Russian President Vladimir Putin announced his intention Monday "to punish every country on earth which makes it difficult to drink Russian vodka" following news that retailers around the world had pulled the spirits from their shelves as part of an expanding list of boycotted Russian exports.
He signaled plans to send 10,000 peacekeepers to each offending country in turn, starting clockwise from Germany, in order to establish safe drinking areas for vodka lovers.
Putin asserted "it is an inalienable right of every man, woman and child to stumble in the cold while guzzling a 2-litre bottle of vodka concealed in a brown paper bag."
Share prices of Russian vodka makers jumped 15% on the news.
