HOBART, AUSTRALIA: Port Arthur Gunman Martin Bryant says he is “likely” to stand in the next Victorian election following the recent return to office of fellow gun enthusiast Daniel Andrews. Mr Bryant said that Andrews’ re-election demonstrated that voters are crying out for representatives with experience in arranging the shooting of unarmed members of the public.
Bryant said that rather than just being a carbon copy of Mr Andrews, he offered a distinct alternative. “I’m the kind of guy who likes to get his own hands dirty rather than just delegating brutality to the police,” Mr Bryant said. The convicted felon also pointed out that he is an equal opportunity shooter, firing at anything that moves, whereas Mr Andrews limits his attacks to those who publicly criticise his government.
Bryant has moved to boost his credentials with voters by signing his prison cell up to China’s Belt and Road scheme, and plans to further increase his popularity by having an independent corruption investigation confirm his involvement in fraud, forgery and theft of public finances.
One complication to Mr Bryant’s ambitions will be the fact that he is currently incarcerated in Risdon Maximum Security Prison. He plans to get around the problem by introducing a creeping assumption that his cell will be guarded by inept private contractors rather than professional guards, and he will soon be able to simply walk out the front door.
