Vacationing Iran scientist Shahram Amiri free to leave, says US: mixed signals from CIA and other tourguides confuse the issue

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

image for Vacationing Iran scientist Shahram Amiri free to leave, says US: mixed signals from CIA and other tourguides confuse the issue
CIA Tour America airline hostess cheerfully serves international vacationers.

The US insists that a missing Iranian nuclear scientist who has turned up in the country is there vacationing, the year delay caused by a wrong turn at the Universal Studios Tour, and is ready to leave.

The state department rejected claims by Tehran that Shahram Amiri, who turned up unshaven and loaded down with Disneyland paraphernalia in a Pakistani embassy building at three a.m., had been abducted by US agents.

He said in the first statement that he had been kidnapped by US and Saudi agents, in the second that he was the only illegal immigrant living freely in Arizona, and in the third that he had escaped from his captors' clutches during the Batman ride at Universal.

He was unable to produce a ticket stub or souvenir to back up the latter.

Late Monday evening, he arrived at the curry stand that doubles as the Iranian Interests Section of the Pakistani embassy in Washington, which apparently also handles Iranian vacationers in the US.

Iranian media say Mr Amiri had worked as a researcher at a university in Tehran, but CIA reports say he worked for the country's atomic energy organisation and had in-depth knowledge of several recipes wanted by top CIA officials' wives.

The Iranian Interests Section is in an anonymous curry stand two blocks from the Pentagon and displays no flags or symbols but does offer half price falafel on Tuesdays.

One curry fan was willing to speak to reporters.

"Well, I'm in line at the curry stand's handy PortaPotty. A man tells me he's Iranian and asks what's going on. He tells me that he's a controversial Iranian scientist and just had an extremely satisfying bowel movement, and may be heading back to Iran.

"He's crazy," the bystander concludes. "It's half price Tuesday, for Christ's sake"

At the time of his disappearance, Amiri was thought to be on a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia. CIA officials insist he simply boarded the wrong flight and ended up at a Dodgers' game instead of an Arabian mosque.

US TV network ABC reported in March that he had defected and was helping the CIA by revealing valuable information about the Iranian nuclear programme.

But earlier this month, Tehran said it had proof that Mr Amiri was being held in the US and forced to listen to Justin Bieber songs for 360 consecutive days.

The long-term damage inflicted by Justin Bieber music is only now being studied by concerned scientists.

Official State department liar PJ Crowley denied this, saying: "He has been vacationing in the United States of his own free will, and provided with a wide variety of pop music, and obviously he is free to go."

"In fact, he was scheduled to travel to Iran yesterday, but was unable to make all of the necessary sightseeing stop-over arrangements to reach Iran through transit countries."

The BBC's Kim Ghattas in Washington says there are no direct flights from the US to Iran and the two countries have no diplomatic ties, but do share a common distaste for Justin Bieber.

BBC added that Ghattas adds that Mr Crowley added that Mr Amiri had informed American authorities that he wished to leave the US - which seems to confirm that American officials have been in touch with him, at least between the Beiber CDs and/or the various Universal Studios attractions.

Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki told reporters at a news conference that Mr Amiri had been kidnapped during the Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca and taken to the US against his will.

He said Mr Amiri should be allowed to return home "without any obstacle, adding that no man should be forced to suffer Justin Bieber for more than two days, let alone a full year."

Iran officials are researching UN laws concerning torture and crimes against humanity to find the alleged Bieber subpassage.

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said Mr Amiri was free to go, and highlighted the case of three young dark suited Americans vacationing in Iran since July 2009 and mistakenly accused of illegally entering the country.

"In contrast, Iran continues to hold three innocent young Americans against their will, and we reiterate our request that they be released and allowed to return to their families on a humanitarian basis.

"Their desks at Langley remain just as they left them, and the plants need watering" she implored.

Mrs Clinton also mentioned the case of Robert Levinson, a former FBI agent who apparently went vacationing in Iran in 2007 without informing his wife he would miss dinner.

His wife would not comment except to say that the lambchops were now decidedly cold.

Reports that she has taken a keen interest in yoga and disappeared with her young, fit instructor are vehemently denied by official sources.

What any of the above deflections have to do with Shahram Amiri remains unclear and Justin Bieber continues to deny any wrongdoing in the release of his various CDs.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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