Zombie International Guide to Gastronomical Fine Brain Dining

Funny story written by rfreed

Sunday, 20 February 2022

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Having a hard time finding good fare in the U.S. with our obesity problem? Get your bad zombie self out of the country for truly international munchies. Here is our guide for the discriminating zombie who doesn’t want to ingest just anybody! For those with more refined palates here are our recommendations, all agreed with by Michelin's!

French brains- Very high in cholesterol, but delicious. Be sure to serve with a fine red wine and smelly, oozing cheese.

Japanese brains- Highly developed, somewhat lean, fishy smell due to a largely seafood diet. Forget using chopsticks, just use fingers……and teeth…..

Dutch brains- Rotted through from over drug use. Take penicillin with meal. WARNING! Recommend cooking to avoid diseases (Yes, me know- that is very un-zombie like!)

Italian- Well drenched in olive oil. In keeping with local custom, serve with pasta.

Chinese- Crunchy, but you are always hungry an hour later.

British- Bland tasting like their cuisine, not really worth eating unless soaked in curry.
Otherwise wash down with ale to give it some taste.

German- Robust but fatty; tends to be tough to chew. Biggest brains in Europe!

Russian- Brains heavily calcified due to centuries of brain-washing. Long shelf life due to being well pickled in vodka.

Australian- Hard to catch and tough to chew. Not a highly populated country. A zombie could starve to a second death here.

Turkish- Tastes and smells like goat.

Israeli- Tough and hard to choose, but have great advantage of being automatically kosher.

Romanian- Excellent flavor, but dangerous to eat in Transylvania area as, although dead, they might still try to bite you back.

Irish- Somewhat soft, but bland. Much better when marinated in Guiness first.

Indian- Skinny and stringy due to vegetarian diet. Not worth chasing after.

Mexican- Delicious! Naturally spiced!

European brain cuisine demands a fine wine, but do not take Hannibal Lector’s advice and eat it with fava beans and chianti. Europeans are naturally cultured like a good cheese. Eat them with any rodents that happen to be scampering by.

Comments from readers of Zombie International Guide:

“Me like Norwegian brains! Eat frozen like ice cream!” - Bruce, former Gynecologist.

“Scottish brains best. Eat with stomach like haggi’s! Yum!!!” - Brooke, former hairdresser.


“Go South Africa for brains. Much white and dark meat there!” - Ulrike, former tour guide.

“Me like Philippines! People short, easy to catch!” - James, former Catholic Bishop.

“”New Zealand great! Brains have hints of seafood, sheep and kiwi’s!” Jonathan, zombie from birth.


Do you have a hard time getting to those brains that you crave so much? Get one of our oversized nut-crackers that we have on sale now! Going for only $35 each or two for $50! What a crackin’ good deal! Get an extra one for the zombie in your life…..er….death!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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