Expert Denounces US and UK Leaders as Coronavirus Crisis Continues

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Thursday, 7 May 2020

image for Expert Denounces US and UK Leaders as Coronavirus Crisis Continues
"a stuffed effigy, or a bloated bladder": Bojo Cops it! Prince Ferdinand, yesterday

The USA and the UK are leading the world in terms of an unwanted statistic: the number of coronavirus deaths.

And in the wake of this, the leaders of both great nations have come under the searching scrutiny of a leading expert, who has exposed the flaws in their leadership in a devastating attack.

Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, for it is he, who lived from 1785-1851, is a well-renowned exponent of critical diatribes. Not for nothing is he known in critical circles as The Friedhof am Glockenberg Firebrand, for he is buried in the ducal mausoleum at Friedhof am Glockenberg, and it is from there that he casts a baleful eye and looks askance at many aspects of modern culture. Having been a Cavalry General in the Austrian Imperial and Royal armies during the Napoleonic Wars, Ferdinand views the world from what is very much a unique perspective these days.

In his latest critical broadside, Prince Ferdinand spoke from the ducal mausoleum at Friedhof am Glockenberg, yesterday.

On the President of the United States of America, he says: "Donald Trump is an egomaniacal would-be dictator whose ambitions are fuelled by terminal narcissism and what can only be described as the ingrown personality of a giant spoiled child who has never been properly disciplined or had to test his mettle on the battlefields of Bohemia. If he had spent his youth on horseback wielding a sabre amid the horrors of Leipzig, rather than counting his father's money whilst sucking at the withered paps of his aging mother, then the world might have been spared the crushing weight of his monumental and dangerous idiocies during a global pandemic.

"I can see that, and I died in 1851. What is wrong with the American people? Perhaps their leader is but an expression of their infantile decadence and unfitness for survival, like the sour farts of a dying epicure."

Neither does Boris Johnson escape the wrath of Prince Ferdinand, who says of the UK Prime Minister: "My stomach lurches and my heart sinks to behold the nation of Wellington and Nelson sink so low. Rather than raise themselves to face the new world order and to meet steel with steel, the British, mentally, have retreated into fantasy and nostalgia for the days of long-gone empire and war, and physically and economically they have become not a Nation of Shopkeepers but a country of cowards, gluttons and gamblers. Their society is falling apart and they are now mere plankton, to be devoured by the New Behemoths sweeping the unfathomed oceans of this 21st century.

"Into this milieu staggers Mr Johnson, the perfect man to preside over the rotting carcase of the British Empire. He is as perfect an example of a charlatan, a scoundrel and an inveterate liar and blaggard as I have ever seen. And I spent the best part of my life in the Austrian Army, so I know what I am talking about.

"Johnson is an opportunist whose only object is self-aggrandisement: so long as his name is in the histories, he is happy, and the nation can go hang. Devoid of principle, or any original thought whatsoever, he has tricked his way to power. He has emerged from the cossetting halls of Eton and Oxford with an unconquerable sense of his own entitlement. His voters might look in vain to Johnson for leadership during a turbulent age; they would be as well appealing to a stuffed effigy, or a bloated bladder.

"His campaigns in 2016 reminded me of the antics of a mountebank, spinning falsehoods to sell his fake nostrums to those who can ill-afford even to purchase them, never mind suffer the consequences of swallowing what they have bought . We lynched these blackguards wherever we found them in the Danube Valley.

"I can see what Boris Johnson is, and I have been dead since 1851. That the British people have been duped so easily is surely their ultimate indictment. They always were a low, philistine people, but they were capable of great things when properly led. That is all finished, it would appear.

"I can tell you one thing, looking at these fools and idiots who are making a right arse of everything these days: I'm bloody glad I died in 1851, I really am."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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