North Korea vows nuclear response to U.S. - Seoul gay pride parade and planned 'Secret Santa'

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Saturday, 24 July 2010


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North Korea's controversial "cure" for homosexuality.

North Korea warned Saturday that it will respond with "powerful nuclear deterrence" to joint U.S. and South Korean military gay pride parade and picnic recently announced for soldiers stationed throughout South Korea. The online dating service, bathhouses and 'speed date' parties are poised to begin this weekend, and North Korea insists that official authorization of happy gay aand lesbian soldiers is a provocation that cannot be ignored.

North Korea routinely threatens war when South Korea and the U.S. soldiers hold hands, which Pyongyang sees as a rehearsal for a gay 'infiltration' of the North. Their official position has always been that proximity breeds friendship, dating and sex, all of which North Korea has spent decades stamping out of all but heterosexual married couples, and even they are restricted to government mandated once-a-week missionary position 'quickies'.

This latest nuclear threat comes amid increased tensions on the peninsula over the deadly sinking of a South Korean warship that Pyongyang blames on Washington and Washington blames on the Klingon Empire.

Current relations are further strained by ongoing US nighttime air drops over North Korea containing silk stockings, candy bars, Happy Meals, shiny beads, medical supplies, Macy's gift cards and assorted pornographic magazines. The pornographic content spans the gamut of gay, straight, bi, bdsm and dwarf fetishism but the Macy's gift cards expire in December.

The allies' defense chiefs announced earlier in the week they would cccontinue to permit gay dating and air drops to send a vaguely confusing message to North Korea to stop its "aggressive" behavior. Said behavior exemplified by the March sinking of the Cheonan, in which forty-six South Korean sailors were killed.

That sinking is considered the worst military attack on the South since the 1950-53 Korean War.

Captain Pierce, Klinger, Radar and 'Hot Lips' Houlihsn were all unsvailable for coment.

North Korea vehemently denies any involvement and says any retalitory 'naughtiness' would trigger war.

On Saturday, North Korea's powerful National Defense Commission - headed by leader Kim Jong Il - backed that threat up by promising a "retaliatory sacred war" against South Korea and the U.S. for what it called a second "unpardonable" provocation by scheduling a gay pride parade and picnic within yards of the heavily patroled border.

Invitations to the picnic were included in many of the nighttime airdrops over North Korea, and pundits speculate that those elegant, embossed gay-friendly invitations may have been the proverbial "straw" that led to the current nuclear threat.

"The army and people of the (North) will legitimately counter with their powerful nuclear deterrence the largest-ever openly gay pride parade and festivities," the commission said in a statement carried by the country's official Korean Central News Agency.

A month earlier in Hanoi, a North Korean spokesman for the delegation attending a regional security conference warned that the US military's reversal on DADT would eventualy draw a "physical response" from Pyongyang.

"Pyongyang has no problem with what hedonistic Americans do in their own homes, whether it be gay romance or eating Hershey bars, but insists that those doors be locked and completed closeted from the 'national purity' that North Korea has attained."

Gay-friendly US and South Korean military personnel are going ahead with plans for aa Halloween costumr gala, Secret Santa and the addition of gay pride beads to the airdrop packages.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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