World Leaders Unite Against Root Cause of Terror

Funny story written by David David

Friday, 28 November 2008

image for World Leaders Unite Against Root Cause of Terror
This young man smokes his last Cuban before being cryogenically frozen in the world's anti-terrorism Operation Deep Freeze

Testosterone, Italy - At a hastily arranged global summit in the wake of mounting terrorist activities, world leaders today announced a unified plan of action to combat the root cause of terrorism.

Barack Obama, the American President-elect, spoke on behalf of the world leaders. "It's time to reign in terror," proclaimed Mr Obama. "Many have tried and all have failed. But that's because of emotional knee-jerk reactions on a case-by-case basis."

Obama, known for his aloof, academic approach continued, "But this time we've put our heads together and listened to the rational and logical evidence provided by scientists on the issue. And we've come up with a plan."

Chief science advisor to the Testosterone summit delegates, Dr Professor No Itall then explained the science behind the coordinated plan to combat terror.

"We analysed anti-social data from all over the world since time began," explained Dr No. "The one common denominator that kept on appearing was that nearly all the perpetrators of uncondoned violence tend to be young men."

Dr No gave some examples. "Who's doing the recent terrorist activities in Mumbai? Young men. Who are the suicide bombers? Young men. Who's terrorising London's Notting Hill Carnival? Young men. Who are the child soldiers of Africa? Young men. Who are the Somali pirates? Young men. Who's bringing Thailand to its knees? Young men. Who are the world's prisons filled with? Young men. Need I go on?"

Barack Obama then explained how the above scientific findings led to a policy breakthrough and united the world leaders behind a single coordinated plan.

"Clearly young men are the problem the world over. So the solution has to focus on young men and we've found that solution," proclaimed Mr Obama, in rhythmic tones reminiscent of the Reverend Wright.

Mr Obama disclosed that many proposals were put forth and debated at the global summit. "Both Arabs and Israelis were united in proposing that we resurrect King Herod's law and kill all the first-born male infants."

"I want to personally thank both Israel and Egypt," said Obama, "for their willingness to sacrifice their only Olympic bronze medallist for this greater good."

Obama added that Germany, Austria and the World Health Organisation suggested chemical castration. Thailand went even further and proposed world-wide replication of their renowned Ladyboy clinics.

"But at the end of the day, all world leaders agreed to the final solution," announced Obama. "Cryogenics. Beginning next month, all boys and others with a Y chromosome will be frozen in liquid nitrogen from the age of 12 to the age of 30."

Human rights group, Boys Don't Cryo, have challenged the world leaders' plan. BDC spokesperson, Frosty Scrotum said the group's worldwide peaceful demonstrations have descended into mayhem and random violence.

"They're not bad boys; they're just letting off a little steam," protested Mr Scrotum whilst receiving emergency medical treatment for an abdominal stab wound.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has backed the cryogenics plan adopted at the Testosterone summit.

"Imagine a world without a single young man aged 12 - 30 in it. We can ride the London night buses again without getting stabbed or puked on and the same goes for the Notting Hill Carnival," stated Brown.

"And from the economic standpoint, think of all the money we'll save not having to give them allowances or ASBOs or sending them to prison for all those felonies. Happy days are here again!"

The anti-youth terrorist cryogenics plan has even won over the tribal leaders in Somalia. "We shouldn't even honour them with the name 'pirate' said Somali warlord Dalmar Erasto. "They think they can keep all that ransom money for themselves. Go ahead and freeze their little black balls off. We'll deal with their other parts when they wake up."

US President-elect Obama defended the young men's cryogenic plan as non-partisan. "The fact that I have daughters and that former Democratic Presidents Clinton and Carter have daughters has nothing to do with it. A smirking Obama added, "Although we are testing the Bush girls for Y chromosomes just in case."

Obama concluded, "I may have campaigned on change, but old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time."

Operation Deep Freeze is set to commence as soon as enough liquid nitrogen can be produced and the round up of young men worldwide is completed. Parents of young women age 12 - 30 are advised to smear lamb's blood on their doorways starting next month.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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