Following the September 14 attack on Saudi Arabia’s Aramco refineries, America promptly blamed Iran for the attack. “It’s an Act of War on US interests,” declared the world’s greatest sanction-slapper, President Donald Trump. “Oil is always a US interest, and so by an Executive Order, I have inducted Saudi Arabia into the United States of America, as our 51st state. Puerto Rico will have to wait in the wings until they behave properly when facing a cyclone.”
There was no immediate public reaction from the Saudi kingdom. In backroom diplomatic chat, the Saudis voiced concern that their oil-backed independence might be compromised. However, Mr Trump pointed out the unique benefits of Saudi Arabia being the 51st American state.
1. As the 51st US state, the ragged Houthi rebels will think twice of unleashing their drone air-force on Saudi oil fields for fear of overwhelming retaliation. The new US Statehood will also serve as a warning to Iran that a US military response to any misadventure will include barrel bombs (of oil), as well as threatening speeches by Mr Pompeo, Mr Pence and Fox News.
2. As a US state, Washington will have uninterrupted access to the Saudi multi-billion $$ oil reserves, thus ensuring a ready market for the Kingdom. The news caused petrol prices to tumble to a mere 10c a gallon at the pump, causing unprecedented chaos across America.
3. As a US state, the President assured the 34 million people of Saudi Arabia that they will enjoy the democratic process of voting Republican in the 2020 election, thereby ensuring a second term for their candidate Mr Trump.
4. As a US state, Mr Trump also declared that thousands of American troops in Saudi Arabia will now feel quite at home in the oil-rich desert region. As additional proof, Mt Trump also declared that the 1000 US troops in Syria will be withdrawn and brought home, to Saudi Arabia.
Mr Trump declared that all these measures will boost the US economy. Millions of dollars will be logistically saved by not transporting troops back to North America. Low petrol prices will give the American people the incentive to hit the road to the polling booths without worrying about the cost.
He also assured all American weapon manufacturers that their profits will soar as the new US state will be committed to buy their war planes, tanks and guns, thus eliminating all the sneaky military-aid suppliers such as France, Italy, Spain, the United Kingdom, Germany and Greenland. “We have a captive market, locked and loaded,” chortled the Commander-in-Chief.
A few days later, the President was chuffed and informed the media on the White House lawns that America wouldn’t have been so prosperous and great if he hadn’t torn up the Nuclear Agreement with Iran. That decision alone led to statehood for Saudi Arabia. He also announced the appointment of Mike Pompeo as the new Governor and War Ambassador at Riyadh.
When pressed for a response, Mr Pompeo spluttered, “Oil’s well that ends well.”