Not again! Holy fuck, Europe, will you please stop!
The world got sucked into two of your major wars, plus a few smaller hellish nightmares … when we you people move? You’re becoming neighbors who won’t turn down your radios after ten o’clock – make it nine so we can all get some sleep.
Russia invades Ukraine, and some other European countries thinks this looks like such good fun that they want some war too. This isn’t football! Azerbaijan is having a go at Armenia. Will the Balkan states try again and have a 12-way battle to see who can grab as much land when there isn’t enough to go around?
That’s it: the UN and other national governing bodies have decided that all peoples of the continent of Europe have to move somewhere else.
Canada is a good choice since they have so much land – but there is talk of putting the Israelis at one end of Canada and the Palestinians at another and if they want to kill each other, they can’t take planes, trains or automobile, they have to walk. It’s cold, especially to people who never see snow, and there are polar bears!
Wherever there’s a lot of land, Europeans will be forced to move (don’t like being forced? But that’s half your history – all of you!). Australia, the Gobi Desert, deep in the pit of the Grand Canyon – and you can’t come back up to the surface for a few hundred years … much of Africa (but you can’t enslave anyone … or you might get enslaved, see how you like it), and there are several garbage islands currently floating around the Pacific Ocean. These should be able to take much of the population of smaller Euro states. Vatican City alone can fit on a tiny slice of Garbage Island #23, and that includes the Swiss Guard.
Speaking of: Switzerland, you will be forced to move to Papua New Guinea, but you can’t take your money with you. (How many Nazi bank accounts do they still control?)
There are the Greeks and Macedonians (and Greeks and Turks) who will have to be separated for a long time, maybe forever. Britain and Ireland … time out for both of ya! The British will have to move to the interior of Saudi Arabia (damn that is hot! No Mr. Whippy there! You think it’s hot in summer now, with maybe the Thames drying up in a few years? The Saud is so hot they don’t even have rivers, lakes, streams – only hot tubs! Men only! Hairy bulls preferred … but they’re not gay … so they say) And the Irish will be moved to somewhere inside the Brazilian Amazon jungle. Your new Book of Kells must refer to the Aztec, Inca and Mayan. Start writing!
How many other rivalries in Europe? Too many to count, but none of your old enemies will even be close to you to have a nice old-fashioned fight. There are new enemies to hate! The Brits will have a war or two with Pilipino nannies hired by the Royal Sauds (you’re gonna have to protest that royal family now, or love them, doesn’t matter either way, have fun, don’t drink beer or you’ll get your hands or head cut off). And the Irish will have a donnybrook or two with native Amazonian tribes – they don’t have guns, but they do have weird poisons from tree frogs that’ll make you feel groovy just before you die).
Let this be a warning to the rest of Europe and its haters. Which enemy would you like to fight for the next millennia? Be careful who you wish for. All of you are getting a time-out! And we’re telling your parents what you did!
