The religious community has been in a state of uproar since the news this week that God has come out as transgender. We should clarify that we are referring to Yahweh/Jehovah, the God of the Israelites, as portrayed in the old and New Testaments, and not to any god of some other religion. There has been some confusion over this distinction on social media, resulting in false rumors that one of the Buddhas was going to change his sex.
In an exclusive interview, we were able to get an extraordinarily candid statement from the Creator:
“I just haven’t felt proud of being a man lately. Maleness has been a toxic thing for a long time and I’m just over it. A lot of people don’t know it, but let me tell you, that Moses guy was a real pig. Why do you think I didn't let him go to the promised land?
“I wanted to indulge my nurturing side. Being female allows me to do that. My consciousness has evolved over the years. I’ve changed with the times like everybody else. If I had it all to do again, I’d probably do the whole crucifixion thing differently. I could never kill my son today. That blood sacrifice thing went out a long time ago. Just like hunting lions or whatever. Today, I’d probably pick him off the cross and suckle him.
“None of this should be a surprise to anyone who’s familiar with the Old Testament. If you’ve read Numbers, Deuteronomy, all that old stuff, you’ll know I’ve been indulging my feminine side for centuries. I’m always talking about how I gave birth to Israel, how I “carried” the Israelites and nursed them with my breast. Did you think all that stuff was just some metaphor? I took it all very seriously. For years I swung back and forth. But I got tired of leading a double life. The feminine side just won out.
“Being God can be a drag sometimes. It makes dating problematic. People only want to know about the God thing; they don’t see you as a regular simple entity like everybody else. I haven’t dated a human in a long time. I’ve been dating beings from other universes. Some of those other planets haven’t even heard of me. It’s a refreshing thing, really.
“Look, I didn’t just come up with this yesterday, you know? I’ve been mulling it over for the past four thousand years. It’s something that’s been on my mind a long time. I first got the idea from the Greeks a long time ago.”
The news of God’s transition has met with a mixed response from the world’s religious leaders. In India, the news was shrugged off by Hindu leader Rajan Zed, who said, “I don’t see what the big deal is. Our gods have been changing gender for centuries.”
From now on, God will be referred to as Goddess.