Pope Francis was caught yesterday afternoon by a gaggle of his best nuns using a crucifix-shaped vibrating dildo … but no one will say where on his body, and they have been sworn to secrecy.
As the Pope stuttered out a reply, someone said that he heard someone else say that he said, “It’s holy. I was using it as a holy instrument to … ah, to make sure my entire body was holy enough … just in case, you know, like, Jesus comes back today or something and says I’m not holy enough. It’s like a magic wand for holiness … one that vibrates … for His pleasure.”
The Pope could not fully explain what the half dozen cardinals were doing in the confessional with him (it’s a BIG little closet for lots of BIG sins to hear and make the Pope … make himself extra holy with his magic wand), though some have speculated that the men in red were helping the Pontiff “find his happy place as he begged for more and more and deeper and deeper holiness, Oh Fucking God, YES!”
The recording that caught the Pope’s voice on tape is now classified and buried in the Vatican City vaults … just like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
