Man Can't Seem To Get Rid Of Phlegm From His Chest

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 29 December 2019

image for Man Can't Seem To Get Rid Of Phlegm From His Chest
A gobbing pot designed specifically for the purpose of collecting phlegm

A man who has been suffering from some kind of virulent Asian 'flu for more than three weeks now, has admitted that, despite taking various medicines to lower the fever, provide pain relief, and to loosen the breathing-restrictive matter on his lungs, he just can't seem to shake the snotty, green phlegm from his chest that would help him to stop coughing like a maniac.

Moys Kenwood, 56, who may not make 57, first contracted the illness during the early part of December, has experienced raging headaches, eyeache, earache, toothache, chest pains, spasmodic pain throughout his upper body, and a complete loss of appetite and energy, along with his choking cough.

A visit to the hospital on Christmas Day ended in a two-night stay under observation, and only ended when he made it clear to staff that he would not be able to meet the cost of a third night. Staff smiled and said:

"Goodbye, Mr. Cheapskate."

Now back at home, he has installed a makeshift spittoon next to his bed, into which he deposits the tiny amounts of lime green gunge he manages to wrestle from his lungs.

This is accompanied by the sound of something like a sewer full of tramps trying to clear their throats.

Kenwood's wife said:

"He's not very well."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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