As Pope Francis was taking a shit and jerking off to old pictures of Macaulay Culkin and various boy band promo photos, this reporter snuck into the royal papal outhouse to ask the pontiff about his July visit to Canada.
He would be going there because he was forced to feel guilty about the atrocities committed by Franciscan and Dominican priests and nuns against Indigenous children through the residential school system.
“When a priest rapes a child, gets the child pregnant, then throws the baby into a furnace or buries it in an unmarked grave ... what goes through your mind?” I asked Francis as farts cracked out of his asshole while he continued pumping his saliva-greased cock and salivating over wrinkled and stained photo pages from Teen Beat Magazine.
“Oh, I feel sooooo bad! I mean, those poor kids. Taken from their homes, beaten and raped by Catholic men and women of God, some of them murdered, and the Canadian Mounties still not surrounding those residential schools with crime scene tape to find even more bodies. Thank God Prime Minster Trudeau is a Catholic – no full and complete separation of church and state. I mean, wow, they don’t even know how many bodies there are – those priests and nuns of mine were busy! And I bet some of those kids were real, real, real cute!”
I am proud to report that I vomited into the lap of the Pope before sprinting away to safety, the Swiss Guard hot on my heels.
Enjoy your Papal visit in July, Canada. Ain’t kinda like Hitler visiting Israel to show how sorry he is for the Holocaust?
