The rumbling of one's back passage, culminating in a succession of loud, stinking farts, are often the sign that a large bowel movement is on its way, and when one man experienced the above, this morning, he decided to wait until he got to work to 'open the torpedo hatch', in order to avoid blocking his own toilet.
Moys Kenwood, 57, is what is known as a 'Big Shitter', and for good reason.
Plumbers hate him, and have refused to attend 'emergencies' at his home.
"I knew a dreadnought was coming, and reasoned that, if somebody's toilet had to be blocked, it wasn't going to be mine!"
Kenwood nipped his cheeks in, and sallied forth to work on the back of his wife's motorbike, each bump in the road edging the payload closer to his 'bomb doors'.
Reaching his destination, he straight-leg-sprinted to the children's toilets, and, unseen by the cleaners, gratefully slapped his arse down on the tiny plastic seat - just in time!
With eyes pressed tightly shut, and a fist wedged between his teeth to guarantee silence, Kenwood produced a monster shit that will live long in the memory of the child who eventually found it.
He then stole away quietly, and congratulated himself on saving a wad of cash on yet another hefty plumber's bill.