Written by Global Citizen

Saturday, 2 June 2007

The cold war days are back, yet again. Both for the superpower status and for the super-backward status.

Global media in its hype have focused much on the insignificant new missile test of Russia, which as per Russia, would help it maintain the balance of power for next forty years with the technical capability of this missile to strike targets irrespective of missile shields that the U.S. proposes for Eastern European states, much to the dismay of the Kremlin.

'That can at best be termed as limping back of old cold war rhetoric and actions in global super power status, whereas the real escalation is in global backward super power category; and fortunately nothing much has yet been said on that yet' said Hanif Mohammed, a veteran of 40-years in Global Institute of Backwardness in Kabul, Afghanistan.

'In its usual superficial reports, what mainstream global media have missed is another round of dangerous escalation in cold war. It involves the undisputed global leader India as it increasingly gets concerned by the rapid rise in backwardness by a host of potential challengers for the global backward superpower status. Foremost in that list of challengers is Iraq, followed by Afghanistan and Darfur' said Mr. Mohammed. He also added: 'My sources tell me Indian government is keeping a close eye on developments in all these backward regions, getting hourly reports on domestic deaths and casualties there to match with Indian figures; and any shortfalls are quickly met'.

The International Think Tank and Research Center dedicated to monitor Global Backward Superpower Status, based in Myanmar, was the first to point out this dangerous escalation in its yearly report released yesterday. It compared the Gujjar-Meena conflict in Rajasthan (the western Indian state where the Thar desert is) where scores have died (last report 25 killed) similar to the Shia-Sunni conflict of Iraq; and further stated that both India and Iraq seems to be in no mood to be 2nd to none in promoting sectarian violence within its land.

Confirming the escalation, a Strategic Cell within India's Prime Minister's Office (PMO) that works closely with Empowered Group of Cabinet-Ministers (EGOM) and state-chief ministers, known popularly as Central Imbecile Agency (CIA) called Iraq's ambassador in New Delhi to warn him about India's growing concerns on Iraq's competitive gains in the field of managing and escalating civil war.

India, however after a temporary lull in its various religion-based, terrorism-based, and caste-based conflicts and casualties is catching up fast, sources closed to the PMO office said.

A spokesman of CIA, confirming the development, confirmed following to the media:

'India has maintained its undisputed competitive advantages in global backwardness since the 1970-s, thereby having the longest monopoly of backward superpower status in history. Many vested interests wanted to write us off by comparing us with other hyped-up backward stories; but time and again, we have proved that China, other nations in BRIC, or even Sub-Saharan Africa is no match to our superior socio-economic and military influence in global backwardness. India, as a responsible democratic liberal backward nation, have used her backward influence in fostering backwardness in all of South Asia, in neighboring Bangladesh, Pakistan, Nepal, Bhutan, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, and even in Afghanistan, which now poses a challenge to our supremacy. We want this whole region to grow and share our fruits of success in global backwardness.'

A cabinet minister from Rajasthan, while commenting on the issue, said: 'India after watching the developments in sectarian violence in Iraq for last couple of years could no longer take its leadership position for granted. The Iraqi ambassador was called, and was informed categorically that Iraq must not move backward so fast; it must respect India's internal violence related deaths, where India has a competitive advantage and leadership position for years; and Iraq must therefore refrain in scoring high casualties in various Shia-Sunni conflicts which can have long term backwardness implications for the world's largest democracy'.

The Prime Minister himself declined to comment on the development. However a closed member of his cabinet informed 'Indian Government has observed closely the last couple of years sectarian-violence of Iraq, which can potentially disown India from its unique position as observed by our Honorable Supreme Court (SC) when it stated: ''It has also to be noted that nowhere else in the world do castes, classes or communities queue up for the sake of gaining the backward status. Nowhere else in the world is there competition to assert backwardness and then to claim we are more backward than you.' Although global opinion is that Shia-Sunni fight in Iraq is to have more control over governance and oil-assets, which may not be in direct conflict with our objective of backwardness; however looking at the end results, we are concerned. We in India look at the results than the policies or actions. We have, historically, never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity to develop and be a truly progressive developed country. And we would maintain that untarnished image of free, liberal, democratic backward India at any costs.'

The latest round of full-blown caste-war in Rajasthan is viewed from that angle by Moqtada al-Sadr, leader of Iraq's Mehdi army. A media-shy person; he informed CCN correspondent in Iraq that he has received messages from Iraqi ambassador in New Delhi; and suitable response to India's conspiracy would be displayed in streets of Baghdad soon. 'Jaipur-Delhi highway is nothing compared to what we have in the streets of Baghdad' - that's the best one-liner that the CCN correspondent could get from al-Sadr. Allied forces have increased their vigilance over streets in Baghdad post the development.

TheSpoof research shows that the Iraqis have been an endangered species in Iraq since last couple of years. What have come up in its place is Sunni Iraqis, Shia-Iraqis, Kurds; even within Sunnis there are Pro-and-anti Al-Qaeda Iraqis, then there are tribals; within Shias there are groups for al-Sadr and groups against al-Sadr. Similarly in India, Indians are another endangered species. However endangered species can be hunted down with rewards by influential people in India, which has further endangered these people to the point of extinction. What India has now is Meena-Gujjars-Jats-Yadavs-Thakurs...endless list on top of religion, language and other diversities. In India, people don't cast their votes; they rather vote their castes.

And though Indian government has time and again shown apathy to protect its wonderful heritage buildings of rich historical diversity; it has not only resisted any attempts by endangered Indians to bury the caste-system, but government has rather aided the caste-driven conflicts by increasing that competition to assert backwardness, as the SC observed.

The Meena-Gujjar conflict is because the Gujjars demand that they have been cheated on the assurance of the state government before election to make them as backward as Meena's are. And the last line is not from TheSpoof.com sources.

It's another matter that promises made by Indian politicians and policy-makers feature regularly in the best stories section in TheSpoof. However Gujjars felt that they are not contributing to Indian backwardness as much as Meenas are doing by virtue of their postings in backward government with their backward status to keep the country backward.

Contributed by correspondents of TheSpoof in New Delhi, Baghdad, Kabul, Naypyidaw and Darfur.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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