In an earth-shattering report, a study released earlier today by the VRI -- now known as the Vampire Research Institute -- concluded that the blood of caucasians is widely considered by the vampiric community to be the most “pure” and desired blood on the market. The study comes as a tidal wave of shock to billions, as many struggled to tether themselves to the sudden fact that not only are vampires real, but in the words of Akron, Ohio resident Dan Thorne, “are pretty fucking racist.”
“Oh, so black blood isn’t good enough for them, huh? This is a clear case of immortal privilege,” Dan declared from his yoga mat. “You see what happens? Do you see what happens when we vote a Nazi and misogynist into the presidency? Only in Trump’s America, man.” Dan went on to declare that not only are conservatives to blame for racism and white nationalism, but now they have “given rise to racist vampires,” and concluded that “we are so screwed.”
In response to the backlash, lead researcher Emma Van Hanschmidt had this to say, “I knew this wasn’t going to be a good idea." She said. "After the whole Kaepernick-Nike fiasco, I suggested we keep this to our own community, but our junior researcher, Jamal, insisted. ‘Reveal our existence,’ he said, ‘it’ll be fine, we’re hunting the white people’, he said. A whole bunch of good that’s done for us. Fucking Jamal had no clue of the social climate.”
She elaborated, “It has nothing to do with race, really… I mean, it does, but not like you mortals see it.” Emma wiped the sweat from her brow and continued her attempt to clarify, “It’s like wine tasting; and in this case, it just so happened that the vampiric pallet prefers the blood of the white man by a wide majority… Jesus, I’m just digging myself a bigger hole here.”
In the hours since the announcement, #burnthevampires has become the top trending hashtag on social media, and has even been tweeted by such celebrities as Rosie O’Donnell, Jimmy Kimmel, and even outspoken conservative James Woods.
“Wait, wait, wait. James Woods?” Van Hanschmidt repeated, her already bloodless face turning practically transparent from the news. “Not Woods. Anyone but Woods. SHIT. We have to go. Now. This interview is over.”
The blood addicted, nocturnal entourage hastily made their way out of the room, tripping over each other’s capes in a wild commotion. Emma could be heard screaming down the stairwell, “You’ve fucked us, Jamal! Are you happy now? Woods! James Woods, vampire hunter! We’ll be lucky if any of us get out of this alive!”
While the vampire’s study has concluded, it seems that the hatred and hunt for the stalkers of the night has only just begun, with Woods himself tweeting, “Not on my watch.”
We will continue to follow this story as it develops.