Guatemala’s Two Top Drug Cartels Are In a Big Drug War

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 6 July 2020

image for Guatemala’s Two Top Drug Cartels Are In a Big Drug War
Guatemalan soldiers captured this case of drug money from a member of the Tapachula Hombres Drug Cartel.

ANTIGUA, Guatemala – The Cartel Drug War down in Guatemala has turned into a ruthless, inhumane, and downright stressful situation.

The two main factions are the Tapachula Hombres, headed by ex-attorney, Gomer Ixtantan, who is one of the best lawyers in Central America, and the fairly new upstart cartel, the Huehuetenango Mayan Machos, which is led by ex-matador, Marco Zacapalero.

The two groups initially started out by shooting out the windows of each group’s offices. But now they have begun getting more vicious, and are kidnapping each other’s pets.

Drug lord, Gomer Ixtantan, is very upset that the HMM’s kidnapped his favorite pet bull, Tony Toro.

The Tapachula Hombres retaliated by kidnapping Zacapalero’s 101-year-old great-grandmother, Betty Jennifer “Dimples” Churros.

She was immediately released, however, after they found out that she was suffering from an uncontrolled bladder condition.

Meanwhile, the Guatemalan Cartel War will continue until only one faction controls the illegal marijuana, banana, and tongue depressor industry, which brings in billions of dollars annually.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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