CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA: Leading members of Australia’s Liberal Party have expressed concern over party leader Peter Dutton’s prospects of becoming prime minister given his lack of a suitably wanky nickname for the media to use when referring to him. Dutton’s nickname, ‘Mr Potato Head’, is not seen as having the same appeal as inane monikers like ‘Scomo’, ‘Albo’ or ‘Kevin07’ among barely literate idiots, a key electoral demographic.
“Look, Mr Potato Head’s a great guy with a track record of getting things done,” Shadow Foreign Minister Simon ‘Brummie’ Birmingham said. “But politics has changed. Having substance just doesn’t cut it anymore. If you want to get anywhere in the twenty-first century, it’s absolutely vital to have a nickname that screams ‘insufferable tossbag’.”
Victorian Opposition Leader Matty G concurred. “In the past, back when I went by the name Matthew Guy, I was even less popular than an unhinged megalomaniac. I look back at those years now and wonder what I was thinking. But since rebranding I actually have a chance at becoming premier later this year.”
But not everyone in the party is so worried. Shadow Minister for Climate Change ‘Big Ted’ O’Brien believes that there are ways around the problem. “It’s true that things aren’t looking so great right now. If an election was held tomorrow, we’d struggle to beat The Kat In The Hat. But there’s three years until the next vote, which is plenty of time to come up with a new nickname for Pete. And if we can’t think of one, he could always just have the word ‘WANKER’ tattooed across his forehead. During the election campaign I noticed someone had added the word to his picture on a few of his posters, and I thought it looked quite good. It was subtle, but you still got the message.”
Prime Minister Albo said he was aware of speculation that Mr Dutton may try to adopt a wankier nickname and had set up a taskforce to monitor developments on that front. “I’ve briefed Plibby and Shorts about the threat posed by a new nickname, and they assure me that they’re ready to counter any attempt to make the Opposition Leader look like even more of a condescending arsehole than he already does. We’re calling it Operation ScuttleDutt.”
“See what we’re up against?” Brummie moaned. “Plibby...ScuttleDutt...how are we supposed to compete with world class nonsense like that?”
