President Donald Trump this afternoon used his position as Commander-in-Chief to order the issue of 3 million rakes to all US service personnel, including the National Guard.
Trump explained "I was talking last week to the Queen of Australia, Angela Merkel. She's a very, very clever person, very clever person, and a woman I believe, and she told me that in Australia they rake everything and have reduced the number of fire storms by half." CNN reporter Ivor Whitehouse-Parse interrupted the President and pointed out that Angela Merkel is the German Chancellor. An obviously rattled Donald Trump replied " You are a very, very bad, naughty, extremely horrible, nasty, yucky person, that's fake news, in fact it's fake rake news, and Angela and I are very good friends, very good friends, and I'm confident she is the Queen of Austria, which is next door to Germany, so that's what I really said."
Moving on, Trump explained his decision to issue the 3 million rakes. "Angelica told me that in Australia they have raked every square inch of the country, including the lakes. As well as making it the cleanest country in the world, the number of serious fires has been reduced by 50%, or half, whichever is the greatest. I want our service men and women to put their rakes to good use. They can reduce the number of firestorms, and while they're at it they can rake Muslims, Mexicans and South American refugees.". Asked how far he was prepared to go Trump stated " I may amend the Second Amendment to allow US citizens to bear rakes. Rakes make a lot less noise than guns and I've been under pressure for some time, from the National Rake Association, to make it easier to obtain the right to bear and use a rake. I think this is a very, very good thing, and my wife Melanoma believes rakes could become a fashion statement, which is an extremely, very, very good, fine thing and will make America Great Again, well, certainly well-raked."
At that point CNN's Ivor Whitehouse-Parse again tried to interrupt the President but was hit on the head by a rake held by Trump's aide Sulky Schneider with the President calling him "an enemy of all people who own rakes", and banning him from attending further White House press conferences. CNN plans to appeal the ban.