Today Canadian officials sheepishly admitted to a plot to take over the United States by slowly causing Americans' health to fail. Knowing the state of American healthcare, the idea was to overload the system with bad backs, knees and ankles.
How? Simple, sell Americans a product called simply 'Canadian Formica'.
"Canadian Formica per inch is one of the heaviest man made products ever created without lead being added," said an FBI operative on condition of anonymity, "A simple 3 by 6 table can weigh as much as 400 pounds. The Canucks invented it back in the 1970s, then introduced it as an export-only product via Home Depot. Naturally, we were suspicious."
"The Canadian plan was a simple and long-term one," said the FBI. "They knew the American Healthcare system was a shambles, and not likely to improve much. They figured by flooding the U.S. market with cheap but extremely heavy home improvement products, they could bring the American healthcare system to its knees with a flood of back, knee and ankle injuries."
"Insidious!" shouted Joe Biden from the campaign trail this week in Iowa, "The Canadians are especially sneaky! And this is exactly why we need somebody in the White House who understands the importance of our intelligence apparatus in the FBI and CIA!"
Canadian Officials have so far denied the allegations, claiming there was no such plot, and, in fact, they love the United States as much as ever, even with Donald Trump in the Oval Office.