Bodies
Advocates for the legalization of marijuana considering Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps for an ad campaign in the spirit of the classic "Milk It Does A Body Good" promos.
"Cash" Quits Geico
The actor, popularized for playing "the money you could be saving with Geico," said the commercial spots were stupid, he never got any lines, and he would rather be "spending himself" (masturbating).
Valet Beats Taxi Driver Senseless With Umbrella
"...which wasn't hard to do, since nobody with any sense drives like that, and my umbrella is pretty solid," said the valet as he was escorted away in cuffs.
Proposed name for new brand of adhesive bandages marketed towards Palestinians injured by heavy Israeli fire.
"Big 3" execs eagerly awaiting W-2's
CEO's and top-level managers short on cash are hoping to e-file returns and have them direct deposited as soon as the documents arrive.
Al Franken wins by a hair
...because he's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggonit, barely more than half of Minnesota's voters like him more than Norm Coleman.
Global Warming "Nuts" Respond to U.K. Deep Freeze Snippet
Massive amounts of fresh water from melting glaciers flowing into the Atlantic, being less dense than saltwater, have begun to interfere with the Atlantic Conveyer. We hate to say we told you so.
George W. Bush approval rating on the rise
With "Dubya" no longer president, opinion polls indicate people's feelings about Bush beginning slow, inexorable climb back to "moderate disdain" and "mild nausea."
"Stock Car" being developed
Several Wall Street brokers have invested in research and development of a automobile that will be powered solely by wild fluctuations in the stock market.
New Reality Series - "American Idle"
The latest in a long line of reality TV shows, this one will focus on the struggles of 20 contestants to evade weekly elimination rounds as they compete for a job.
Superbowl Ads Not So Super This Year
Ads will reflect "somber mood" of America caused by economic decline. Commercials featuring anti-depressant medications expected to be big hits.
Norm Coleman orders 300 copies of "Counting for Dummies"
He will distribute the books from the popular series to Minnesotan vote counters when he contests results from the senatorial recount and demands yet another.
Bush Snubbed In Lunchroom
At 1st meeting of presidents since 1981, Bush not allowed to sit at lunch table with "popular kids" Clinton, Bush Sr., Carter and President-elect Obama because his approval ratings were too low.
Extra Protection for Barack Obama
With politicians that possess integrity having recently been added to the "endangered species" list, President-elect Obama will be afforded the highest level security of any President in U.S. history.
Shrodinger's Cat Up For Adoption
Physicists have decided to give up their feline friend, who's behavior is "unpredictable." They hope they can find one of the many worlds in which he might be happier.
If the shoe fits, you must acquit...
When prosecutors pointed out Lana Clarkson purchased 8 pairs of shoes the day of her "suicide," Phil Spector asked, "Did you see her feet? Seeing all those size 14's probably drove her over the edge."
All's Fair In Love and Price Wars
San Francisco valet runs ACE Parking out of business by circulating flyers suggesting ACE is an acronym for Automotive Collision Experts.
Man sets world record by solving popular 80's puzzler in 38 seconds using nothing more than his genitalia.
Obama names Miley Cyrus Secretary of War
The perky teen sensation will soon have everyone far too busy dancing, singing and "rocking out" to busy themselves with waging war. Like, how cool is that?
That magic ingredient?
A man sat in a car in a Newcastle, NSW lay-by was approached by police and caught masturbating with his erect member stuck into a jar of spaghetti sauce. So that's the secret Italian ingredient. Ugh!
Kiev : minus 7 Celsius
Russia revises its 'Hell can freeze over' stance towards supplying gas to the Ukraine after Kiev froze over. It now states it can get a lot colder or Kiev pays its outstanding mega-bucks gas bill.
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